


Butterfly

by angelmist



Category: SEVENTEEN (Band)
Genre: Angst, Depression, M/M, Romance, Suicide, Yaoi, friendstolover
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-11
Updated: 2018-01-28
Packaged: 2018-11-12 20:38:39
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 21
Words: 56,857
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11169633
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/angelmist/pseuds/angelmist
Summary: This is a story about how Hong Jisoo met a boy named Yoon Jeonghan.





	1. I

**Author's Note:**

> Those two meet on a ledge but no one really knows who saved who.

Jisoo wasn't very fond of the public, of speaking with other people, or life in general. As he progressively aged and witnessed every year of his life, he knew he was different. His behavioral, emotional, and physical attributes about himself were lacking and was stunted compared to others his age. The milestones each child went through, the victorious relief and moment to parents, he could not meet them. Doctors always brought that up, Jisoo never listened, nor did he want to. At first, his parents thought he was just a late bloomer, just trying to dip his toe into the water that resembled the life he was given. They thought it was okay for him to be a little more unusually antsier than other kids, not socializing as much, deathly silent, and constantly in pain over the smallest things. Jisoo was weak, absolutely weak; mentally, emotionally, and physically. He had the worst immune system and it was easy for him to catch the smallest sickness known in the world and yet, he had enough energy to exert his panicked behavior, up until he passed out and wouldn't wake until who knows when. Jisoo cannot socialize; he gets nervous and scared. He feels like he's being judged, the chilling feeling of eyes boring into his entire being made his stomach wretch with absolute anxiety. If he were to look into someone's eyes, he would feel like crying. The pills he take, the ones that make him happy, make him angered and stressed. It makes him wary. His mother, the one who will only hold his hand every step of the way, while his father stays back; utterly disappointed. Then again, to have an only a child, a son at that, like this, who wouldn't be disappointed. Hong Jisoo was absolutely different. 

He's always been alone, so he's not sure where to start. 

At school, no one bothered to talk to him. The school, before he came, was buzzing with absolute excitement knowing there's a foreign student that was coming to school; an American at that. Various rumors spread, exerting Jisoo's image to a further pleasurable one, than the one he has. How he loathes others for giving him a life that would never bloom in his existence, or at all. Once the first person approached him, followed by several others, Jisoo grew fearful, especially when questions after questions were spouted. He could feel the stinging feel of tears welling up into his hazelnut hues, irritating his waterline into an angry red; and the tears fell. They fell and fell until he was left alone by such a stunned and awkward crowd that dispersed just as fast as it was formed. After that, Jisoo ignored them. Ignored the stares and everything that was relatively related to communicating with his peers. Either way, he already had a tendency of ignoring others that have no business with him. Though, they were absolutely fed up with his behavior and next thing Jisoo knew was his back was pressed up agains the cold, metal lockers, eyes widening in a terrified behavior, gulping as his averted his gaze quickly. That really did a number on him. 

Jisoo had friends. He had about three friends; Jun, Seungkwan, and Hansol. He saw them as his only close friends, really. Sometimes they would bring their other friends to their lunch table, or most of the time. Jisoo never could hold up a proper conversation and they understood, and left him be. He met Hansol on the first day; he was one of the guys that he met during his really bad predicament of being pushed up against the lockers and after that, he followed Hansol around. The younger didn't mind, he had an odd feeling of superiority reigning on his parade and who was Jisoo to trample all over that? He met Jun due to Hansol, sharing a physical education class, Jun often covered up Jisoo whenever he lacked in something, or everything. Then, Seungkwan, being the odd ball would silently follow Jisoo around and hoped that he would notice him. It all started because Seungkwan heard the lilt eluded from Jisoo's mouth during choir, having it resonate through his head, he was at an absolute awe and wanted to hear more; be his friend. So, Hansol grabbed Seungkwan, who was already his friend, and introduced him to Jisoo. That's how his odd friend group formed.

Most of the time, Jisoo likes to be alone nonetheless. It wasn't a surprise and his friends would often let him do whatever. It was the small bit of freedom he craved from them and were absolutely grateful they knew about. Though, his friends would make sure he was okay, which made Jisoo obviously happy, even if it was an odd pit of content his family never gave him. They all knew about his condition; all because of his mother. But, they didn't treat him any different. He was most grateful towards Jun who would hang out with him whenever he was alone and remained by his side when none of the others were there, or sometimes, they'd just spot Jisoo and hang out with him; this time, they let him go do whatever. 

"Do you have your phone?" Hansol asked, shaking his own phone in his hand, head tilted to the side.

Jisoo nodded, taking it out of his pocket, and shaking it back towards him in a mocking gesture, causing the corner of the other's lips quirk up in soft amusement.

"Then, call me whenever you're done so I can take you home. I'll be at the library with the normal group, and a few others, unfortunately."

The elder opened his mouth to speak and Hansol awaited in anticipation to hear his words again but deflated once his mouth closed. Jisoo nodded and averted his gaze shyly after. He leaned endearingly into Hansol's hand once it threaded it's way into his hair and then shrugged his shoulders once he felt a firm hand placed over it. He watched as Hansol walked away and he grabbed the straps of his backpack, making his way up the stairs until he was face to face with the gray door that led to the roof. Ever since he arrived to the school, a sudden wave of relief and peace would wash over him as his eyes lingered on the door. The door to his haven. None of his friends knew of his haven, not at all, they would constantly hover above him to make sure he was safe. That's why he sought it out himself, up until the sky was painted a muggy black. But the absence made his friends panic and eventually, he would walk back down and find the cafe they reside in and call to pick him up to show he was safe.

But the roof was his only secret. 

He liked looking over the ledge and to see the tops of the homes and buildings that resided on the ground below him. He felt at the top of the world. It just.. Felt right. It made him forget everything; that he wasn't different and that he was just a normal bystander looking over the edge in adoration and fondness. Sometimes, Jisoo wished he gained his wings and were able to fly. He'd want to run his fingertips against the cotton flakes of the cloud, letting it brush against it mindlessly and he would continue on, but he couldn't even touch his own skies that he hid; the ones with a sun and cloud, but his was murky and dark, no sunrays visibly piercing through. 

His hands pushed at the door and opened it, inhaling the scent of the air, a relieved sigh eliciting from his lips. The light breeze that passed by him made him close his eyes in absolute delight, letting his feet wander farther in, ignoring the way the door slammed shut behind him.  He looked around, the superior feeling returning towards him and embraced the feeling. He realized something; he could jump and fly. If he wanted to fly, he had to jump. The roof would provide leverage and he could fly as long as he could, and wouldn't stop because if he went down, that meant his wings gave up on him, and it's just like he died.

Venturing further, he gasped in surprise, muffling the squeak that followed after as he peered around the corner again. Jisoo's eyes were trained on the person that was on the ledge of the roof, head tilted downwards and peering down at the world. Slender fingers curved through the holes of the fence, hearing the shaking of the metal wires, not from the wind, but the shaking fear that escalated through the other's body.

"Hey!" Jisoo suddenly yelled, panicked as he lowered his voice, not wanting to scare him. A frantic noise fell from his lips as he saw the fingers grow loose  but then saw the panic embedded in his terrified hues.

"Help me," was all he managed to whisper.

Jisoo, taken back, tried to think of a plan as he felt his heart thud against his chest, "I.. I'm gonna come closer.." he spoke calmly, watching the other nod. His gaze shifted down, "Shoes off, the laces will get caught." slowly and cautiously, he took off his shoes, Jisoo watching him for a moment before saying gently, "Throw your shoes over to me." his fingers grasped onto the fence again and threw them over the fence.. "Hook your legs around the railing and start shifting towards the entrance." He watched as the other followed his command, just with the fence between them, he followed his movements. Throught the entrance, he peeked his head out, outstretching his hand. His warm hand grabbed on his own tightly and that's when, with all his strength, pulled the male over to him. They both fell back, Jisoo on the bottom as he was crushed by the male and that's when he recognized him.

Yoon Jeonghan.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 01/28/2018: BUTTERFLY IS OFFICIALLY DONE REVAMPING!
> 
> A/N: It's gonna be based off the story All The Bright Places, kind of, but I read that book like two years ago and cried because I loved it so much so I wanted to try something like it with the Jihan pair. 
> 
> Til' next time! ♡


	2. II

Every day that passed in his life seemed to drag on longer and longer each day purposely. Living and existing was exhausting and the idea of it made Jisoo upset. Life was boring; he didn't want it to drag on. He has already considered hanging out with his friends or finding new people to mingle with or even getting out of the shell he was practically shoved in. But, he couldn't find it in himself to even do it, to even try it. The thought of it just sent chills through his body. Interactions made him realize how judgemental people could be. Walking besides them made him feel like a burden, in case he got in the way. As for speaking, he hated his voice, enough said. It was almost ironic, he loves singing. Music in general became his personal scapegoat and he relished in that feeling. It was the only time he could be himself.

Other than isolating himself from the rest of the world.

Isolation was a nice friend to have. Being isolated had the pros of not getting hurt. If he stays alone behind the confinements of his walls, he wouldn't suffocate. He wouldn't have to suffer through the pain others went through every day. It was selfish, it was also a coward move, but Jisoo thought too much exposure to something new would harm him in the worst way possible. Perhaps he was already harmed; he just became numb to the painful feeling; witnessing and delving into that feeling only. Although it damaged his social abilities entirely, he thought it was okay; there was no use to it anyway and that was the harsh reality he realized at such a young age.

He was an observer. 

Jisoo found entertainment in examining human behavior, even though he was one of those humans. But broken. He was very broken. More or less, he seemed like an unstable android that went through various malfunctions. He found it amusing how different everyone was in his perspectives, but he wondered how he was seen through their lenses. The traits they beared, it was something Jisoo would never have because he was too scared of it. Jisoo envied smaller childrens who smiled so brightly, it was blinding. They had it good. They wouldn't know what's happening in the future. They wouldn't know if it could become dark and murky like his own. Jisoo was always so fond of seeing the youth and innocence embedded in their eyes, radiating through their body languages. He almost forgot that his own was ripped from him as soon as he came into the world. The amount of lies he was spoon fed, he wondered how many more he was able to swallow until his pills numbed the all too familiar feeling.

He just wanted to be free from the lie was he was trapped in, had to succumb to, had to.. Deal with. 

His thoughts were suddenly broken as he heard footsteps echo on the metal bleacher he was sitting on. Jumping slightly, his glossy gaze shifted over and was fixated on the tall male that loomed over him, almost threateningly, even with the kind smile etched onto his pink lips. Jisoo sat there, his own lips parted in awe, in surprise, his hands clasped and resting peacefully on his laps. Lazily, he blinked a few times, blinking away the bleary feeling in his sight and realized who was standing before him. Yoon Jeonghan. The man he was hoping he was able to avoid until graduation. He went a week without getting trapped underneath the claws on the elder, from being ripped to shreds. By the time that small incident occurred, it thrummed through the school quickly; that Yoon Jeonghan had saved Hong Jisoo, the new American student, from killing himself atop the roof. A saint he was. His breath hitched once Jeonghan snapped his fingers in front of his face, trying to gain his attention.

"Hey," the elder began, raising one eyebrow, "Are you deaf or something?" he questioned, waving his hand side to side in front of Jisoo's face, causing him to blink rapidly once more, hazelnut apertures settled on the slender fingers that waved from side to side without rest, "I've been calling your name for five minutes." he huffed angrily, almost in annoyance but masked it quickly.

Jisoo tried to block him out, but it didn't quite work. Shutting his eyes for a moment, he drowned him out for a few seconds, piecing his thoughts together thoroughly, cautiously, before shaking his head quickly, indicating he was not deaf at all and could hear him clearly. Doe eyes stared back up at Jeonghan, waiting for him to continue what he was going to say. Though, he kind of wished he was deaf now.

He stared back at Jeonghan, even as his eyes bore into him with a neutral expression before clicking his tongue, the sound resonating in the silent, tense atmosphere between them, "You.." he trailed off, tapping his chin with his index finger, "You're the new kid that came here a while ago, correct?"

Jisoo was surprised he even knew who he was, or remembered was a better word to say it. Then again, he was there when Jeonghan's friend pushed him up against the locker and tormented him until Hansol came to the rescue.  _Thanks, Seungcheol._ He thought bitterly to himself, gnawing on the inside of his cheek. 

"Do you just not talk?" Jeonghan inquired, almost impatiently as he waited for Jisoo to respond, but only saw that dumb, confused gaze of his. "The silence kind of pisses me off, so." he muttered under his breath. 

His heart thudded against his chest rapidly, his anxiety clinging onto his bones, restricting his throat from even forming a coherent sentence. He realized they were alone and there was no other bystander walking by in case something happened to the younger. "S..Sorry.." Jisoo whispered, eyes widening as he panicked internally about how the situation could play out; now that his voice was ripped from his throat in a foolish manner. Shallow breaths fell from his parted lips, blunt nails digging into his palms to bring him back to his lonesome reality. 

"Shut it," Jeonghan raised his hand, halting Jisoo from speaking anymore, or even if the younger was even going to form any other words, "I don't want to hear it." he paused, licking his slightly chapped lips and then running his slim fingers through his already toussled brown hair, a frown taking over his face. Then, his gaze suddenly hardened, causing Jisoo to flinch away, averting his gaze towards the side of Jeonghan, eyes locked onto the slightly blue sky above them. "I thought I'd have to warn you to not tell anyone what really happened on the roof top, but seemingly, you're not a fan of talking at all, so it seems like I have to. But just a warning, don't do it, and if you do, I  _will not_ hesitate to do anything." was what he left it at. 

Jisoo felt his head grow dizzy, feeling a slightly throbbing pulse against the side of his head, the feeling growing until it grew unbearable for him. He was scared and wasn't quite sure why he was being treated like this, even when he saved  _the_ Yoon Jeonghan. After that whole ordeal, he waited until the elder pushed off of him before getting up himself and bolting out, stumbling down the stairs, and out the school campus. Jisoo felt his throat grow dry, "Then.. Why did.. You do it..?" Jisoo rasped out, yet his voice remained soft; meek, even, before he could regret it, those words already left his mouth. Realization dawned upon him as his complexion paled in comparison towards his normal one, shaking his head quickly, as if he was indicating not to answer - he didn't need to know. 

"Why? Are you suddenly curious about me or something?" Jeonghan hummed, leaning closer before shrugging nonchalantly, "It's none of your concern." his tone was cold and Jisoo nodded quickly, as if he understood his words clearly, gulping as he looked down, frantic eyes shifting towards the metal bleacher floor and his hands that were clasped so tightly, his knuckles grew a soft shade of white."Why were you up there?"

That's the question he feared the most. Usually, his answer was to gloat about his own safe haven but that particular day, he wasn't quite sure why he was up there. There was a different feeling up there, as if he was going to fly. As if he was willing to jump off that ledge if Jeonghan wasn't inhabiting that area. As if he wasn't going to jump off himself. He could feel himself tremble under his gaze, a choked noise only eliciting as his lips remained parted, but no words bothered to come out. "I.. I.." he couldn't form a clear sentence and that made a rosy hue dust along his cheeks in embarrassment, in humiliation. 

"Joshua." he heard a voice a few feet away from him, footsteps coming up the bleacher and he looked up immediately, seeing Hansol.

"Joshua?" Jeonghan repeated, dumbfounded. "You mean Jisoo?" he muttered to himself, watching the two of them.

Hansol's sharp gaze was on Jeonghan, their shoulder's bumping as Hansol replaced where Jeonghan previously stood, a smile gracing his lips. "Hey, Joshua, you didn't tell us you were gonna be here. Were you lonely?" Hansol ignored the elder as he reached down, coaxing his hands out from the clasped position and held his hand, tugging him up, "Let's get you back inside, it's gonna start raining soon and I don't want you sick, nor do I want you near him." he spoke in English, which annoyed Jeonghan further, sending a glare towards his friend, nonetheless, keeping his cool composure, smiling lazily after. He bowed deeply towards Jeonghan, apologetically, and then scampered off to follow Hansol's quick footsteps. 

Instead of headng towards the building, they walked towards the parking lot, confusing Jisoo entirely. Hansol took note and mumbled, "The school was able to excuse you for the remainder of the day because your counselor kept phoning your mother and the school constantly for your attendance in his office." stopping, he looked at the elder, "You've been skipping all your appointments again, you know that's bad for you and your mother." A frown was evident on his face and Jisoo looked away guiltily. A pat was felt on his shoulder before  a reassuring squeeze followed, "I have to take you there and I know you hate it. Please bear with it until something good happens. Besides, it helps."

 _Yeah, it could help if I wasn't far too gone like this._ Was what he wanted to say. Getting in the car hesitantly, he noticed Jun occupying the backseat, laying across it as he slept peacefully. Jisoo couldn't help but smile at the domestic sight, almost chuckling to himself, recalling the younger loves to come into Hansol's car when it was lunch; even though his car was parked a few parking spots over; but he just happen to have Hansol's spare key. Or since, as Jun likes to state it, was blessed with such ethereal looks, that anyone would fawn over him and he had to reside him, and eventually fall asleep out of boredom. Hansol tends to get the same treatment but openly accepts anyone's affection; friend or relationship. Hansol slipped into the driver's seat and leaned over, shaking Jun back awake.

"Five more minutes," he whined out, slapping Hansol's hand away but only got more persistent shaking. Sitting up, he sent them a glare and yawned loudly, "What are you guys even doing?"

"Taking Jisoo to his appointment. You comin' with or leavin' the car?"

"I'll come with." Jun shrugged.

Hansol mimicked the shrug and backed out of the parking lot, driving to their destination.

Jisoo hated cars. They were always so confining and he feared the predicaments that could occur in the cars; whetehr it was because of the driver or the driver's around them, it was too risky for his taste. That's why he had a tendency of avoiding any other automobile, even if it was something beneficial if the destination was too far. Aside from that, he liked walking. It was a temporary bliss he craved. Leaning over, he turned the volume up a little louder once one of his favorite songs began to play, Hansol and Jun's conversation halting for a moment to sing the lyrics loudly, causing Jisoo to grin wholeheartedly.

To Hansol, his favorite sight was seeing Jisoo smile, and he was willing to do anything to keep that smile on his face. 

Pulling up to the building where his therapy sessions reside, he parked and Jisoo begrudgingly got out. He turned around to quickly stop the others from leaving the car, assuring them to not come with him, "Are you sure you want to be alone? I don't mind skipping class." Jun spoke with uncertainty lacing his voice, not wanting him to be alone. He quickly nodded before Hansol was incessantly saying that they should come with him. 

Jisoo took a deep breath before murmuring, "I.. I think... I can.. Do it.. M..yself.."

Jun, not having heard his voice in so long, found himself surprised but also nodding, believing his words and crawled up to occupy the passenger's seat, ruffling Jisoo's hair that peeked through the door. Hansol sighed, knowing he should believe his words now because he actually heard them as he let the ignition roar back to life, "Call me and we'll pick you up, deal?" he nodded and shut the car door for Jun, turning around to walk into the building he feared the most.

\---

Jisoo spaced out during the session. His gaze was much more focused on what was in the room, rather than his counselor that continued to drawl on and on, in hopes to get hm to talk. He noticed that the walls were newly painted, the faint smell of paint wafting into his senses. A subtle shade of green that did actually make him feel relaxed. The lavender smell began to overpower the paint smell as minutes passed. His gaze settled on the new assortment of furnitures that decorated the already filled room, including the chair he was sitting on. Shifting around on it, his gaze drifted towards the desk, realizing how clean it was; it was usually filled with endless amounts of paper instead, some even on the floor. He could tell they didn't buy a new desk, seemingly enough, he still saw the chipping stains on it from whenever he was angry and threw someting at it bitterly and the 'J' that was carved into it, not made by him, whatsoever. 

"Did you.. Clean everything?" Jisoo began, seeing the smile that opted on Dr. Lee's face.

"Matter of fact, I did," the older male mused, "Looks tidy, doesn't it?" Jisoo nodded in agreements, his gaze on the chip marks on his desk. He kept that desk because it held so many memories from the patients he had, even from the beginning of his years of working. "So, Jisoo.." he trailed off, his head tilted, "Can you tell me why you haven't showing up in our recent sessions?"

"B..usy." he spoke nervously, looking away. 

"Ah, I see," Dr. Lee responded, knowing full well to not push on the matter, "Your school.. told me what happened last week," he trailed off, shuffling through this paper, gaze drifting back towards him.

Jisoo wanted to drop the topic almost immediately, it was evident on his face. The thought of it made him sick because he had to lie. He had to lie or Jeonghan was going to do something. It could be an empty threat but Jisoo couldn't trust it. It was his own fault it grew; he bumped into Seungcheol on the way down, the elder yelling at Jisoo harshly before he stammered out that Jeonghan saved him and ran until his legs gave out underneath him. 

"Why'd you do it?"

He stayed quiet for a moment before looking at him timidly, "I thought flying was the only way I could relieve my pain."

\---

Instead of calling Hansol, Jisoo walked home by himself as the sun began to set before him. He lived a decent distance away so it was fine. Hopefully. As he ventured his way through the darkening skies, his hands were stuffed into his pockets, the cold air invading his warm body. His hands greedily sought out the little warmth within his pockets. The school uniform did little to no beneficial thing to him, especially during this time of day. His footsteps increased, trying to avoid the inevitable cold Hansol didn't want him to catch. Maybe he should of called Hansol - no, he couldn't bother him. He thought of the events of today instead; especially about Jeonghan. The older male was quite popular,  _very_ popular, the same ranks as his friends; maybe even better. Jisoo couldn't figure out how he even became friends with them. They all knew each other in some form of way; whether it was classes, sports, or just looks, they all held a bond towards each other. Though, Hansol and Jun remained neutral with him, sharing interests with them, but other than that, kept to their own group that had him. Seungkwan on the other hand, switched between others and thier original group, which they didn't mind. They still didn't invite other people in their own group and that was that. 

Jeonghan had such a delicate features, that some people would mistaken him for being a woman at first glance if he hadn't cut his hair. Still, it remained as something others would confuse him about, yet his visuals were so strong that it didn't matter; he was beautiful and that was that. His skin was porcelain-like, free of any complexion or blemishes on his face. His physiognomy was lovely to look at; almond shaped eyes, a slender nose, and a cupid bow's lips that held a red tint to his lips. His voice was also another prominent feature about him; his normal talking voice but also his singing voice was lovely, it was almost angelic, or it  _is_ angelic. Jisoo also recalled when he first saw him, he had long hair that went a little past his shoulder. Within the short time of knowing him, it went through various shades akin to red, blond, lilac, and even a light brown before dyeing it back to his original dark brown hair color. Then slowly, he began to cut his hair; to his neck, then a little past his jaw, and finally, it was short at the ends, but fluffier at the top, and dyed a beautiful light brown. It was curled at some points, maybe even waved, but it made him more breathtaking. 

But if he were to stand besdies Jeonghan, he would pale in comparison. He was the Korean that moved from America to Korea. In fact, he came from LA, resulting to his slightly tanned skin and faint freckles that bloomed on his face whenever the lighting hit him just right. Preferably, he covered them with soft tints of makeup. Only if someone saw him up close, the freckles would be much more prominent. Jisoo didn't like dyeing his hair, his mother didn't like the idea of him changing his hair either way. The only fancy thing he's ever done was gelling his hair up and his mother would compliment about how handsome he looked.

Walking to his front door, he unlocked it and opened the door, walking inside, "I'm home.." he trailed off weakly, looking around the dark home. He sighed once he realized he was alone and shut the door behind him, locking it. Recently, his parents had been out more often and the last time he actually properly saw them lounging about the home was a few weeks ago. Their schedules didn't quite match up, he barely sees them on weekends as of now. He walked up the stairs and into his room, shutting it besides him, and locked it as well, dropping his bag on the chair back his desk. 

Discarding his flimsy uniform clothes, he changed into much more comfortable pajamas before grabbing his phone from inside his bag and nestled up into the comfort of his bedsheets. His duvet thrown over his head as he unlocked his phone, seeing the messages that piled up over time. The warmth was finally enveloping his thin body and he let out a relieved sigh. The group chat they were all in was still active as ever and he groaned at the persistent buzzing it held, even as he tried to read and catch up on the messages. Hansol was cracking jokes with Seungkwan between the time after he was taken to his session and until after, with Jun's occasional selfies and then eventually, playing along with them. Though, Seungkwan always had a sharp tongue and could easily sass them up within text messages, especially for not inviting him to skip school. Eventually he saw Hansol spamming the chat about Jisoo's whereabouts and why he wasn't answering.

But Jisoo didn't realize how tired he was until his eyes grew heavy with exhaustion, shutting his eyes slowly before he could reply to his friends; but in return, earning a gentle 'good night, Jisoo.' from them all, once they never got a response.


	3. III

Jisoo was only able to process so much in his life, during the month, during the week, during the day, and during the respective hour that was turning on the clock. It was only so much, or, was it a selectiely? Once he woke up, rising up from his bed to stare at his clock with a bleary vision, he was relieved once he realized it was Friday. After he gets home after school, he could possibly curl up on the couch to watch his favorite show, slide into his bed to relax or nap sporadically throughout the two day weekend to earn the hours he missed out due to his hectic sleep schedule. Thoughts aside, he had to get ready for school. Jisoo followed his normal routine of being up by 5:30 AM, make breakfast and then eat it before brushing his teeth and getting his clothes on by 7:10 AM. Then, he would walk to school half way up until he got picked up by Hansol, who always scolds him about walking to school alone, and get to school at 7:23 AM sharp. Hansol would find a parking spot at approximately by 7:27 AM and Jisoo would be out by 7:28 AM. His internal clock was always up and focused, especially since their class started at 7:45 AM and that gave Jisoo time to go to the music room to play the guitar there and lose himself within the rhythmic strums he adored and then head to class with five minutes to spare as soon as the shrill ring of the bells echoed around the school annoyingly. 

Before he could properly adjust himself to his classroom atmosphere, he was already interrupted by his teacher to leave the class. Jisoo blinked in confusion, opening his mouth to speak before being cut off by his guttural voice, "The counselor wanted to see you," his somnolent eyes flickered over to look at his scared student that had his palm pressed against his chest from the fright, "I'm not sure why but she's expecting you." The only thing Jisoo could do was nod and turn on the heels of his feet and walked back out without another word, a frown etched onto his lips. His slender fingers wrapped around the straps of his backpack as he continued to walk through the now empty hallway, silently brooding about his disorganized schedule that was ruined by a surprise appointment. Yet, Jisoo felt relaxed as he walked alone, the sound of his footsteps echoing along the narrow hallway.

Jisoo peeked his head into the office, standing there timidly and watched as the lady at the front desk gestured to the closed door that held his counselor behind it. Sighing quietly, he walked over and knocked on the wood gingerly, and then walked in tentatively, meeting her gaze immediately. He couldn't recall her name; he never bothered to remember his name since he never took up the offer of her counseling sessions. He already had his own; he couldn't handle another one, besides, he didn't want to think of the extra help. Matter of fact, he was certain this is the first time they properly met. Bowing hesitantly, he quickly sat down in front of her, setting his bag down by the chairs of the legs. 

"Jisoo," her voice was soft, a reassuring smile beginning to form on her lips, "How are you today?" he stayed silent, pursing his lips and then nodded, indicating that he was okay, "Good?" she questioned, checking if she was right and he nodded once more, fingers drumming against his thigh impatiently, wanting it to end, "That's great!" she responded overly enthusiastically that Jisoo cringed back a bit but she seemed pleased enough, glancing down at her clipboard, "Do you mind me asking you a few questions?" 

He shook his head.

"Word has been tossed around on campus as of last week," she began, and he already knew as he looked down at his lap, clasping and unclasping his fingers, "Do you mind telling me your side of the story? I haven't quite heard Jeonghan's perspective because he refuses to meet with me but I'd like to know what happened. No comments by any of you guys were properly made and I'd rather not take this matter in my own hands and assume."

The younger very well knew it was exaggerated since it was the talk of the school, even until now, as he walks the halls, he only hears that flit from their mouths before hushing up once he makes his appearance. It was always there; to mock him. He thought it would have died down because he was just another one of those unstable students that could go off any time. But Jeonghan is a saint for saving Jisoo. Jeonghan was popular positively, and Jisoo was popular negatively, hence, that made such a weird combination, who would want to stop talking about it. One of the so called rumors that one of them brought a gun to school and tried to wrestle it out of the other's grasp, that Jisoo was one some weird drug and was going to jump off, or that Jisoo was just a plain crazy person that needed help. The thing is, he wasn't even near the ledge, period. Jeonghan was but he always bit down on his tongue to refrain from yelling that. He feared the casualty; and no one would believe him. His friends always spoke about it but never pushed it, waiting until Jisoo felt comfortable enough to talk about it. They knew it wasn't true; it didn't sound right. Besides, they had the crucial evidence sitting next to them every single day so it wouldn't be the best thing to believe in the false words. 

Feeling his throat grow dry, he cleared it, clasping his hands together tightly in his lap as he tried to piece his words together in his head, "... It was just an incident," he smiled lightly, but it didn't reach his eyes.

"Jisoo," she said, looking at him seriously, "I need to know what happened. I need to know if you or Jeonghan were going to hurt yourself." she was blunt and it jabbed at Jisoo's nervous heart.

"It was just a misunderstanding," he tried again, words growing more confident.

"Then why were you both up there and in front the safety fence?"

She was right.  _Why_  was Jeonghan behind the safety fence at that time? Someone from below did see him. Perhaps they mistakened Jisoo for being in front of it when he was actually behind it. Jisoo sighed, defeated, his shoulders slumping forward, "Jeonghan saved me."  he muttered, "I wasn't in the right state of mind. By the time I came to, I didn't realize I was in front of the fence, standing on the ledge. He.. He came in and saved me from something I'd regret. He told me what to do and then I was back on the platform. That's.. That's what happened." he babbled on, piecing together the story quickly, in hopes it seemed believable enough as he caught his breath, feeling his throat tighten. 

A frown was evident on her face as he finished and then asked, "Why?"

That was a question he couldn't answer.

He wasn't sure why Jeonghan was up there, looking over the ledge, ready to fall down up until he broke him out of his harmful trance. If he were to leave now, he could rest peacefully for years until he was reborn again for the better or the worst, "I.. I'm not sure." was all he managed to meekly say, nails digging into his palm to create nasty, red crescents.

"I have to hear this from you. Tell me you will come here instead of going up unto the roof when you are in need of assistance, or can't think. I can help you, Jisoo. I am here for a reason." she concluded.

_No, that's what they all say._

Was what he wanted to say but nodded instead.

Quickly, he gathered his bag and slid it back on and left the room before she could say anything else, or, before he could say something he would regret.

\---

The was beginning to reach its end as he finally reached his last class. He could survive this class, even if Jeonghan was in it, and ignore the tense atmosphere between them. It was a class similar to his writing class he had in America, but this one had more work to do and Jisoo felt overwhelmed at times by it, but pushed through. Though, his writing in Korean was barely coherent so he still struggled, and it was harder when Jun was also struggling. It was a learning experience nonetheless and he couldn't complain. Sadly, a new project was made and Jun wasn't at school since he grew ill. It was possibly because Hansol and Jun went out last night to eat and got food poisoning. Hansol managed, unlike Jun. He could barely get out of bed and instead of speaking basic Korean, he was throwing up. Minghao, a close friend of his, stayed home as well to take care of the elder, or scold and possibly hurt the elder for being careless. 

"So, it's a partner project?" Jeonghan clarified once more, voice growing slow, unsure even. 

The teacher nodded, "Yes," he confirmed once more, albeit, sighing reluctantly at his student's ears.

That's when panic began to slide into system.  _Partners._ His only partner was gone and dying in bed while he was sitting here, besides an empty seat, wanting to die because he wasn't going to be able to find a partner. He highly doubts anyone would want to be his partner anyway. Stifling his own sigh, he wrote in his notebook for a moment, making a checklist for the plans ahead and hoped for the best he could stay low in this class and wait for Jun's arrival tomorrow. This was one of the moments Jisoo grew envious of Jeonghan who had the opportunity to sought out anyone's existence in his class and they would say yes, instead of being rejected on the spot. He silently hoped he wouldn't have to be paired with someone who did nothing or just hated him in general. He couldn't blame them though, he hated himself.

The class grew louder once they were dismissed for partners and they awaited for Jeonghan's choice, while the other half meander and found their own partner that was satisfy their interest. Jisoo blocked it out as he continued to operate his own plan of surviving the day but also thinking of a base outline for when Jun's back tomorrow. The project was travel based, somewhere he hasn't been and write about the experience. It was simple but considering who was in his class, they'd all half ass it. Jeonghan had the looks  _and_ the brains, he wasn't some airheadin his class. 

Suddenly, the empty chair that was originally Jun's was scraped loudly against the floor to bring attention to whoever it was. Jisoo blinked a few times and looked up to see who was making all the noise before letting his mouth fall open.

"You're my partner." Jeonghan said confidently, sitting down besides him and fixing his already tousled hair and smiled widely, "Hello, Shua."

\---

Sunday morning.

He couldn't get what happend on Friday out of his head, which ruined his fun weekend routines. But the weekend was quiet, relaxing even. With a sigh, he stared at his own reflection in the mirror. He hated seeing himself. It didn't seem like him, as if he didn't even deserve an existence on earth. He had to witness his bland features everyday and it was tiring. Jisoo wante to slam his fist against the mirror until it broke into a million shards, until it coated his knuckle with a vibrant crimson he was used to seeing, the smell of iron that would fill his senses and eventually make him sick to his stomach. But he wanted the pain to go away, until his own wings sprouted to take him away.

But he couldn't.

On Sundays, he's usually going to Church with his mother and father. He loves going to church because of the music playing, the beautiful attire, and the lovely colors adorned inside. It was welcoming and something new each time. It killed his ever rising boredom, but this time, he didn't go. His parents were rooms away, getting ready to go to Church without him, because he felt sick. Sick of himself. That's when Jisoo remembered to take his pills. He huffed, moving away from the vanity mirror and headed outside of his room, feet padding quietly against the floor of the hallway and to the bathroom. Entering the bathroom, he shut the door behind him, locking it, and was once again greeted by his intolerable reflection.

The reflection he feared the most but also hated; himself. 

His eyes seemed void of emotion, dark with exhaustion and vulnerability. There were slight eyebags beginning to form due to the lack of sleep, and his already pale complexion grew paler over time. Just faintly, his scattered freckles were evident and he wanted to scratch them off immediately until they were gone, until his pale cheeks were tarnished and painted with a crimson red. Resisting the urge to succumb to his dark thoughts, his nimble fingers grasped the side of the mirror and opened the cabinet, revealing the large array of medicine bottles behind it. He grabbed his pills, hearing the light shake of it. Turning on the faucet, he looked at the bottle numbly, popping the cap off with his thumb.

He tilted the bottle to the side, letting the pills fall into his open palm and down into the sink that held the running water. A pile of white pills with high dosage sat in his small hands, taunting him. Licking his lips unconsciously, he wondered; if he took these, would his problems go away? Would he finally be cured? If he took them fast, he'd be normal. He'd be the normal kid that everyone would enjoy. It sounded nice. He wanted to be normal after all. He was deaf to the desperate knocks on the bathroom door as he shoved the pills in his mouth, letting some of it fall down on the ground as he swallwed them; dry. 

Tears welled up in his eyes as he let out a choked out sob, feeling the last of the pills went down his esophagus, a gasp eliciting from his mouth as his body wracked with fear.  _Free._ Jisoo felt numb as his back was pressed against the wall, coughing and choking as saliva fell from his mouth at the sudden intake of the pills. A bitter laugh fell from his lips, he was coming to meet his end. He was going to be normal. He was going to be free. He didn't have to suffer anymore. 

His mother walked in and his vision was blurry. Next thing he knew, two fingers went into his mouth and down his throat, causing the boy to gag on the fingers until he threw up the remnants of his pills onto the ground, body heaving as he arched his back, coughing, and continuing to gag until his system was clear. His coughs grew violent before he was taken into his mother's cold embrace. His breathing wsa ragged. A pained sob escaped his mouth as his mother held onto him tighter and yet, there was no warmth. No warmth to keep him safe.

"Sh, Sh, I'm here. I'm the only one you need," she crooned, "You don't need anyone else." her lips were pressed againt the crown of his head.

But Jisoo continued to sob; sob about how much it hurt, how mean the other people were, and alone he was in this world

All his mother did was pull him closer into her cold embrace that served no comfort to the anxiety induced boy.

And Jisoo didn't even realize the lie he was caught in that fell from his very own mother's mouth.


	4. IV

Yoon Jeonghan. 

Who was he?

The nice guy? The popular guy? Someone who was selfless? Just a normal student?

He was many things, or through people's perspective he was seen as many things, but to himself, he didn't really know he was.

He loved his life; keyword, "loved". Jeonghan meant those words. When he was growing up, he was surrounded by people. Jeonghan was such a pretty baby, toddler, teen, and upcoming adult that his pretty physiognomy got him quite a special pass through life, though, he still remained as modest as he could be; unless he wanted something. Well, that's how others saw him. He lived his childhood filled with anxiety and had a horrible speech imepediment. Nonetheless, he was way too shy to even think about communicating with anyone, period. His mother was just like him when she was younger, and to avoid that consequence, she would often set up play dates with boys and girls his age so he got used to the anxiety inducing situation and eventually make more friends, anything to break him out of his own shell. For his mother, he tried his best because he just loves her so damn much. But once his mother would leave him alone with them, he'd be immediately isolated. Jeonghan wasn't the type to voice out his opinion so he just stood there and watched them leave, his own bitter words caught in his throat. And in between the gaps of his fingers, he saw them running away, from him. 

When Jeonghan turned six years old, his father was way too busy to come home, or that's what his mother told him when she sat besides him on his birthday with the cake in front from of them, the six candles lit. He recalled how her voice cracked and with wide doe eyes, brown hues boring into her trembling fingers, he asked innocently, ' _Will he be here tomorrow?'_  he could only just watch her bite down on her lip, tears glistening in her eyes as her waterline grew red. She could only nod. Thus, Jeonghan called off his sixth birthday until his father came home and he wasn't quite sure why his mother stormed off and locked herself up in their room for the rest of the night.

That night, Jeonghan could only stare blankly at the vanilla cake that both his father him enjoyed together, thecandles were not lit anymore, some of the melted wax residing on top of the icing. He pulled his knees up to his chest, chin resting delicately on top of his knees, tilting his head with a brooding pout. Shifting his gaze away from the sad birthday cake, he saw that it now just turned midnight.  _Dad won't be made if I fall asleep on the couch, right?_ Crawling onto the old couch, he sighed drearily, exhausted as his own eyes shut as soon as his head made contact with the pillow, still waiting for his father.

But his father never came home. 

When Jeonghan turned thirteen years old, he saw his father for the first time in seven years while he was out with his friend. He could feel the happiness and excitement bubbling up in his stomach as he opened his mouth to call out to him, be in his embrace, and as the person shifted away from his gaze, he saw a woman and a small boy that was about four. For some reason, he felt numb. His happiness and excitement shattered right then and there as the word ' _dad_ ' fell from his mouth, watching as he walked farther and farther away, the happiness that was radiating off of them was way too blinding for him. A year later, his mother got married to another man, who had a daughter a few years older than him.

They held a close relationship, and his once shy and anxiety induced persona was now gone as she helped him through everything. His speech impediment was long gone but some traces still remained, but not as prominent. They became inseparable. As he aged, he surprisingly held traits of being such a flirtatious, shameless boy, his mom was at awe at the new attitude he obtained. But deep down, it was influenced by his mother's hard work in introducing him to new people. His sister was always there to clean up the mess and apologize for his younger brother's behavior.

On his sixteenth birthday, his sister was involved in a car crash. Another case of a driver being dumb enough to drive under the influence of alcohol. They were both heading home from the amusement park and the movies for his birthday, the radio was blasting, and they were having so much fun. Random karaoke sessions, cracking jokes, and sometimes eating the popcorn they smuggled out of the theater, but that was all interrupted once bright white lights were seen in front of them in such a blinding haze, they both couldn't react in time. A head on collision, it was, it was stated their car flipped, and Jeonghan passed out during it. 

A week later, he woke up in the hospital. His body was sore and many wires were attached to his frail body. His pregnant mother sat there with tears trailing down her face, and yet she looked so happy to see her son awake. His step-father looked equally relieved, but evidently enough, a sullen look was etched onto his face. Jeonghan couldn't recall what happened at first, but then it hit him all at once as he sat up -- or tried to. Pain lurched inside his body as he cried out for his sister but no one responded. No one had the heart to break the boy's heart more than it already was. Then again, it was too late once he passed out again.

Present time, Jeonghan was a senior in high school. Good grades and lived quite a wild life as he partied consistently and played around as much as he could before adulthood would hit him head on. He partied, participated in school related clubs, hung out with his friends, sand to his heart's content, and always did things he never was able to do. He was still that shameless flirt but no messes were ever cleaned up, only sometimes if Seungcheol was feeling generous enough. After countless of mishaps in his life, Jeonghan chose to bottle up his feelings and decided to not get too close with others. Seemingly, he saw himself as a bad luck charm, a taboo. He couldn't help but deny it, but Jeonghan's depression brewed over tim. It affected him heavily that he struggled with who he was. Yoon Jeonghan? Never heard of him. Even so, he'll never find out who he is.

He hated the counseling sessions his mother froced him to go to, but he continued to go. Over time, he realized how much it helped him, but he never uttered a word about it. School stressed him out, his family, and himself. There's times where he debated just ending it all for the sake of others and before he lostt himself. He wasn't quite sure when he ended up on top of the roof, looking over the ledge, down at the cruel world. No one would miss him. His depression was growing worse and he couldn't inflict any harm on himself because what was the point of reminding himself on why he hated himself; what he was battling with and how he was losing. If he wasn't here, perhaps his father and his sister would be back. He couldn't witness it -- but it sounded nice.

He stared at the ground below him, grasping on the fence behind him as he leaned forward slightly, his gaze fixated on the barely seen asphalt below. He was mesmerized, entranced even. It was too enticing to lean forward and fall. He felt so on top of the world in his life for once. It felt good. Even though his stomach grew queasy, it felt so damn good that he enjoyed it. He was willing to fall. It would be another experience that he's never tried; flying. But then, he'd sleep forever and in the next life, it'd be okay. He could only keep up his image for so long. Suddenly, he realized he was saying and choked on a sob. He could be dead. He would actually be dead. He couldn't relive any memories and become numb. He couldn't do this. He couldn't be selfish. Jeonghan let out a gasp as his back pressed against the fence; he had to go back.

"Hey!" hearing a voice behind him, he peeked over his shoulder pleadingly, and for the first, he uttered the words ' _help me_ '."I.. I'm gonna come closer.." he heard him speak calmly, nodding to himself. His gaze shifted down warily, "Shoes off, the laces will get caught." slowly and cautiously, Jeonghan leaned down and took off his shoes and stayed silent until he heard the next words, "Throw your shoes to me." his fingers grasped onto the fence once more and threw them over, "Hook your legs around the railing and shifting back to the entrance." he followed the other's command, just the fence between them. Jeonghan heard footsteps behind him and noticed he followed his movements to reassure him. Through the entrance, the older male saw his head peek out and an outstretched hand. Immediately, he grabbed his warm hand tightly and was pulled back into the safe zone. They both fell back, Jisoo on the bottom as he was crushed by the male, his heart pounding rapidly.

He recognized him, the new American student, Jisoo. He was graced with such looks and was beautiful. Before he could thank him properly, he was pushed off and watched as Jisoo ran out the door. He sat there, defeated, and cursed at himself before standing up, his legs shaking beneath him as he forced himself to open the door and was greeted by Seungcheol.

"You saved the kid?" one eyebrow was quirked up, staring at Jenghan questionably. 

His heart stopped; did Jisoo just lie for him? Looking away, he mumbled, "Yeah." clearing his throat, he continued, "I did."

A week passed and they were the latest buzz. The meeting with Jisoo on the bleacher was a total bust, as he seemed more rude than thankful, which quite wasn't his intention. Then, Hansol had to swoop in and take Jisoo away from him. After that, he never saw Jisoo unless it was for class. Suddenly, he was glad his teacher made a partner project. He had a plan an wanted to make sure everything was okay.

"So, it's a partner project?" Jeonghan spoke slowly, eyebrows furrowed.

"Yes, it is." the teacher confirmed for the hundredth time, albeit sighing, since he couldn't bring himself to scold the other.

Once they were dismissed, the class grew louder as Jeonghan answered questions, feigning innocence about who his partner was, somehow sliding in the occassional flirtatious sentences he always used. Standing up from his spot, the class grew quiet as he approached Jisoo, sending a quick apology to Jun in his head before sitting down in his seat, "You're my partner." he said suddenly, almost confidently, "Hello, Shua." he grinned widely. 

Jeonghan couldn't help but be at awe at Jisoo's new expression other than the blank one he usually had. A look of shock crossed his face before the apples of his cheeks turned into a soft pink, the tips of his ear red. The elder watched as he tore his gaze away, grumbling, "Why are you doing this to me..? Shouldn't you choose someone else? Someone better?"

It was the first time Jisoo was properly talking to him, and he craved his honey, velvety, calm voice and wanted to hear more as he propped his elbow up on the desk, his cheek resting on top of his hand before murmuring back, "You  _are_ better," he replied, trailing off with a purr, "I wanted to get to know you better, I want to start over." Holding out his hand, Jisoo looked taken back and stared at it, "Hello, I'm Yoon Jeonghan, it's a pleasure to meet you."

Surprisingly, Jisoo took his hand, he felt it shaking against his, but it still kept the original warmth he missed, "H-Hong.. Jisoo.. Or Joshua. .. But.." he paused, looking away shyly, "I don't mind being called Shua either."

"Okay, Shua," he liked the way his new nickname rolled off his tongue and smiled brightly, "Shall we get started?"


	5. V

Jisoo decided to hang out with his friends at lunch, quickly catching up with Seungkwan who was already heading out towards the front door of the school. He decided to ignore Sunday's events, let it go over his head. Still, his throat burned, so he'd have to rasp out his words every time someone asked him something. His head still felt hazy, but he was well enough to keep going about the day. Hearing the other's footsteps, Seungkwan began to slow down and looked at the older male with a beaming grin and a casual wave. The older male slowed down his steps once he caught up, returning the pleasant smile and wave. Clutching his books tightly in his hands and then hugged them closely to his chest, taking a deep breath as they entered the parking lot. His mother took care of him and paid extra close attention to him after that, which he was grateful for, but it felt so suffocating. He couldn't shrug her off and pretended like she didn't exist either. 

"You guys didn't wait up!" Seungkwan called out to Hansol, Jun, Minghao, and someone else Jisoo couldn't quite recognize.

"You guys came out too late," Hansol retorted, hands cupped over his mouth to amplify his voice more and waved them over.

Seungkwan raced towards his spot on the hood of Hansol's car, sitting down on it before trapping Hansol in between his legs, who stood in front of him. The younger rolled his eyes at the sudden 'trap' he was in, but leaned agaisnt the older male for some form of cushion. Jisoo also got on the hood as well, sitting cross-legged behind JIsoo who stood next to someone familiar, yet, said stranger.

"Hey Jisoo." Minghao greeted, patting his thigh gently, offering a smile.

He smiled thinly back, "Hello.." he mumbled unsurely, eyes trained on the tall male that had a cigarette hanging from his parted lips, handing the box back to Jun. 

Jisoo watched as Jun took the nicotine roll in between his index finger and middle finger, placing the tip in his mouth, letting it also hang from his lips as he awaited for the other to light his cigarette. He watched as the stranger's cigarette was lit before leaning forward, butting Jun and his forehead together, letting the cigarette light Jun's. His eyes turned into one of awe, his gaze remaining on the toxic, cancerous stick. The puffs of smoke were blown out and some of it went towards him, causing him to cough uncontrollably, interrupting Minghao, Hansol, and Seungkwan's conversation for a moment, Minghao taking initiative and patting his back, as he stared at everyone teary eyed.

"Right," Jun began, patting Jisoo's head, ruffling his hair as his slender fingers threaded through the soft strands reassuringly, "This is Mingyu." his hand slipped from his hair, missing the comfort immediately, and gestured towards the tall male who held a sly smile. 

Mumbling, he responded, or rasped out, "Jisoo." he bowed as much as he could from his position, but Mingyu just cleared his throat.

"No need for formalities, Jisoo," Mingyu hummed, leaning against the hood of the car, getting closer to Jisoo but not too close; though, the stench of the cigarette grew strong, "But I kind of do need your number, so if you may," he took out his phone and handed it to Jisoo who blinked, surprised. As it processed, a vermillion shade capturd his cheeks, growing flustered, staring at the phone in his hands.

"Hey!" Hansol slapped Mingyu's bicep, scolding him, "You're disgusting, before Jisoo came, you were talking about your night with that bitchy senior that's using you." he rolled his eyes, sending a look towards Jisoo, "Don't put your number in, not worth it. You'll get shitty memes."

"You also have shitty memes," Minghao piped in.

"Mine are ne--"

"Anyway, you were head over heels for her in eighth grade, you loser. But dude -- she's not that appealing." Seungkwan mused lightly.

"Eh, she's okay. Her ass is probably the most appealing," Mingyu paused, whistling favorably, "That's how you do it."

"All you do is think and talk about sex, do you not have any other hbbies?"

"I like playing sports."

"To bang the cheerleaders that cheer for,"

"Singing?"

"That's one hobby out of the many that gives you the opportunity to bang someone," Minghao muttered, rolling his eyes.

Jun snorted, hitting Mingyu's bicep as well, causing him to wince, "Sorry for him, Jisoo, he's sex driven."

Jisoo, who had been embarrassed by the conversation, shook his head frantically, signifying it was okay. "I'm not all that bad," he tried to defend himself, puffing out a smoke, "I can show you the good boy I can be," he teased, winking playfully, "Or.." he tried to get closer but was ripped away immediately.

Jisoo's eyes were widened in surprise, gasping at the action before peering up at the new faces. Seungcheol was holding onto Mingyu's blazer while Jeonghan slapped him upside the head, causing him to drop the cigarette, which didn't faze him since he was done with it. Hansol, who was free from Seungkwan's trap, stomped on the remnants, "Okay, ow!"

"Not everything walking is for you to have, dumbass," Jeonghan huffed out before looking at Jisoo with a smile, "Hey, Shua."

Jisoo looked at him confused for a moment as the nickname barely registered it, "S..hua."

"Right, the nickname I gave for you yesterday!" he laughed, "Did you already forget?" Jeonghan pouted before leaning over to grab Jisoo's hand, "Let's work on our project, if you don't mind. I just thought it'd be convenient to at least be a bit more ahead of the class."

"Don't we have the period to work?" he asked softy, feeling Hansol's eyes on him.

"Like I said, ahead of the class is the way to go!" he tugged on his hand, causing Jisoo to jump off the hood of the car and let go of his hand, grabbing his bag and books, slinging his bag over his shoulder. 

Turning towards Jun, he was met by his gaze almost immediately, one that held wariness in the delicate hues, even as a puff of smoke came his way, "Do you have a partner..?"

Seungcheol butted in this time, his arm wrapped around Mingyu's neck, bringing him down to the ground as a punishment, "I snatched him as a partner, don't worry, he's in safe hands. After all, Jeonghan left me hanging with his fans." he rolled his eyes as Jun mourned. 

"I'm stuck with Seungcheol? Fuck,"

"Shut up."

"Sorry," he murmured, handing Mingyu his phone back before being dragged off by Jeonghan, who waved them all off, hands tightly twined together.

\---

_Not many people jump. In fact, they would just go for the a bottle of pills for a less painful death. The other options would immediately be ruled out. Jumping off a building is usually the last resort. It brought too much attention and they would never be able to go on with it. It'd only work if it was at night; when they're taking a casual stroll that turned into the epitome of darkness, clung onto their mind, and unconsciously traveled to the tallest building or the bridge and hang over the ledge. Studies show that jumping off a fairly low bridge still had a higher rate of survival, but to jump off a what - eight story building or school, it would be worse. Everyone knew that though. Not only can you not change your decision, but it'll hurt. It'll hurt so much til' your last breath and even to death. If it gets too terrifying, you can pass out, but sometimes you won't._

_But Jeonghan, what did you have in mind while you tried to jump? Did something bad happen? Were you just not okay for the past week? People fawn over you and you seem find. You seem like you enjoy it. Then again, I can't judge. I don't know how you're feeling. What could have pushed you so much that you got on the roof and was rady to jump? Did you want to feel pain til the very end? Well, I'm still glad you're here._

_Reasons to never jump:_

_1\. Too messy_

_2\. Too crowed_

_3\. Public_

_4\. Someone can stop y-_

Jisoo liftted his pencil from his notebook, his little rant in his messy Korean. His vision blurred once he realized how focus he was. His gae flitted over to the hand that was placed on top of his to get his attention, "Ah.. Sorry." he murmured, closing his notebook and stuffed it back in his bag, looking at Jeonghan. 

"It's okay, had me a little worried there. I thought I already did something to set you off," he joked lightly, looking back down at his phone, "Well, since you're still new here.." he trailed off, scrolling through other stuf before looking back at Jisoo, "There's many places you haven't visited, right?" He nodded, elbows propped up on the table, head resting in the palms of his hand. "Alright. I haven't visited much places either so it'll be an experience for us both?"

"I guess." he responded unsurely, eyes trained on his features, gaze flingering on his plush lips, admiring the way they moved as he talked and then quickly tore his gaze away.

Jeonghan placed his phone down on the table in front of Jisoo as he scrolled through it slowly, "So, I was thinking.. We could visit  _Gyeongbokgung,_ don't know much about it but the pictures are pretty. It's a museum and a garden, I think? Heh, I'll read more about it." he paused, watching for reactions, "The Seoul Tower would be an adventure, wouldn't it?" he quickly added in, talking about the restaurant near there, "We can go to some of the hottest tourist places and take some pictures there. Be with the tourists and hear about the history. Let's use polaroids; they print immediately anyway."

Jisoo felt overwhelmed about this siutation and yet he nodded, getting a little bit excited about the new experience. He could finally leave his house and his parents and explore. But then the idea dawned upon him; wouldn't it be better to stay home with his mother and father? Better yet, would his mother even allow him? The question made him slouch in his seat, gnawing on his bottom lip. In the past, his mother would never let him go on field trips or anything, telling him it was too unsafe for him and that something bad would happen, that it would  be better if he stayed here with her as much as he could; even though she was always gone. The safety of his house would protect him from everything, but not from his loneliness. 

He felt a pat on his shoulder which brought him back to reality. Right, he was sitting in front of the most handsomest guy at the school and here he was; mentally brooding and sulking. He could have chosen anyone else for his partner, but he was chose instead.  _Why._ "Am I really that boring?" Jeonghan asked, mocking to be hurt, causing Jisoo to shake his head frantically.

"No, no!" He blurted out, covering his mouth as he realized how desperate and loud he sounded, feeling his cheeks warmed up, he continued quietly, "Sorry," he murmured, "I'm just.. Thinking."

"About what? About me?" he said teasingly, "Joking. Is Mingyu's stupidity finally getting to you?"

"A-Ah, no!" he shook his head again, suddenly feeling embarrassed.

"Then what?"

"My mother.." he spoke slowly, "I'm not all that sure if she'll.." he averted his gaze, scratching at the nape of his neck, "Let me go."

"How come?'

Jisoo decied to ignore that question as he picked up his pencil, writing something down on a sticky note, as if it was memo before looking at Jeonghan, "She's kind of protective." the bell rang before Jeonghan could question, and Jisoo packed up his things, and placed the sticky note on Jeonghan's forehead, his tongue poking out from the corner of his mouth, "See.. You later." he mumbled shyly and walked out quickly, blending within the crowd immediatey.

Jeonghan blinked, taking the sticky note off his forehead and looked at the sticky note, a small smile appearing immediately. 

_I'm glad you're still here._

\---

School ended and Jisoo was making his way out of class, avoiding the parking lot so Hansol couldn't find him. Jun parted ways with him, not bothering to bring up Hansol as he walked off with Seungcheol to get started on their project. During class, they all sat together. Jeonghan and Jisoo noticed that they did nothing but play on their phones; battling each other in a game.  _Safe hands, huh?_ Then again, Jun didn't really like doing work so he was in somewhat safe hands. Seeing the gate come into view, he walked a bit faster and blended into the crowd, walking along the sidewalk. After a few minutes, a car slowed down next to him. He played it off, thinking it was Hansol until he looked over and saw Jeonghan in the driver's seat, his window rolled down, "Hey. Get in, I'll drop you off."

"No, it's okay." Jisoo said, not wanting to get in the car; not because he didn't like Jeonghan, it's still because he didn't like cars.

"Why?" the elder quirked one eyebrow up, "Scared I might bite you, or crash the car?" he quieted before Jeonghan continued to poke at him, "You won't get over anything if you let fear hold you back," he lilted, making Jisoo huff, glaring briefly, "Unless you wanna hear those cars honk at me for several hours, I suggest you get in." 

Groaning quietly, he hesitated and opened the car door, getting in, slamming it shut and then buckled himself in, lips pursed as he let his gaze travel around the car. He noticed the cigarettes and immediately tore his gaze away, looking out the window as he told the elder here to go.

"Those aren't mine. Those are Mingyu's and probably Seungcheol's."

"I see." he muttered.

As they arrived to his house, Jisoo got out and bid him a farewell, Jeonghan waving back. He saw his mother duck behind the curtains immediately as he walked to the front door. Hearing it unlock, his mother tugged him inside, slamming the door shut and locking it securely, "Who was that? That wasn't Hansol."

"It was a friend, we have a project ot do and he decided to take me home." Jisoo mumbled, shaking underneath her gaze.

"This is first I'm hearing about this."

"It was given to us on Friday..!" he explained, "Sorry I didn't tell you."

"Ah, I see." she said, running her fingers through his hair, "What's your project?"

Jisoo licked his lips before hesitating on his reply. "It's.. To travel aro-"

Just at his words, he felt her grip tighen on his hair and his mother stopped him from continuing, "I won't allow this,"

He winced but then protested, "But mom-"

"No, don't argue with me."

"My grad-"

"Ask your teacher for a substitute assignment," with that, she turned away from her son. 

Slowly, he walked up the stairs, defeated. He walked to his room and dropped his bag on the chair, shrugging his blazer off. He felt.. Sad. Maybe even terrible about the fact that he wasn't able to do it and was going to drag Jeonghan down with him. He didn't have his number either so he couldn't contact him. Though, he did have Hansol's.

_To: Hansol_

_Hey.. Do you have Jeonghan's number?_

Immediately, a response.

_From: Hansol_

_I do. Why? And why is it that you're finally contacted me? I was looking for you after school. Had me worried._

_To: Hansol_

_Sorry, sorry. I've been out of it. Jeonghan took me home. But I need his number for our project._

After a while, the two conversed and that's when he finally got Jeonghan's number. His apology to Hansol was to treat him out tomorrow which Jisoo reluctantly agreed to even though he owed him more than just a dinner. Copying the number and creating a new chat, he was conflicted. He continued to delete each message he wanted to send, not liking what he typed. After an hour, he was somewhat content as he clicked send. 

_To Jeonghan:_

_Hey, Jeonghan, it's me, Jisoo. I wanted to talk about the project. I thought it'd be best if you drop me as a partner and choose a new one. I'd only drag you down. I just met you, and I don't want to give you a bad impression already. Again, sorry, but I do wish you luck on this project._


	6. VI

_Starting from last year, Jeonghan's real father decided to finally come in contact with not only his mother, but him. The ex-couple quarreled immediately, it was questionable. Nonetheless, he could only stay silet. His mother went on and on about how much he didn't have the right to waltz back into their lives as if he did nothing wrong in the first place; was it to show off? Gloat? No one knew. Instead, his father looked him right in the eyes and said he wanted his son back. At that moment, he could feel his heart stop. His chest crumbled up with pain almost immediately, the low pulse from it echoing in his ear. Suddenly, he heard crying in the other room and took the opportunity to bolt out of there before his mother yelled at Jeonghan to tend to his sister. He saw her crying, sitting up on her bed, complaining about the loud noise, and how it frightened her. He took the opportunity to lull her back to sleep with a song his mother always sang as her big doe eyes gaze up at him, tear filled, but her cries subsided as he placed her on his lap._

_His eyes were also filled with tears, beginning to cry as warm tears cascaded down his sullen cheeks, feeling his fingers brush against them in her feeble attempt to wipe them away. His father finally came back, and yet, he felt so empty about it. Jeonghan heard footstps and then a loud slam. Everything was silent besides his broken hymns. Moments later, his mom entered the room, exhaustion evident on her face as her step father helped her inside. They were startled by Jeonghan's tears and his mother took her out of his lap and handed her to his stepfather and immediately embraced her oldest son who cried so loudly into the nape of her neck until his voice grew hoarse. All his pain, suffering, and sadness emptied out on the spot, letting himself dwindle on the vulnerability that he tried to hide._

_He felt fingers thread through his long hair, dyed a silvery blond, and he was hushed, only able to sniffle, "He was here.. He was.. He.. Mom, that was real, right?" he whispred, voice brokem, tone laced with sadness._

_A kiss was placed on his cheek; warm and reassuring, "It.." she paused, feeling her own voice crack, "It was." she murmured, moving her hand down to rub his back reassuringly._

_Once things were settled, his mother took him away from his sister's room and into his own, and he begrudgingy followed, wiping his face furiously. That's when she told him the news about what his father said. That at least on the weekends, he'll stay over there with his sister; to have dinner, sleepover, and then return home Sunday night. That on school breaks, they would stay there for half of the break and then come back home. The news didn't settle with Jeonghan as he felt the bitterness creep into his body, but he agreed nonetheless._

\---

He stared blankly at the food that sat in front of him, at his father's home. His little sister, Jiwoo, ran in happily, wearing her favorite pastel pink, puffy dress. His expression softened as she spotted her brother and gave him the largest smile ever. Her tiny legs ran over to him and she climbed onto his lap, smacking a wet, sloppy kiss on his cheek, and crawled inot the chair next to him, plopping down, letting her feet swing idly. He chuckled and ruffled her hair gently and heard the chair in front of him screech against the marble flooring, causing him to tense, but didn't look up. _Dad._ This was the third time he's properly visited and stuck with the routine. Jeonghan always tried to find a way out, but it never worked because his father always kept to the schedule.

His new wife sat next to him, giving Jeonghan a smile, but Jeonghan knew it was fake. A smile back wouldn't hurt, so he returned it. Their eight year old son sat in one of the chairs and waved at both Jeonghan and Jiwoo, mostly towards Jeonghan. He waved back and paid them no mind.  _What was his name again? Youngjin? Jinyoung? Taehyung?_

"Taemin, how was your day today?" his father asked, sincerely curious that it made Jeonghan want to  _gag._

_Oh, it was Taemin. My bad._

Taemin always enjoyed Jeonghan's presence and wanted to be 'just like him'. Perhaps because he was an older brother figure role he just found out about and aspired to be like him, hearing stories from his own mouth, father, and mother. Jeonghan barely acknowledged him. It wasn't because his bitter feelings, but Taemin always found a way to bully Jiwoo without him knowing. He knew Taemin was fine, but being around him also made him uncomfortable. The whole time, his half brother babbled on and on about his school day, talking about some cute girl in his class which earned a smile from his father, but a look of disapproval form his mother, causing Jeonghan to  _almost_ laugh. 

"Jeonghan, why aren't you eating?" his father asked so suddenly, it caught him off guard.

He cleared his throat, his expression blank, "Not that hungry."

"Isn't this your-"

"Jeonghan already ate before leaving, but no, it's not his favorite." Jiwo piped in, shaking her head, as she smiled at him. 

He slid his hand underneath the table, and immediately his high five was accepted. 

"Ah, I didn't know that," his father's wife frowned, "I'm sorry, Jeonghan."

"It's okay,"  he flashed her a smile, "I do know your cooking is wonderful, that's what counts."

"If you know that, you should be able to eat it."

A glare was sent towards his father as he quieted, thinking about the various scenarios that could happen, feeling the eyes train on them, "Already said I wasn't hungry." he muttered, feeling his phone vibrate in his pocket and took it out immediately, stopping once his father spoke once more.

"How was your day then, Jeonghan?"

Rolling his eyes, he sighed heavily, "The same. Boring, out with friends. Ah, reminds me," he paused an evil glint appearing in his eyes, "I was supposed to go to a party tonight but wounded up coming here because you came way too early. Mom was about to allow me too," he brooded, unlocking his phone, "Such a shame."

"Don't talk about that at the table," he felt the tension grow, and his father's disappointed look as the two kids stared at him, his son staring in awe.

"What? The parties?" he mused, "The drinks and everything? Fine." he narrowed his eyes, "Can't help it. I mean, that's how you met mom, right?" he snorted, reading the message on his phone now, watching out of his peripheral vision at how  _pissed_ he looked, and he felt accomplished.

After he was done reading the message, he frowned, saving Jisoo's contact. He began to type back before stopping, realizing he didn't quite like what he said. His father was lecturing, but it all was drowned out as he reread the text over and over again, feeling a bit sad about it now, and he could care less about his father as of right now.

"We're having dinner, Jeonghan. I would think by now that you had manners at the table. Get off your phone."

" _You_ guys are having dinner. As for manners, I wouldn't know. Didn't have a dad to raise me to have adequate manners for seven years."

Again, he ignored him until he began to spout more words that Jeonghan let drown out.

"Are you listening?"

Silence

"I'm your fa-"

"Yeah, are you now?" he snapped back immediately, causing his father to look at him in surprise, his own wife tensing, and Taemin blinking rapidly, "Last time I checked, you haven't been my father for the past twelve years," he seethed, standing up from his seat and picking Jiwoo up along the way, "I don't understand what gave  _you_ the right to even act like my father suddenly, to act like hers. I don't understand why it took you twelve years to do this, to finally confront us but then pretend it's okay?" pushing in his chair, he thanked his wife for the meal, and looked at his father, "I'm not doing this satisfy your needs or anything, I'm doing this for mom so you don't bring her anymore sadness or pain. So, don't get all cocky, thinking I'm doing this because I want my dad back. That feeling disappeared  _years_ ago. Now, if you excuse us, we're retiring early tonight." With that, they went upstairs to their room.

_To Jisoo_

_Aw.. But I only want you as a partner. You wouldn't drag me down. Besides, wouldn't it be cool if we worked together? We already made some good progress anyway, it'd suck to drop the project. I know that isn't the real reason, so, tell me whenever, until then, you're my partner._

Locking his phone, he plugged it into his charger, setting it on the bedside table, turning to look down at Jisoo who curled up into his side, head resting on his bicep, "Don't you have your own room?" he mumbled, flicking her forehead before sighing as he looked up at the ceiling, shifting onto his side after, face her, his back to the door as he wrapped his arms around her. 

"Yes, but I don't wanna go there." she whined, causing Jeonghan to snort. It was silent until her voice rang lightly, "Jeonghan?"

"Hm?"

"You don't like him, huh?" she asked quietly. "You don't like papa?" he winced lightly when she called him that; she was fond of him, he wasn't.

"I like him," he lied, "We just don't get along anymore.

"Oh, why?"

_Yeah, why?_

"You can know when you're older."

Silence blanketed them once more before she squeaked, "I'm older now, please tell me."

Jeonghan laughed, and ruffled her hair, "Nice try, silly. Go rest."

"Fine," she whined, nuzzling into him. 

Moments later, he heard the door open and a sigh of relief. His dad was probably relieved his son was still here and not out to party. He rolled his eyes at the thought of that. There wasn't even a party, that's for next week. 

\---

Jisoo woke up the next morning, stretching out his sore muscles before checking his phone, blinking away the blurriness from his vision. A soft sigh escaped as he read the text. It failed but he was also feeling a bit relieved he actually wanted to be his partner, despite the circumstances. Hesitantly, he replied about how his mother won't allow him and to his surprise, he got a text back immediately and made Jisoo laugh at the random joke that was sent in. But then his heart raced at how he was told to sneak out whenever he could.  _Can I do that?_ He was home alone more than he was with his mother, it could work. He'd just worry about if he arrived later and his mother and father were already home. What would happen then? The project seemed nice though and he didn't wanna pass up the offer. Nodding to himself, he found the courage to say he's okay with the project and he'd deal with the consequences later.

_From: Jeonghan_

_Great! Pick you up at 12._

_At 12?_ He glanced at the clock and realized it was 10:39 AM. Immediately, he stumbled out of his bed and rushed to get ready. He showered, dried himself off, brushed his teeth, and dressed into a simple blue sweater with jeans, complimented with his converse. By the time he was done, it was 11:51 AM, and he didn't realize it took him so long to get ready. Rubbing the nape of his neck, he jumped at the sound of his phone and was disappointed that it was a text from Hansol reminding him about the dinner tonight he promised. Jisoo quickly sent him back a reply and told him he'd text him when he was ready because he was gonna work on the project with Jeonghan. Exiting the room, his phone buzzed and it was Jeonghan saying he was outside and to not yell at him because of how messy his car is. 

Smiling, he walked down the stairs and jumped once he saw his mother eyeing him, "Where are you going?"

His tone was soft as he murmured, "O..ut with Hansol."

A look of relief washed over her face, "Alright, have fun. Be safe."

He nodded and hurried out the door, immediately being greeted by the striking black Audi in front of his driveway. He prayed his mother didn't recognize the car if she was watching out through the windows again. 

Hurrying to the car, he opened the passenger door, and was almost blinded by Jeonghan's lovely smile, "Hey Jisoo.. Joshuaaa.. Shuaa.." he cringed as he sat down, closing the door.

"Too much?" Jeonghan asked, laughing, letting his ignition roar back to life.

"Just a bit."

"Shua!" a voice was heard behind him, causing him to flinch and turned around to look at the source.

"Don't scare him like that, Jiwoo." Jeonghan mumbled, glancing at her from the rearview mirrow, beginning to drive.

"Oops, sorry!" she said, giggling.

Jisoo smiled and then chuckled, extending out his hand for her to shake. She stared at it and then shook two of his fingers, grinning, her smile just as lovely as Jeonghan's.  _Good genes must run through this family._

"Okay, we're dropping you off first." Jeonghan stated, causing her to whine.

"Wait, no!" she protested weakly.

"Wait, yes!"

She pouted, looking out the window, causing Jeonghan to shrug. Jisoo looked between them with a small smile, before watching as Jeonghan's gaze flitted over to meet his, "What are you smiling about?"

A blush manage to make its way onto his face before humming, "Nothing, absolutely nothing."

Once they arrived at Jeonghan's house, Jeonghan and Jisoo both got out, Jeonghan unbuckling Jiwoo from her carseat, letting her run into the garage that opened. Unbuckling the car seat, he slid the belt out from the holes that held it and tugged it out. Jisoo, on the other, grabbed their bags, and wondered where they went, but it was light.

"Thank you, Shua." the elder hummed, walking ahead, and telling Jisoo to follow him.

Walking into their home through the garage door, Jisoo's index finger barely brushed against the button and let the garage close. He followed him inside and set their things down on the couch, while Jeonghan placed the carseat beside their things. The elder's eyes were filled with mischief, "Wanna know where we're going?"

Jisoo blinked a few times, tilting his head, "Where?"

"Haeundae Beach!" he spoke happily, "The weather is nice and all, haven't been to the beach in a while. A swim sounds nice, the water is pretty! And-" he paused, seeing Jisoo's mildly impressed expression, "A lot of good pictures and memories for the project..?" he trailed off, noticing how the impressed expression was mixed in with approval.

"I didn't bring any swimwear.."

"You can borrow some of mine. Come on, let's go to my room."

Following him, he was shocked when Jeonghan suddenly stopped. Peeking over his shoulder, Jisoo saw Jeonghan's mother, father, and Jiwoo. Immediately, he bowed out of respect, earning a delighted laugh as his face heated up immediately. Slowly, he rose, seeing their smiles.

"How was your father's?"

_Father's? Isn't he- Ah, I see._

"It was fin-" Jeonghan began but was cut off by his sister.

"He fought with him a lot," Jiwoo grinned, trotting around the room before hugging Jisoo's leg with a giggle.

"You brat." Jeonghan grumbled, only earning a giggle from her, "And get off my friend!"

A sigh was heard from his mother, "Jeonghan, what did I say about fighting with your father?"

"Not to do it."

"Right, and what have you been doing?"

"... Fighting with dad."

"And what?"

"Now, I'm gonna try to get along with him."

A pleased smile was on her face as she gestured towards Jisoo, waiting for Jeonghan to introduce him to them. Jisoo looked surprised for a moment, looking over at Jeonghan before turning his gaze back towards them, "I'm.. Hong Jisoo." looking between them, he felt an arm wrap around his neck, bringing him clsoer, much to Jiwoo's distaste.

"From America!" Jeonghan announced proudly. 

"Wow, America is much more different from Korea, huh?" his father said, chuckling.

Jisoo nodded quickly in agreement, "Yes, it is," he slaped the elder's chest, pulling away.

"We have.. The same names! Kind of!" Jiwoo said excitedly, nuzzling his leg and then walking over to her mom to jump into her lap.

"It's nice to meet you," his mother said, smiling softly, as she picked up Jiwoo.

"The pleasure's.. All mine.."

Suddenly, his wrist was grabbed and he was dragged upstairs, "Anyway, we have a project for school so I'm gonna be gone a lot. Oops, bye!"

Jisoo already knew it was going to be an interesting project.


	7. VII

Jisoo didn't want to agree that he was sitting, laying, or standing there awkwardly as Jeonghan scavenged through his, and he quotes, 'half clean, half dirty' room for a swimsuit. Although, Jisoo just saw it as plain messy, like a cliche teenager's room should be, but he wasn't gonna say anything, in case he disheartens the elder for some reason. Posters were pinned up along his wall, while awards were thrown around on his carpeted floor or on his already messy desk. Currently, the youngest occupied his surprisingly made bed, laying down on the plush mattress, hands clasped on top of his stomach, as his amber hues continued to follow Jeonghan along the room.

"Found it!" he yelled out with glee, watching as he tugged out the swimsuit out of the dresser, placing it on the bed. 

Instead of sitting down besides his laying figure, he got down on his knees, startling Jisoo, watching as the male disappeared underneath his bed to grab something. Blinking a few times, he warily sat up, pushing his legs back against his chest, sitting there for a second and then sprawling out as he crawled to the edge of his bed. His upper half hung off the bed slightly, one hand immediately reaching down to stable himself, feeling the carpet press into his palm, and if he were to move suddenly, he knew he'd get a carpet burn.  _Worst enemy._ He peeked under the bed, eyes squinting for a moment. It was too dark for him to even make out a figure and he was surprised Jeonghan even made it down here. 

"Boo!" Jisoo jumped slightly, losing his stabilized position and rolling forward with a yelp and a loud thud. Groaning loudly, he stayed still, gaping at Jeonghan after as their faces drew closer, yet he was pale from fright.

A warm hand was felt on top of his head, the other's laughs dying down as he delicately threaded his fingers through the soft strands, his laughter trailing off with a worried hum, "Sorry, Shua, couldn't help it," he beamed down towards the younger male, chuckling as he felt Jisoo relax, leaning into his touch, his comforting, warm palm. 

"Rude," he hissed under his breath, gaze fixated on the bag that Jeonghan now held in his other hand as they laid on the carpet floor in peace. 

Assuming he got it from underneath his bed, Jisoo turned on his side and leaned over Jeonghan to grab it out of his grasp, feeling his hand fall out of his hair. Sitting up more, he sat back down on the bed, hearing Jeonghan huff lightly and stay down on the ground for a moment or two longer. That's when his breath hitched when he felt Jeonghan drawing near once more. Yet, he ignored it as he unzipped the bag for the elder, watching him put in all the basic necessities they were scavenging for during the hour of being up here. His back barely brushed against the elder's chest, feeling his grip tightened on the bag, the zippers digging into the groove of his hand. He felt his face heat up once a hand was placed on his waist to stop him from falling on top of Jisoo entirely. Jisoo felt the warmth of his hand seep in through his sweater, barely brushing against the slight exposure of the bare skin. 

_Towels, swimsuit, Jeonghan is near me.. Jisoo, snap out of it! Sunscreen? Some cologne? Jeonghan smells nice too, he smells really good. It's actually pretty strong. Jeonghan, Jeonghan, Jeonghan.. Crap._

"Earth to Shua.." he heard, finally snapping him out of his thoughts.

Peeking over his shoulder, his gaze flickered over to meet Jeonghan's amused gaze, "What?" he managed to rasp out. 

He watched as the other's tongue swiped along his bottom lip in thought, the amusement now complimenting his features, "Been calling you for the past five minutes, nice to know I got the connection back," he teased, his hand that was putting things into the bag, reached up, tugging at one of Jisoo's hair strand to represent an antenna, his hand on his waist tightening for a moment, molding into the feel of his waist, memorizing it silently. A pink hue dusted along his cheeks, the tips of his ear growing that shade, watching Jeonghan's eyes train onto the apple of his cheeks. They were both in  _very_ close proximity next each other.

"Should we head out soon?"

He felt Jeonghan's breath fan against the inner jugular of his neck, causing him to jump lightly, turning his head to look at him, "We can."

Jeonghan grinned, eyes forming into soft crescents, standing up and walking back to the dresser to grab his phone, wallet, and keys. Jisoo took the opportunity to fan himself off.

"Camera?" the youngest piped in suddenly, tilting his head.

"Right! The polaroid. God, I should have accepted that polaroid from my mom last year.. Mm.. We can just buy a new one, and film." he slid his phone and wallet into his pockets, swinging his lanyard around as his keys jingled. He beckoned Jisoo to stand up, to get put the swimsuit beneath his clothes.

Jisoo grabbed the swimsuit and trudged into his bathroom, leaving Jeonghan to get ready in his room. Discarding his clothing, he slipped the swimwear on, sighing in relief as it fit him. Slowly slipping his clothes back on, feeling his soft, cotton sweater brush against his bare skin, he walked out, realizing the elder was already done. Immediately, he was dragged out of the room. Jeonghan handed him the bag as they raced down the stairs and was about to reach the door before Jeonghan's mother stopped them both.

Jisoo wheezed lightly as his body came into contact with Jeonghan's broad back, arms automatically wrapping around him for support. Jeonghan took the initiative to hold onto his hands, wrapping them tighter around him with a grin before meeting his mother's soft gaze. That's when she waved money around in front of her son's face, waiting until he grabbed it. Looking at it unsurely, he blinked. 

"To bring Jiwoo along."

"What?" he whined, "Bring her along for our  _school_ project? Really, mom?"

"Just this once," she flicked his forehead, "Dad and I are heading out and we can't get a babysitter in time. Plus, Seungcheol's a bit busy with his project to even babysit her and I'm not gonna make him babysit her while he works on it."

"So, you're making  _me_ babysit her while we do  _our_ project? Mom!" Jeonghan groaned, his grip tightening on Jisoo for a moment, as the youngest silently felt his head short circuit at the close contact, cheek hesitantly resting against his back. 

"Or, I'll just take back-"

"Fine, fine!" he interrupted, snatching the money out of her grasp, and letting Jisoo go, which luckily saved him. Jiwoo peeked out from the hallway, her bag in tow, grinning brightly, as if she already had this planned. Jisoo laughed at the sight, watching as Jeonghan glowered at her, "Jiwoo, I'm not gonna do everything you say this time, so don't you dare guilt trip me either. If you tell me to pick you up, you bet I'm making you walk." he warned, causing her to pout.

"I.. I don't mind holding her," Jisoo piped in, looking between them, "I mean, if she's comfortable enough-"

"Jisoo, you're coddling her," he whined, "But dude, she's basically in love with you," he paused and then shrugged, "Wouldn't blame her." he nudged her forehead with his fingers, grabbing her pigtails like reigns, "Come on, horse." he hummed, "We're off to the store because my  _lovely_ mother gave us money to buy stuff now and then the beach." Jiwoo swatted at his hands and then slouched in defeat as she realized she was unable to get him to let go and reluctantly guided the way as his mother rolled her eyes at the sight, smiling lightly.

\---

Jisoo didn't think that it'd take them a few hours at the store to even get their polaroid, along with the films. The Yoon siblings were _quite_ the handful. Along with the camera and film, they went out to get a posterboard for the project so they could finish up the other necessities they would need. Then, the Yoon siblings go distracted by everything. Jisoo was in charge of the cart, and various times, he had to firmly say no and move on, leaving two dejected siblings. Along the adventure, Jisoo found out that Jiwoo was five. That only happened because he asked her for her age, and then asked Jeonghan to prove his point. He was in charge of babysitting Jiwoo, not Jiwoo  _and_ Jeonghan. Sooner or later, the cart was filled with snacks, Jiwoo having placed so much sugary candies inside as well. Jisoo paid for the things, much to Jeonghan's dismay, but then let him pay for the camera and films instead.

At one point, they were in the car and out on the road as Jisoo took out the map, eyes lingering on each red 'x' to show where they were gonna go for the trip and silently reminded himself that he was actually going out to explore the world. Twenty potential places they would visit by the end of the school year, and that was in three months. The trips would probably take a month, while the essay and setting up the project with the pictures glued on the board would take much longer because.. Well, procrastination. Jisoo could already picture the board. He set up a reminder to make a foldable flap to insert this map in. 

Jeonghan handed him his phone to get to his GPS and to put in their destination. To their relief, it was still a nice day. The silence was covered up by the GPS'  _locating..._ The ride was about thirty minutes, maybe more, considering it off in Busan and they didn't know how the ride was gonna be. Knowing Jeonghan, he was gonna miss a lot of turns. The car ride was filled with Jeonghan's playlist, compliments to his roadtrip music he worked on the other night, and Jisoo couldn't help but praise his music taste. Though, it would pause every time the lady on the phone talked, much to his distaste. They wasted ten minutes trying to figure out how to change to a guy's voice because

1\. It was hotter

2\. Jiwoo's request

Or at least a sexier woman voice, but they couldn't find it. 

Jisoo thought he was gonna fall asleep before they even got there but luckily, the GPS said they reached their destination. But, they didn't know where to park so Jeonghan quickly swerved into a mall's parking lot that was near Haeundae beach.

"There!" Jiwoo suddenly shouted, resulting in her kicking Jisoo's seat on accident, "Sorry!" she squeaked.

Jisoo peeked over his shoulder to look at her, laughing, poking at her leg, grinning, "It's fine."

Jeonghan, having already gotten used to her outburst, parked in the space she yelled about. Before, her random outburst would probably make him swerve elsewhere or let go of the wheel for a second but quickly grasping onto it. Hearing the door unlock, Jiwoo took that as a cue to unclip her belt, shimmying them away and opened the door herself. Jisoo quickly got out of the car to pick her up, letting her legs securely wrap around his hips, arms around his neck as well. Jeonghan grabbed their bags, as well as the one filled with snacks, and Jisoo leaned over, going through the plastic bags to grab the camera and one pack of film. 

The elder guided them towards the beach after the doors were closed and locked, walking down the stairs. Through his shoes, he could feel the mushy, grainy feel of the sand and couldn't help but smile lightly. It reminded him of America, he missed America. Even though he had just a few friends, they would often go to the beach, with his mother's permission. That was only a few times before she isolated him off entirely. The beach was his getaway. Some nights, he would sneak out with them to reminisce and savor the moments, even taking polaroid pictures. Jisoo had those photos stowed away in his wallet for safe keeping. On his last day, they snuck out one last time and did a bunch of things together before residing in their safe haven; the beach. He missed America.

 _But if I didn't come to Korea..._ His gaze flickered over towards Jeonghan who ran to find their spot, Jiwoo wiggling out of Jisoo's grip, following after her older brother. The sun shined vibrantly against his porcelain-like skin, complimenting every single feature on his face.  _I wouldn't have met you._

"Come on, slowpoke!" Jiwoo exclaimed, excitedly plopping down on the first blanket that was placed down.

Jisoo shook his head in amusement and jogged over, grinning for a moment as his steps slowed down. He tugged off his shoes and socks, relishing in the feeling of the sand against his bare feet. He sighed, relaxed now, as he set up the camera. He took the wrapper off the film and tugged the back of the camera off, then putting the film in, closing it after. Turning it on, he clicked the button, watching as the fake film slid out. 

"Uhm.." he started, looking through the finder, the pads of his index finger rubbing against the shutter button, gaining Jeonghan's attention. Immediately, the elder smiled, eyes closed, a peace sign shooting up last second. The flash went off and the picture slid out from the top and he placed it besides their things. Jeonghan leaned over and took it from Jisoo and handed it to Jiwoo, "Take a picture of us!" he said happily, standin gup and then wrapped his arms around Jisoo, causing him to laugh a bit awkwardly, nose scrunching up as he smiled at the elder, watching as he rested his chin against his shoulder, mirroring his smile, hearing the shutter go off. Even though they weren't ready, they hoped it was a good one as the photo fell out. Jisoo breathed deeply once he stepped away, not realizing he held his breath. Smaller hands grabbed his index and middle finger and tugged him to the beach, hearing Jeonghan whine.

Even though he was still dressed, he barely managed to roll his jeans up to up his calves before feeling the cold water cling onto his exposed skin. To his surprise, Jeonghan dived in right besides them, soaking them both immediately.

\---

The sun was setting and some pictures were taken, Jiwoo being in a couple of them. The sunset was absolutely breathtaking as his gaze lingered on the shimmery, pink, orange, and yellow texture that cascaded through the sky so pleasantly. Many people still remained at the beach, exhausted but admiring the same view he was. The air around them was humid, but bearable. He laid next to Jiwoo as she curled into his side immediately, falling asleep against him. Jisoo's eyes shut for a moment and it was silent, relaxing. That was, until he heard the shutter of the camera. A gasp escaped his mouth as he opened his mouth, trying to grab the camera, "Give it! Throw that one away!"

"Which one? The one on my phone or the one right here?" Jeonghan coyly replied, a smirk playing on his lips.

"The one on your.. Wait, what?" Jisoo said dumbfounded as he carefully shifted away from Jiwoo, and moved closer to Jeonghan as he showed the polaroid and his phone, "Hey, delete that!"

"But you're so.. At ease and cute," Jeonghan cooed, snickering after as he tried to get away from Jisoo's quick movement.

"No, no!" he chorused, trying to follow his every move.

Of course, he was clumsy.

His legs got tangled on the empty blanket as he leaned over, fingers barely brushing against the phone and then falling on top of Jeonghan. It was silent, aside from the waves rushing against the shore and retreating back. Then, Jeonghan spoke, "Deja vu, seems familiar, right?" he murmured, lips quirking up.

Jisoo rolled his eyes, snatching the photo away instead, rolling off of him, "Hah."

"It's okay, it's still on my phone, anyway."

Jisoo graoned, smacking the other's bare chest and sitting back up, dusting off his somewhat damp sweater, trying to get the sand off. He was able to salvage his jeans in time, discarded it right after Jeonghan splashed them and left it out to dry, but Jisoo kept his sweater on. Maybe because he felt self conscious. Jeonghan dug through their bag and tossed him his hoodie. He hesitated before shedding off his sweater, then putting the hoodie on, over his smaller frame, as it sagged, indicating it was large on him. It gave him sad sweater paws against his frail body, watching as Jeonghan slid his shirt on.

"We should head home, she's already asleep," Jeonghan mused, cleaning their things up.

Jisoo began to help him, looking at her for a moment. Not wanting the day to end, he responded anyway, "Yeah, let's go."

\---

The two decided to drop off Jiwoo and their stuff off first at Jeonghan's place before dropping Jisoo off. Then, Jisoo piped in, "Wait, can you drop me off somewhere else?"

"And where would that be?" Jeonghan questioned, quirking one eyebrow up.

"Uh.. I was.. Supposed to go out and have dinner with Hansol soon. He texted me to remind me while we were at the beach so.." he trailed off, "You can drop me off at the cafe near the school, he said to meet him there if you're able to take me.

"Yeah?" he saw Jeonghan's body language change at the mention of Hansol and drove the other direction, "Alright," and let the music play in the background. Jisoo was suddenly glad he was able to go to the bathroom at the beach and changed there, keeping the hoodie on nonetheless. His jeans back on, not wearing the drenched swimsuit anymore.

"Was there a reason you came to Korea?" Jeonghan suddenly asked, causing Jisoo to look at him in surprise.

He pondered on thatquestion, forgetting his reason. It slipped his mind for a moment before he recalled. "Ah, job relocation.. and the air in America wasn't doing.. Me any good so.." he admitted shyly, shrugging after, "It's nothing bad really."

Jeonghan was suddenly interested in his words, but decided not to pry as he nodded, "I see." he murmured as the cafe came into view, as well as Hansol's car. "Guess your stop is here?"

"Mhm, thank you!" he grinned, looking at Jeonghan.

"No problem."

Surprising them both, Jeonghan felt a kiss planted against his cheek, "I'll give this back next time I see you. Thank you again, I had fun today." he mumbled shyly, tugging down at the sleeves that were already big on him, "Bye Jeonghan," he hummed, getting out of the car and quickly ran over to Hansol's car with a sheepish smile, getting in.

Jeonghan, who sat there, had a warm smile on his lips as he glanced at the photos in his phone and then the second polaroid they took together; Jisoo's nose scrunched up as he smiled, Jeonghan mimicking his smile, the way his sweater complimented him. He looked.. Genuinely happy, they both did.

For once, he felt happy again.


	8. VIII

At school, Jisoo went about his day normally. Except, that there were eyes trained on him. He felt confused, insecure even. Every gaze on him watched him in distaste, fascination, or indifferent towards the boy. Though, it made him feel wary; cautious even.  _I don't think I'm wearing anything weird. Oh god, did the cowlick not go down?_ He silently had an inner turmoil with himself as he heard the faint hushed whispers echo along the hallway. His eyebrows were furrowed immediately, looking around for a moment and then tore his gaze away; onto the tiled flooring. His heart was racing, his hands felt clammy, causing him to wipe it against his jeans. Finally, he turned a sharp corner, his back pressed against the cold, metal locker with a quiet noise, eyes trained on the now deserted hallway. Immediately, he hurried towards his locker, the pads of his fingers brushing against the rough texture of the lock. After numerous attempts of him failing to open it, he managed to yank it open, staring at it blankily as his locker hit his forehead. He rubbed the tender spot generously and grabbed his books. 

As soon as he closed the door, he was met by Hansol's curious gaze. Looking at him in surprise, he saw Hansol's gaze lowered down onto the ground, following it, he saw a letter with his name on it. Blinking, he leaned down, stepping gently down on the corner of it, before his nimble fingers grabbed the other corner, picking it up successfully. Opening it, he read the letter from Jeonghan. It was silent between them as excitement bubbled in his chest.

"Hey, what's that?" Hansol suddenly said, prying eyes trying to lean in to read.

Jisoo held it to his chest, "Class n-notes!" he said quickly, licking his chapped lips and shoved it into his backpack, hearing it crinkle, "Shall we head to class?"

"Er, yeah," Hansol paused, eying his best friend before leaning over, hooking their arms together and tugging him forward to follow, "You've been acting funny lately. Not that I mind, you're talking, and I love your voice, anyway, so what can I say?"

"So, it's bad?" Jisoo asked softly, frowning.

Quickly, Hansol shook his head, "No, no! Of course not, It's.. Pretty nice. Hearing your voice, that is."

"Oh..." he mumbled, turning red once more, "It's.. Nice hearing yours too." he spoke awkwardly, causing the younger to laugh.

"Really? I figured it would be annoying by now, since it's all you hear."

"Sometimes."

"Josh!"

A grin managed to make its way onto Jisoo's face, a soft snicker escaping as he shook his head, "Joking, joking."

On the way to their class, Hansol and him chatted; mostly about trivial things, and sometimes bringing up their dinner 'date' as Hansol liked to put it, causing Jisoo to roll his eyes. Down the hall, they passed Jeonghan's group. Their eyes met for a moment, a hint of a smile on Jeonghan's face and that's when Jisoo's eyes lowered at the girl clinging onto his arms. A scoff was heard besides him, "Of course."

_Ah, right. He has other people._

\---

_Hey, Shua! Neat that I did a letter, right? Meet me by the front gates when the last bell rings. Yeah, I know we're in the same class and all but I gotta tend to things first. We'll go on another trip, how does that sound? Nothing special, it's gonna be simple this time!_

_\- Han_

Minutes that soon turned into hours had passed since the last bell rang, leaving Jisoo to lean against the gate. His hands were stuffed into his pocket as he silently kicked at the ground, pursing his lips a the courtyard emptied out quickly, the parking lot seemingly emptied, the cars drove away, the headlights shining at him before disappearing. It became cold, he was freezing. His thing sweater shared no heat at all. He recognized Jeonghan's car and blinked a few times. His heart felt heavy, his excitement dying down whenever cars passed him or he heard false footsteps. A frown was fixated on his pink, plump lips. He didn't get any other message from Jeonghan and it was already late. Maybe they can try again tomrrow. Looking around once more, he hesitated on his steps before slowly walking away from the gates, down the dark pathway that would eventually lead him back to his home. 

He saw lights illuminate through the curtain and not only his mother's car, but father's. _Are they actually both home?_ He didn't know how to feel about it, he didn't even feel relieved. He walked up to his front door, unlocking it with his keys. He soon felt dizzy and sluggish from the cold, and the long walk home. Jisoo stepped into the warm house so suddenly, it made him sick. A bitter, acrid taste filled his mouth from it. 

That's when he realized the mess in the house. 

Glass was shattered, broken frames were scattered around, their pictures were scratched at, and many other things that were once clean and cozy, was an absolute mess before his eyes. The yelling soon was cranked up in his ears, causing him to look up immediately, meeting their angry eyes. He felt his phone buzzing multiple times, but instead of checking it, he closed the door, and locked it after.

"Aha!" a bitter laugh escaped his father's mouth, eyes crinkling up with malice, "There's my son, I missed my boy during my trip," he hummed lowly, sarcastically, "Still fucked up in the head, aren't ya? My only son, still a bit fucked up."

Jisoo froze, feeling his hands shake, his mouth opening to protest, but nothing came out, all his words lodged into his throat.

"Cat got your tongue? Sheesh, you haven't changed at all since I left for that trick. Thought you would have at least had the audacity to get better, but nope. Hm, let me guess," he gestured towards his mother, "This bitch still playing around with you, huh? Grow a pair and leave her while you're at it since all she does is  _play around._ "

"Fuck you," his mother seethed. 

Jisoo ignored his words now, mouth closing as his gaze flickered towards the vacant stairs. He didn't wanna get caught up in their quarrel at all. It would only stress him out more, and upset him while he was at it, "Where ya going?" his father asked, feeling the tight grip on his bicep that soon pulled him down, roughly shoving him onto the ground, "Don't wanna give your pops a hug either, huh? Well, I guess you can't because you fell on your ass, right?"

"Leave him alone," she managed to snap, glaring at her husband.

Jisoo let out a loud yelp as the shards dug into his palm, feeling it through his clothing as well. His breathing turned ragged, eyes widening, his skin paling as he looked around for something to calm him down. He felt a warm substance trail down his arms, ignoring that it was blood, even though the smell of iron filled his senses. That was the only thing he was able to smell. "Jisoo, look at me." he heard his mother's voice, causing him to look up at her. This time, he couldn't find the makeshift comfort it held, it only held anger, hatred, and disappointment, "Mom's here, calm down. You don't have to worry about anything anymore. Let me h-" she cut herself off when Jisoo flinched away from her touch, "Are all you Hong's like this? Ungrateful?" she growled lowly, "Fucking ungrateful." she repeated, looking between him and his father.

"'M.. m.. Sor..ry." he rasped out, trying to level out his breathing.

"Sorry won't ever satisfy this bitch." his father laughed and leaned down, his gaze settled on his son and for some surprising reason, he saw warmth inside them, something he longed for as he stared at him in awe, "Get outta here, kid. Your mom and I are still talking." 

Immediately, Jisoo nodded and crawled away from the scene, ignoring the shards that continued to dig into every aspect of his palm, as it seeped into the ground and made such an ugly color. His palms stained the carpeted stairs and into the room he went, closing it behind him, and locking it securely. Again, he heard them yelling loudly, things thrown about. His back was pressed against the door as he let out a broken sob. His body continued to tremble, palms soaked with blood were raised, trembling. His cries grew louder and louder, not trying to overpower his parents' yelling, but to block it out; to stop it. 

Slowly, he crawled onto his bed, ignoring the pain that shot up his hands continuously. He chose to ignore the stains now, especially as it stained his sheet. His innocence. His damn house. He felt his phone continuing to vibrate again, but all he could do was ignore it, and continue to cry his eyes out for as long as he was able to. For as long as he wanted. _For however long I want? That sounds nice._

Minutes passed as he heard something against his window but decided to ignore it. Instead, he was going to let whatever it was come in and end his life.  _By all means, go ahead._ He was never going to be okay.

"Shua? Fuck, there's a screen." he heard someone curse. A familiar voice. A voice that made his heart melt and feel safe.  _But why are you here?_ "Shua?" he sat up at the voice, looking at the window and there he was, trying to pry the screen open. 

Jisoo sat up from his bed more, and manuevered closer to the window, the tears continuing to fall and sniffled as his fingers tried to pry it open, hearing Jeonghan's guidance to open it. Pain was shooting up his hands, blood brushing against the window sill. He ignored Jeonghan's worried gaze watching him do it, watch the blood smear against. Suddenly, he heard his parents' voice grow louder and then a frame was thrown causing a broken wail to escape his mouth, curling up immediately, fearing as if it was going to be thrown at him, even though they were a level below him and no one was near him.

"Jisoo, I'm here. Come on, you can do this. Open it." he said softly, fingers pressing against the screen.

Again, Jisoo worked on it, and before the screen fell, he grabbed onto it before it hit Jeonghan, before it fell out and made a loud noise. He dragged it inside, and pathetically threw it on the ground as Jeonghan climbed in. Immediately, he was in his embrace. Usually, he hated warmth from other people. It scared him, it made him scared that it was going to leave him. He faced the other, meeting his worried gaze, before burying his face into his chest, hands trembling as it rested against his back.

"Fuck, I was so worried. You weren't out there when I was done. I didn't mean to take long.. I just.. Ran into other mishaps and believe me, I was trying to leave, end it, but they were persistent. You didn't answer your phone or anything. Are you okay? Wait, why am I asking? Of course you're not." his hands were suddenly in Jeonghan's. "You're bleeding too, you're not okay, here, I'll patch you up." Jeonghan made a move to get up, but Jisoo held him tighter.

"Don't go," he whispered, tone laced in sadness.

"Shua, I need to tend to your-"

" _Please._ "

"I'll be back," Jeonghan said reassuringly, getting off the bed and walking to the bathroom to get the first aid. Once he came back, he sat Jisoo up, and opened the kit, bringing his hand out as he grabbed the tweezers to take the shards out. It was silent between them, despite the loud yelling that was heard below. Jisoo was worried about that, now he knew about Jisoo's life, aside from his current condition, but that was already evident enough. Suddenly, the antispetic spray was felt against his palms and he only sobbed brokenly, out of surprise and because of the yelling that grew. Leaning in, he rested his forehead against the crook of his neck as his hand was cleaned up and patch up slowly, "Shua, you're burning up," he said worriedly, continuing to wrap his hand.

"Don't leave," was all he could say, starting to lull himself to sleep. 

It was silent before he responded, "I won't."

Jisoo couldn't tell if it was a lie or not.


	9. IX

Jisoo was dead.

Not literally, but emotionally, but he was indeed dead Now that his father was back home, his house was loud and relentless. His once peaceful humble abode was now filled a distressing, depressing atmosphere that never failed to be filled with his parents bickering and complaints. Not like he wasn't used to it - it's just something he didn't miss. Though, he began to see his father in a new glow. After that night, he seemed to take it easy on him, talking to him whenever his mother was out, encouraging him to leave anytime he wanted to, but the fear of his mother and parents arguing tied him down, so he rejected each time. Whenever they fought, he tended to avoid being in their view, so he never leaves his room. But that was hard because he's been  _missing_ school. The wounds on his hands were almost healed, rough scabs scattering along his once soft palms. When he woke up the next morning, Jeonghan was already gone, out of his embrace - out of life. Jisoo grew sickly tired and tended to himself as much as he could, whenever his mother was gone or they were both gone. His father would sometimes come in to yell at him, burning his frustration off from his mother but it was more lighter, so he was used to it. But as for his mother, she was consistently yelling at him. Nitpicking his behavior and everything, every safety rope he had on her dissipated. He couldn't say, 'Oh please, mother, that hurts' unless he wanted to get hurt. Something to bring him back to reality, a harsh reality. This wasn't his, but it ended up being his. His phone, that was long dead for a week, was finally quiet. The buzzing finally subsided as he was left in his silent room. His phone charger was meters away from him but he didn't want to grab it. He didn't wanna go back. He didn't want to seem like the freak that ruins everyone's lives or just the nuisance there.

 _Yeah, that's right. No one really wants someone like me around. I can barely talk, I was told to stop talking, right? My voice is disgusting. I'm so needy, so dependent on others. A burden, a nuisance. They're all staying because I need the 'help', right? So they don't feel guilty for leaving behind someone that.. was broken. I need the extra love, the extra attention, the extra - encouragement, the extra help by others who are forced to help me._ His thoughts diminished as he heard yelling from down below once again, causing him to curl up in a fetal position to block it away.  _They could have been loving parents, loving another child if I wasn't born, if I wasn't like this. Me trying my best in life to just gain some form of approval from them, to be a normal kid. I don't know who I am, what I am, what I'm doing. I always ask myself if it's okay to be here, but I say no, others say yes, but is that really true? Gone.. If i was gone.._

Turning on his back, he sighed deeply, closing his eyes for a moment. Sitting up slowly, he leaned over to his bedside table, his eyes landing on the scares that scattered along his forearms and stopped immediately. Innocent doe eyes boring into them ugly scars, as if they were lulling him back into a hypnosis that kept him captive forever; a negative one that was.  _Imagine, local teen, male, found dead in bed._ _S_ haking his head, he sucked in a breath and opened the drawer, nimble fingers reaching inside until he felt the cool touch of his raor. Holding it above his wrist, a few centimeters, he thought.  _If I cut deep enough, enough blood will pour out and eventually, it'll take me away, drown me away in the infavorable crimson I loathe._ Just before he did it, he stopped, eyes blown up in fear.  _NO, no, no..! I can't.. I can't anymore. I'm scared. I'm scared. I'm scared. Someone help me, please. Please, please, please._ For the first time in his life, Jisoo admitted that he was scared of death, that he didn't want to go.  _If I go, I'll be a bigger burden and I can't. I'm scared, I'm scared I won't see them anymore. I'm scared I won't see him anymore. Bright smile, reassuring soft features.. Whisful thinking was bitter but it was there._

Staring back at the razor blade, his reflection was barely there, glaring back at him. Disappointed. His hands were visibly shaking, the razor still above his wrists as he began to lose his grasp on his broken reality. _Please, please, please.. No more, no more pain.. Please take it away, away from me - I want to be normal. I want to be happy. I don't want this anymore.. I can't have this anymore._ His razor drew closer to his pale, frail wrist,  _Was I always this weak? Can I not resist this anymore?_ Just before the razor sliced into his thinly skinned wrist, he heard a noise, something hitting his window. Confused, and before anything could happen, he threw the blade across the room. He looked at the window, seeing something fly up, hitting against it and fall back down. That pattern continued. He crawled over and peered down, met by Jeonghan's worried gaze, that was now filled with relief.

The older male immediately smiled and waved his arms, then gestured for him to come down. Jisoo bit his lip, and shook his head, indicating that he couldn't. Jeonghan tilted his head, looking at him confused, before making a sliding motion to open his window. Jisoo glanced at the door for a moment and unlcoked the window, sliding it open, his window screen that was placed back on, restricting him from peeking his head out but could still hear Jeonghan.

"Hey, Juliet," he teased lightly, seeing a red hue appear on Jisoo's face missing it entirely, "Shua, I've been so worried. You haven't been at school, haven't been picking up your phone.. Hansol, Seungkwan, Minghao, and Jun.. They're so worried.. Every time they came here, your mother would say you're fine and force them to leave. I.. I told them what happened last week and they're even more worried, I'm sorry, I shouldn't have pried in but.. Are you okay?" 

"I.." he trailed off before whispering, "They came? Mom never told me, she.." he furrowed his eyebrows, "I.. I'm okay. Just tired." he lied.

"Don't lie to me, Jisoo, I know you're not. Look at you. Can you come down here?" 

"I can't," Jisoo answered immediately, glancing at the door, "They're downstairs, I'm.. Screwed if I go down there, while she's home." he answered truthfully.

Jeonghan frowned, silence engulfing the two before he spoke, "Not even if you tell them its for the project? We've only finished a couple of them, before this whole ordeal was halted. We have a bunch of places to go to. Our grades depend on it, remember?"

"She won't care," he spoke in a hushed tone, "Like I told you, my mom didn't want me to go in the first place, do you think she'll let me out after I've been lying to her?"

Jeonghan's eyes were focused on him, "The window screen is back on."

"Mom forced dad to put it back on there."

"Do you remember how I told you to open it?"

".. Yes."

"Can you do it for me again?"

Jisoo hesitated, looking at the corner of the screen, knowing full well he could push it out with his fingers because of how flimsy it was.  _Do I really wanna go against them? ... Yes._ With his index finger and middle finger, he wiggled them into the corner of it and pushed it out, a loud noise erupting from it, causing him to tense and look at the door, realizing no one said anything. His other hand supported him, resting on the window sill before letting his other hand follow the trail to the top of the window screen, the screen thudding against the window sill, causing him to tense.

"Jisoo, are you okay? Did you fall?" his mother's hoarse voice rang.

"I-I'm okay.." leaning down, he grabbe the flimsy screen and brought it back into his room, hiding it underneath his bed, that's when he heard the knob of his door trying to open.

"The door is locked, open it." she demanded.

His scared gaze was settled on Joenghan, watching as the elder quickly gestured him to get on the roof. Obliging, his shaky feet made it to the roof and he was out of his room.

"Jisoo!" he heard his mother call out.

"J-Jeonghan..!" he called out shakily, nearing the edge of the roof, staring down at him from below.

"Jump, Jisoo, I'll catch you!"

"B-But..!"

Something slammed against his door, causing him to almost lose his balance. "No but's!" Jeonghan raised his hands, scared if he loses his balance, "Do you trust me?"

_Yes._

And so he jummped.

He braced himself for the fall that never came. His eyes were once screwed shut were now opened, meeting Jeonghan's relieved, caring gaze. Immediately, the younger of the two was coverd in a surprise of small, worried kisses, shocking him entirely. Instead of moving away, he stayed still, insisting that he shoulder press closer to the older male, arms wrapped around his neck.  _I missed you, I missed you, I missed you._ H _e wanted_ to chant that, craved the skinship, missed the kisses. From above, the door was opened and his mother stuck her head out, "Jisoo!" she was obviously angry, causing Jisoo to gulp.

"Sorry, ma'am, but I'm gonna have to borrow your son for a few days!" Jeonghan called out, setting him down, waving up at her, "Don't worry, I'll keep him safe!" with that, he ushered Jisoo towards his car and into his passenger seat, in turn, he got into the driver's seat, ignoring his mother's words as he sped off, Jeonghan laughing in delight. Jisoo couldn't help but smile.

Minutes passed before Jisoo spoke up, "Where.. Are we going?"

"Hey, Shua?" Jeonghan said, ignoring his question, "Where do you dream of going?"

".. Anywhere with you." he admitted shyly, looking outside as Jeonghan grinned triumphantly. 

"Well, I guess today is your lucky day," he stepped on the gas, merging onto the freeway, "We're gonna be gone for a couple of days. How does exploring Daegu sound?"

"D-Daegu?" Jisoo asked, surprised, "But a couple of days? We still have school!"

"That never stopped you, Mr. Perfect-Attendence." Jeonghan snorted, causing Jisoo to huff, "Already got excused from our teacher and the school, especially because it's a project. But the catch is I have to catch you up on all that you missed, " he leaned over, flicking his forehead, "And lucky for you, I'm a great tutor. If you can handle my ruthlessness, we'll be fine. So, call me Tutor Yoon!" he saluted.

Jisoo rubbed his forehead, glaring and then sighing heavily, "If we must.. Tutor Yoon."

\---

Jisoo looked around in astonishment of their hotel room. It was large and spacious, luxurious even. Jisoo couldn't fathom how the other even afforded this, and since it was a trip, money was gonna be used. A lot of it. Then realization dawned upon him, "Han.." he trailed off, looking at him, "I don't have clothes." his eyebrows scrunching up in an adorable manner as the elder ruffled his hair.

"I did bring a fair share of my clothes so we can share that, but other than that, shopping it is. I'll pay."

"Eh? But you don't need to, I'll feel bad."

"I insist." he hummed, one arm wrapped around Jisoo's waist, pressing him closer to his body, eyes glinting with mischief as his lips curved into a smirk, "Shua, don't argue with me, or I'll kiss you." his heart pounded against his chest at his words, letting it process, before turning into a stuttering mess, unable to form a coherent sentence as he hid his face away from him, "Priceless!" after his laughter died down and Jisoo was relaxed, he spoke again, "Considering you don't have your wallet, you can't pay. Besides, all on me, so sit back and relax, Jisoo,:

"But!"

"What did I say about arguing with me?" he leaned down, the gap between them growing smaller, and Jisoo swore his heart couldn't handle it. He stayed silent and Jeonghan decided to play around a bit longer, "Cat got your tongue?" he hummed, "Repeat what I said."

".. K-Kiss." he stammered out, eyes blown up wide, innocently boring into him as Jeonghan felt a bit guilty for teasing him too much.

"Oh, you're asking for a kiss?" Jeonghan asked, feigning innocence as Jisoo let out a squeak. A kiss was pressed against his cheek, and then the corner of his lips, and then almost towards his lips - until room service knocked on the door.

Jeonghan, irritated, went to answer the door.

Jisoo, on the other hand, faceplanted on the bed, hiding his embarrassment.

 _I'm not going to survive this trip._ he declared.  _Not at all._


	10. X

On the first day of their stay, Jeonghan dragged Jisoo out with the polaroid, wallet in hand, and they were off exploring Daegu. Jeonghan had their fingers laced together, guiding him through the streets, almost excitedly. A bright smile on his face and Jisoo would never forgive himself if he ever let that smile go away. Though, every store they visited, even though the younger of the two protested, Jeonghan ended up buying him clothes, ignoring the price entirely. That made him feel bad but at one point, he questioned how much money he had, which was shot down and a story brewed instead. Considering child care, the money received from his real father was halfed and went to Jeonghan and since he never bought things unless deemed necessary, he had a lot in account as it was, then his stepfather was at a high position, so they gave him money for this trip, but to use it wisely, and Jisoo was someone he wanted to spoil. So, he begrudgingly accepted the clothing. Later that night, Jisoo was exhausted and collapsed onto the bed and realization dawned upon him that there was one bed, and one bed meant sharing, or one person gets the couch, the other gets the bed. The two bickered about who got the couch but then Jisoo cut him off and said they'll share the bed. An amusing large gap was between them as Jisoo covered himself with the soft, fluffy hotel blanket, on his back, while Jeonghan was leaning against the headboard, his phone in his hand as he boredly scrolled through his SNS. Jisoo fell asleep moments later, but when morning rolled in, Jisoo was a flustered mess. Having woken up with the upper half of his body on Jeonghan, his head buried in the elder's chest. One arm was securely wrapped around him to keep close. Jisoo swore his heart skipped a beat, and he didn't know how function. He couldn't think striaght, nor did he understand what he was feeling. He was in denial and preferred to stay in denial.

On the second day, Jeonghan and Jisoo reflected on yesterday's adventures; looking through the polaroids and the photos that were the most memorable. His favorite one was the selfie of them both, laughing at something Jeonghan said beforehand, but the photo turned out great, even though Jisoo felt embarrassed. They were figuring out what to write for them and they went through a list of locations to visit and picked a market place. But before that, Jisoo had a date with Tutor Yoon. Jeonghan wasn't lying when he said he was the best tutor, and he was suddenly grateful. Though during it, the eldest crept up behind him, wrapped his arms around him, his legs spread, either side of Jisoo's, hugging him to his chest. Jisoo coughed awkwardly at the gesture, blushing profusely at the sudden contact. Once the whole ordeal was over, they set off to their unknown adventure, as Jeonghan stated with a smile. Safe to say, he woke up in the same position with Jeonghan like the previous morning.

Today was their third day, which meant tomorrow was their last day before they head home. Jisoo was scared. Four days of bliss, only to return to his isolated home. He wouldn't be surprised if there was a missing person report from his mother, but was quickly taken down by his father. It was the same thing today, picking out the photos that held the most memorable moments. Sitting cross legged on the bed, Jeonghan was in front of him, legs stretched out, his right over his left, one hand supporting him on the bed, as the other reached out to look at the photo. Jisoo hesitated, letting his nimble fingers brush against the small polaroid photos, a smile managing to make its way onto his face as he recalled the events. The photo he held was a picture of Jeonghan leaning against one of the bridge railings, a body of water behind him, but the elder cringed away once a bird was next to him, so he stood there awkwardly, not trying to show that he indeed, was scared of it. The photo in his other hand was a photo of himself at the zoo where a bird was perched on top of his head. He kept those two out, giving it as a suggestion to Jeonghan and grabbed a photo someone took of them. Jeonghan had one arm wrapped around the younger's waist, puling him closer, as Jisoo, on the other hand, was in his own world, admiring the body of water ahead of them, Jeonghan looking at him fondly. 

Jisoo felt incredibly shy as his eyes settled on that photo, and squeaked once it was taken from him. Jeonghan, now was looking at it, hummed, pleased, "I want to keep this for myself," he declared, putting it in the back of his clear phone case so it showed before Jisoo could protest. He then slid the younger a different photo of them where Jisoo was forced onto Jeonghan's back for this photo since they couldn't figure out a pose. And as much as Jeonghan wanted to be on Jisoo's back, they settled for this before the timer could go off. They nodded in approval at the photo choices and slipped it in the pile that had been kept stabe by a rubber band. Jeonghan fell back onto his bed, stretching his long body, "Shua?" Jisoo looked at him expectantly, and noticed the evil grin on his face, gulping immediately at the sight.

".. What is it, Jeonghan?"

The elder rolled onto his stomach, near Jisoo, not caring that the polaroid photos underneath him as one hand was placed on Jisoo's thigh, humming, "Let's do something fun." 

"Are these not fun?"

"No, I mean," Jeonghan paused, sitting up, leaning against Jisoo for a moment, "Let's fix you up, fix us up."

"Fix me up..? Fix us up..?" he whispered, confused.

"Change your appearance!" Jeonghan chirped, sitting up straight against as he rufled his long fingers through his dark brown hair, "We can style this, cut it a bit, and oh!" his eyes gleamed with mischief, "How does a brighter color sound, huh?" he continued threading his fingers through his hair, admiring the soft tresses, his head tilt to the side, a bit of tongue sticking out from the corner of his mouth, "It'd be a nice contrast, you'd look great!"

Jisoo's eyes widened, "I can't dye my hair, my parents would kill me!"

"Rebelling every once in a while doesn't hurt, Shua," Jeonghan cooed, rubbing their noses togehter, "So, is that a yes?"

"Like I didn't just run away from home." a rosy shade of pink was evident on his cheeks as he shrugged loosely, "I guess.."

"That's the spirit!" he cheered, "Mmm.. We can do a blond? You'd be able to do that. Oh, a rose color!" he beamed, whereas Jisoo shook his head.

"That'd look weird!"

"You'd look cute," he complimented immediately, leaving the younger stunned, before huffing, "Okay, fine, how about a.." Jeonghant trailed off before getting off the bed, yanking Jisoo up with him, "Let's figure out at the salon at the mall!"

"Wait, my shoes!" Jeonghan slid his on impaitiently and was still dragging Jisoo out of the hotel room, while he struggled but hurriedly put on his shoes, following him out, fingers laced together once more.

\---

The two were in the waiting chairs, Jeonghan obviously excited about the new Jisoo he would see. Jeonghan had this all planned out since day one. While the youngest was scared, the elder turned to face him, looking at him seriously. Jisoo looked back at him hesitantly, his head tilt in confusion. He saw the other's hand raise  and tuck his hair back behind his ear to reveal it. His finger ran along the cartilage of it before another evil grin appeared. Jisoo gulped once more at the feeling, refraining from shivering as his mouth fell open, forming a small 'o' of fascination at Jeonghan. Just him in general. The little touches he received from the elder, drove him crazy and always burned, it scared him.

"A piercing," Jeonghan suddenly clarified, causing Jisoo to tense up.

"Doesn't it hurt?" 

"Nope! Not at all! Well, it shouldn't. Actually, I used to have my ears pierced, but they closed up once I forgot to put earrings in. So, I'll go with and get them pierced again. I'll be there with you, Shua." he reassured, cupping his cheeks, nodding, getting Jisoo to nod along with him. 

Jisoo was lost in the male's delicate features, busy admiring them. His thooughts were silenced for that mere moment, not so stressed as he was moments before, but it was covered all over his face again once he heard his name being called. Jisoo looked at him, scared. He didn't trust anyone else,  _but_ Jeonghan right now. The other squished his cheeks together, smiling cheekily, standing up and grabbing his hand, guiding him over to one of the chairs. He watched as Jeonghan mumbled something into the worker's ear, and they both agreed on the terms of what they were gonna do and stopped talking with a satisfied smile. 

"Are you gonna do something?"

Jeonghan shrugged, running his fingers through his hair that came just passed the midway of his neck, "Maybe a haircut or something," he mused, stating it aloud jokingly, but the next thing made Jisoo laugh as another free worker dragged Jeonghan off to one of the chairs, on a whole different side of the room.

Jisoo took this time away from Jeonghan to think. He noticed even before the trip, the small touches and reassurances from the elder; then again, he was naturally touchy, everyone knew that. The way he teased  about kissing him, or always kept him close.  _But doesn't he have a girlfriend? The girl in the hallway with him.. Probably the reason why they never could do their project that night. What are we? Wait, we're nothing. I shouldn't get ahead of myself. He can't have a relationship other than friends with someone like me. A burden, a no one. Someone much more opposite than him. Don't get your hopes up, it's not worth it._ The sound of the scissors clipping, razor buzzing, and the small talk was muffled by his ear.  _I shouldn't be too close to him, wouldn't want his girlfriend breaking up with him._  

Once his hair was cut, the bleach and dye was already prepared and going into hair. His head thudded against his chest as he had to wait for the unknown. He wasn't allowed to look in the mirror and it was easier on him once he was turned away. Through the plants on the desk, he saw Jeonghan through the gaps of the leaves, watching as he smiled happily and talked with the worker as his hair was being cut. He saw as the razor buzzed from the back of his neck and then up, removing the hair, and giving him an undercut, making him much more attractive. Before he could admire the male more, he was turned away.

Another hour passed before the tin foil was removed from his hair and he was moved into the wash room to rinse out is hair. Jisoo closed his eyes, enjoying the feeling. With a sigh, he didn't mind being pampered like this, he actually enjoyed it. Once it was over, it was a little disappointing but then he was guided back to his seat and the they blew dry his hair. He noticed Jeonghan was gone and furrowed his eyebrows. He saw the amount of gel on the desk and sighed.  _I won't be able to do this frequently._ Jisoo had to sit yet through another round of styling. When it was over, he gasped as he finally met the mirror. It was a nice, delicate ashy pink orange, the remnants of his brown strands barely visible. His hair was up, revealing his forehead. His hair was pretty lightened up. He did have to admit, it looked nice. He thanked the worker and got up from his seat, looking for Jeonghan, "Looking for your friend? He already paid, he's outside though, went to go check on something." Jisoo nodded and quickly left the salon, looking around. 

He wandered around outside teh salon, seeming like a lost puppy. He was about to give up and sit on an empty bench, until he felt two arms wrap around him and pull him into a hug. Letting out a surprised noise, he looked at him and saw Jeonghan, his breath hitching. The male's hair was now middle parted, the undercut prominent but his hair was dyed a bleach blond that complimented his pale complexion. He was an  _angel_ , he had to be. "J-Jeonghan?" he choked out, taken back.

"Wow, do I look ugly or something?" he joked, admiring Jisoo's new look, "Lookin' nice. You could say I'm quite a pro at this." he mused, cupping Jisoo's cheeks and rubbing their noses together, "I found a tattoo and piercer salon, let's go get those piercings!" 

Jisoo, still dazed, was dragged by Jeonghan once more through the busy crowd in the mall. He admired Jeonghan from the back, the sunlight that shined down at the mall above made him look  _heavenly._ He was a little envious about how beautiful he looked, how handsome he was naturally. Jisoo didn't have a single lovely trait about him. Surprisingly they made it to the place quickly, noticing how shady it was, but he didn't say anthing. He heard Jeonghan mumble someone to the lady and then was lead down into one of the rooms to maintain 'privacy'. Jeonghan was seated on the chair excitedly, stating how he wanted two for his lobes while Jisoo wanted three.

The younger gaped.  _Three? What do you mean?_ So, Jeonghan took the initiative to explain, "Both lobes and left ear cartilage," he beamed. 

Jisoo, who was stressed, sighed but agreed anyway. 

As he went first, the elder didn't even flinch at the piercing gun as one ear was finished, but just for jokes, he winced playfully, causing Jisoo to look at him worriedly, that was, until he stuck out his tongue to mock him. He glared, of course. After he saw how red his ears were but he was smiling as he patted Jisoo's back, "Your turn!"

As he sat on the chair, near the piercer, eying them shyly before mumbling, "You're the worst, Hannie," he paused, "Did it hurt?"

Jeonghan enjoyed the nickname but shook his head, "You just feel  _really_ hot after."

Jisoo took a deep breath and the piercing gun finished one lobe already. He winced at first but when t came to his second lobe, his ear was pierced at the count of two, shocking him. For some reason, it hurt him. He mentally groaned, expecting the worst for the cartilage. He was able to pick where it would be placed and then the gun was placed near it with a new earring. On the count of three, it was in. It didn't hurt like the lobe, but did feel  _incredibly_ hot. They were both given information on how to clean it and when they could change their piercing. Jeonghan went to go pick out other earrings, especially for Jisoo. He stood behind him, his head tilt. Jeonghan noticed and pulled him in front of him, in front of the mirror. Jisoo looked at the mirror immediately once the elder placed the new earrings over his cartilage piercing to see what it looked like. Thus, they agreed on the cross. "We'll change it up in two months." it sounded like Jeonghan was gonna continue the sentence but his face dropped, coughing abruptly. That's when his expression was void of any emotions.

"Jeonghan, are you okay? Are you sick?"

Once he was recovered, he shook his head, "I'm okay, just choked on my spit, haha." he laughed it off and went to go pay for everything, much to his dismay. He swore he would pay him back. They left the shop, Jeonghan obviously happy with the outcome as he took a photo of them on his phone. Standing in front of the sign, Jeonghan looked around for someone to take their polaroid picture. "Jeonghan, what are we?" he asked, as he handed off the camera towards someone, and Jisoo was tightly pulled into his embrace.

"What do you mean?" the elder questioned, laughing once more as a photo was taken, "One more!" he called out.

He covered his mouth and shook his head, "Sorry, didn't mean to ask that."

"But, I'm curious now, Shua."

"It's just you treat me so kindly, like.. we're dating." he mumbled shyly, "Sorry, it just confused me."

Jeonghan pressed his lips against his temple, murmuring against it, "Whatever you want us to be."

Tentatively, Jisoo whispred, looking at him scared, "Yours and mine..?"

"I like the sound of that," Jeonghan stated softly, " _Yours and mine._ "

And a photo of them kissing was snapped.


	11. XI

_After their small declaration of love, Jisoo was smiling lightly the whole time and so was Jeonghan was the camera was returned, the photos along with it. Jeonghan ran his fingers gently through his hair for a moment, trailing his index finger down his jaw and to his neck before wrapping his arms around him, pulling him closer. "You looked so scared to ask," he murmured._

_"Well, I mean, I was.." he protested weakly, burying his face into his neck, fingers grasping onto the soft cotton of his shirt. "I just.. I don't know. I thought you had a girlfriend and no one would ever be interested and.." he was cut off by the elder who pulled away and looked at him, confused._

_"Girlfriend? Hah, who could that be? And, if you keep bad mouthing yourself, I'm gonna have to kiss you again." Embarrassed, he pursed his lips for a moment, causing Jeonghan to snicker, bumping their foreheads together, "But who's the girlfriend? Where did that come from?"_

_"The girl in the hallway that day.. I don't know, maybe the one who held you back so we couldn't do the project..? Or was Seungcheol keeping you busy that day, I don't know."_

_".. Ah, that one. No, she has no relation towards me at all. Nada. Zilch. None. I'd rather die." he muttered, "She's nothing to me. My.. Dad thought it was a good idea, as an apology, to hook me up with one of his coworker's daughter last year. I tried it out for mom's sake and long story short, worst decison of my life. I will never do that again. But it's kind of shit that she goes to our school so I have to think of my shortcuts carefully. But, she was on a business trip with her dad and then came back just that day. I don't know, but I broke up with her a while back, but she's kind of in denial."_

_"Oh," Jisoo blinked, causing Jeonghan to raise one eyebrow._

_"Just oh?"_

_"I don't know what else to say..?"_

_"How 'bout.." he licked his lips, leaning in to peck Jisoo's soft ones, "Mmm.. You promise you won't leave me, right?"_

_He looked serious. Jisoo noticed that. He looked very serious and he was suddenly wary about his response as his eyes settled on his sullen eyes. Wrapping his arms around his neck, he stood up on his tippy toes just slightly, even though Jeonghan wasn't that much taller, and yet, he leaned in to kiss him, molding their lips together. "I promise I won't leave you, Yoon Jeonghan."_

_\---_

"Aaah, Shua's face is so red," Jeonghan gushed, looking at the polaroid happily, "So red, so red, so red," he chanted, flashing the younger a wide grin, "Still red!" he pointed out, letting his finger brush against his soft cheeks, causing Jisoo to groan.

Jisoo glared at him the whole time, though the blush that managed to creep up onto his cheeks didn't help his angered expression, or attitude he had going on. He sat there idly as the other continued to poke fun and  _literally_ poke him as well. A huff was heard from him as both cheeks were pinched by te elder, his arms crossed as he started at Jeonghan expectantly. After the events of yesterday, the two decided to laze around in the hotel room for their last day and would head back home early in the morning. As soon as Jisoo awoke, it was filled with sweet-nothings  _until_ Jeonghan had his sneaky little hands on the polaroid they took yesterday.

"Is Shua made at me?" the elder snickered, cupping his cheeks now, rubbing their noses together for the nth time this morning, "I couldn't help it - you really are cute."

"I'm not," he protested weakly, once his cheeks were squished together. 

His lips were puckered out, and that gave Jeonghan the opportunity to lean in and peck his lips, whereas the other tried to move away so he doesn't die from embarrassment. Jisoo's squeaks were muffled within the kiss, eyes wide open and cheeks forever remaining the vermillion shade. Jeonghan immediately burst out with laughter at his face. The latter 'growled' at the older man, staring at him in annoyance as he pawed at the other's wrists, and shoved at them both so he was free from his grasp. Immediately, he crawled back under the covers, forming a burrito with the blanket, leaving Jeonghan without any.

"Jisoo!" he whined out, crawling towards the bundled figure, not after putting the polaroid down on the dresser.

Immediately, he wrapped his arms and legs around the bundled up figure, clinging onto him like a koala. His face nuzzling obnoxiously into the.. nape of his neck? Jeonghan couldn't tell. A groan was heard from the bundle, and felt it shift away, causing Jeonghan to smile in triumph. Again, he nuzzled his... back? He felt the other arch away from his touch, and a hand shot out, whacking the other's mussed up hair from the nuzzling. Surprisingly, he caught his wrist after tnad tugged the other to lay on his back. Jisoo tried to wiggle his arm free once he was on his back and huffed once the elder straddled his waist, keeping him in place. Though, he let go of his wrist and Jisoo hid back in the blankets, so the elder couldn't open it, but, he was sweating under the thick blankets.

"Jisoo," Jeonghan began, trying to pry the blankets away, remaining on top of him, "I wanna see your cute face," he complained, exasperated.

"It's not cute!" he protested, muffled.

"You're right," he paused, making Jisoo tentatively peek out from the hole he made with the blanket, whereas Jeonghan noticed and leaned down, "You're not cute, you're  _very_ cute." he enthused, before prying the blanket open, revealing Jisoo's sweaty, slightly flushed body. Jeonghan, on impulse, licked his lips, and refrained himself as he grinned instead, down at the pouting Jisoo. The younger made a move to grab the blanket again but Jeonghan grabbed his hands, twining their fingers together, pinning them gently down on the bed, "Are you done fighting me?"

His hips arched off the bed, head pressing against the pillow as he tried to wiggle away, "Not until you  _stop_ teasing me!"

"Oh, babe, that's like second nature to me." his voice dropped a few octaves, causing Jisoo to quiet.

He gulped, lips parted soon after as he squeezed his hand, looking away, embarrassed, "Whatever."

He felt Jeonghan lean down again but he turned his head to the right. He felt his forehead pressed against the side of his head, placing an innocent kiss on his ear, gently on his cartilage piercing, knowing that Jisoo was complaining about it when he woke up. The latter let out a soft noise of approval, feeling another kiss pressed against his other piercing. He unconsciously turned his head to the right, placing one last kiss against the last piercing. "Are you happy now?" Jeonghan asked once more as the other sighed contentedly. 

"No," Jisoo huffed, trying not to melt into his touch. 

He was forced to look at him, almost falling into a trance at the lovely amber hues he owned. He felt cold in one of his hands as Jeonghan let it go, but his warm hand was now pressed against his cheek as the elder kissed his forehead, "Now, are you?" Jisoo shook his head, licking his lips slightly before he closed his eyes, feeling another kiss on his nose, "Now?" again, he shook his head, feeling two on his cheeks, his free hand clutching on the front of Jeonghan's shirt. Then, another was placed on the corner of his lips, "Is that enough to make you happy?" He shook his head once more, a little bit more desperately, a chuckle heard from above, "Alright, alright." lips were placed against his own, Jisoo immediately responding, kissing him back. His free hand moved up slowly, brushing the pads of his fingers against the other's exposed neck, feeling a soft shiver from him. His fingers slipped into his newly dyed hair, clutching on it loosely as he tilted his head to the side, lips parting, as the kiss deepened. Jisoo let out a pleased hum as the hand that kept his cheek warm, moved down, resting on his lips, his thumb rubbing soothing circles on the exposed skin, feeling his tongue enter his mouth. But that was until a loud knock interrupted them once more. 

Jeonghan huffed, pulling away as he glanced at the door. Jisoo followed his gaze, his head tilt in confusion. The elder rolled off of him and headed towards the door. The younger kicked the blanket's confinements off, sighing happily as he felt at ease once the cool air rushed in and clung onto his heated body. Lazily, he turned his head to look at the side, watching as Jeonghan shoved something into his pocket, a forced smile on his lips but now leaned outside of the doorway, grabbing a tray of breakfast food from room service. Once the door was shut, Jeonghan grumled, "It took long but came at a bad time, ugh."

Jisoo just grinned cheekily as he sat up, criss crossed. The elder also sat on the bed, in front of Jisoo, the tray in front of them. Jeonghan took the initiative to set it up for them both. During breakfast, the two chatted, Jeonghan noticing that Jisoo became more open and was fairly content with the process. He was.. Proud of him. He admired the younger, and wanted him to know that. Jisoo began to show another side of him; one that looked much better on him, especially that smile of his that radiated so brightly, that Jeonghan thought it was contagious. It was better than his quiet and sad one he was always greeted with. The timid and scared one that would often make Jeonghan feel bad if he ever did anything that wronged him on accidently. 

Thinking about it now, the irony of their meeting. It was something, but surprisingly, it progressed wonderfully. Jeonghan really was trying, and lately, he's been feeling the happiness his older sister used to give him, and he was glad Jisoo was providing him with that happiness. Even though his words from yesterday, that selfish promise he made him make, he supposed it was because he was scared he'd lose Jisoo too. Like before, he never wanted to get close to anyone anymore, but Jisoo ended up being an exception. Just looking at him, he noticed teh new aura that surrounded him, even if he remained quiet. He seemed more.. Approachable, especially whenever his soft crescents of eyes would appear that Jeonghan  _adored_ wholeheartedly, or whenever he would scrunch up his nose randomly when he was deep in thought or reading something on his phone or school work. Then, the way his mouth fall open if he was confused. Jeonghan was an observer, just like Jisoo, but no one would ever believe him. 

"Shua," he got the other's attention in the midst of swallowing a bite of his pancake. Leaning over, he beckoned the other to open his mouth, once he did, he gestured for him to take a bite of the strawberry that was now held out in front of him, which Jisoo did, and noticed how the other's eyes immediately lit up, causing Jeonghan's heart to flutter. 

"It's sweet!" Jisoo hummed, covering his mouth as he chewed, the lit up eye smile remaining as his mood improved, laughing softly, "I like it a lot!"

Again, Jeonghan leaned in, feeding Jisoo the rest of the strawberry so he could keep the image inscribed in his head. 

After breakfast, Jisoo took the initiative to get up with the tray and place it on the table in the room so it wouldn't be knocked over. Once he turned around, he saw his  _boyfriend_ laying down lazily, one of his arms resting underneath his head, his free hand turning on the TV through the remote, switching through the channels. Jisoo looked at him amused as he maneuvered back into the bed, crawling back, then crawling over to Jeonghan after. He sat there shyly for a moment, watching as the elder's eyes flickered between both him and teh TV once he found a channel; watching as he turned slightly more on his back, he beckoned the other to come closer. Hesitating, Jisoo took the offer, shifting closer. Jeonghan rose one eyebrow at his sudden shyness, scooting forward, putting the remote down besides him, wrapping his arms around his waist and tugging him down. Jisoo laid besides him now, facing him for a moment as he admired features. 

"What? Something on my face?" Jeonghan murmured, his eyes never leaving the TV screen.

Jisoo leaned up, both his hands slicking back Jeonghan's hair, "I like it like that." on impulse, he pecked his lips and shifted onto his other side quickly, facing the TV.

Jeonghan, stunned, laughed it off, placing a kiss on the crown of his head before taking out his phone from his back pocket, glancing at the notifications, getting updated through his SNS before placing his phone besides them, near the remote. Leaning over, he grabbed the messed up blanket, thanks to Jisoo, and covered them both. One elbow was propped up on the pillow, letting his head lean against his palm, as he focused back onto the TV, his free hand moving up Jisoo's shirt, feeling the other tense for a moment, then relax before soothingly rubbing his side up and down, humming for a moment. 

Both boys would fall in and out of sleep, whether it was at the same time or different times, but often, they took turns admiring the wonderful physiognomy they've grown to love over time, their body, their existence. Jisoo, after the first time he fell asleep, turned onto his otehr side again, facing Jeonghan, where he fell asleep for the second time. Though, Jeonghan took the opportunity to sneak pictures of Jisoo, and when Jeonghan fell asleep, Jisoo would grab the polaroid and take pictures of his sleeping figure as a revenge.

It was nearing night time as Jeonghan continued to watch the quite interesting series on TV, Jisoo asleep once more, curled into him. There were empty bags of chips as well as empty bags of cookes that Jeongahn adores, that he recalls Seungcheol getting them for him when he was upset. It was the first time he tried them and as soon as he took a bite, he fell in love, and his mood was lifted immediately. Sweet things weren't his favorite, so it was rare for him to like something like that. Jeonghan tried not wake up his sleeping boyfriend. The only time he did, was for lunch, asking what he wanted and waking him up when he was here. He just wanetd fries. After that, the two took another nap together where Jeonghan woke up a couple of hours later, Jisoo following after, but ended up falling asleep ten minutes after waking up. 

Jeonghan winced slightly as he felt something beginning to irritate his throat; it grew dry, itchy. He tried to suppress the urge to cough. He looked down at the sleeping figure that had his hands on his chest. As the feeling subsided, he relaxed, keeping his focus on the TV for a few moments and then feeling it come back. The elder cleared his throat as he got off the bed carefully, biting back the urge to cough again until he was off the bed. He wedged a pillow in between Jisoo's arms and walked off to the bathroom. He felt lightheaded and groaned softly once the coughing occurred once more, using the sink as a support. His eyes screwed shut but he could feel tears forming. Once it subsided, the familiar iron smell flitted into his senses, the taste strong, bitter in his mouth, brushed against his tongue, causing his taste buds to recoil. In his hands, was the blood that he hated. Running down in watery trails down his hand. His bottom lip trembled, eyes continuing to water as he tried to wash it away underneath the water. Another cough attack had him going as the same crimson substance decorated the porcelain sink, the iron taste growing stronger in his mouth and wafted his senses to haunt him. "No, no," he rasped out, quickly washing any evidence that it was there. He rinsed it out of his mouth until the taste was gone, leaning against the door, exhaling deeply, trying to relax his tense body. The sight of blood continued to flash through his mind, not easing his body or senses at all. Feeling another cough attack coming, he sucked in his breath, and no matter how much it hurt his throat.

As it faded once more, he exhaled. Shakily, he grasped onto the knob of the door and exited the bathroom, but before that, he looked at his pale features. Looking down shamefully, he walked back to the bed, a faint smile appearing on his face at Jisoo's sleeping figure that curled into the pillow. Leaning over, he grabbed his phone, shoving it into his pocket. Grabbing his cap and his earloop mask, he settling the black cap on his head, followed suit at the mask that was looped behind his ear, covering his mouth. Quickly, he left the hotel room, making sure it was secured and locked, venturing out after.

\---

Once Jisoo woke up, he realized it was nearing 9 PM, dead at night.  _Did I really sleep that long after lunch?_ But he swore he woke up at one point, but he could barely remember. Patting the spot besides him, he was greeted by a white fluffy pillow instead, causing him to blink a few times, trying to process everything. Furrowing his eyebrows, he sat up tiredly, running his hand through his bed hair, looking around, "Jeonghan..?" he said aloud, waiting for a response, but only the TV's buzzing greeted him, "Jeonghan..?" he tried once more, to make sure before sighing in defeat as only silence geeted him back. Suddenly the room felt much colder, lonelier, scarier. He was terrified He looked up at the TV and saw the series Jeonghan was watching was still on and then down at his side, his cellphone was gone. He could feel his heart racing but he willed himself to calm down.  _He'll be back, he'll be back._

Hours had passed, Jisoo was getting more upset by the minute. Afte an hour and a half, he felt his hands beginning to tremble along with his body. His breathing started quickening and was cut off by hour two. By hour three, which was now midnight, the TV was off, the sounds it made would cause him to flinch and tense up, leaving him to just bathe in the darkness he feared. His body was curled up in the corner of the room, wrapped up in the blanket, cowearing as the darkness and silence beckoned him into his whirlwind of negativity. His trembling hands clutched onto his hair, wanting it to be a dream. It wasn't.  _I'm always gonna be alone._ It felt like he was back in his room, trapped in by his parents. He wanted to get away again.  _Away, away, away._ His pills, even though he hated them, served as his best friend, taking them until he passed out. He didn't have that or his 'lucky' razor either. He had nothing to reassure him or bring him out of his trance.

Tears formed in his eyes, sniffling quietly. His eyes flickered towards the clock, through the curtains, the moonlight illumnated through the room, letting him see it. It was almost 1 AM. The sound of the clock ticking began to lull him back to sleep, his breathing somehow slowing down once more as tears continued to ffall. By the time Jeonghan came home, he was immediately greeted by the darkness and the silence. The TV wasn't on anymore and there was no light to be found, "Shua?" setting the bag on the table, well, hopefully, he walked over to the bed as he tried to make his way through, patting the bed and came up empty handed. Panicked, he leaned over and turned on the lamp besides their bed, and looked around, "Jisoo?" he called again, squinting his eyes as he made out a figure in the corner, and tentatively walked over. Leaning down, he realized it was Jisoo with his infamous bed hair and teas soaking his cheek. Frowning, he wiped the tears away and wrapped his arms around the younger, picking him up gently, letting the blanket trail behind him. Startled by the feeling, Jisoo woke up quickly, his breathing ragged as he tried his best to get out of Jeonghan's grip, tears forming again, "No, no!" He called out, thrashing around, despite Jeonghan's grip tightening. 

Jeonghan set him back down on the bed, letting go, watching the younger shy away from the light immediately, his back pressed against the headboard, eyes widened in surprise as he looked around the room, the tears continuing to fall as he hiccuped. His trembling hands reached back up and gripped his hair, tightly, causing him to wince but ignored the pain. Jeonghan reached over slowly, prying his hands away gently and Jisoo jumped away in shock, his scared gaze fixated on the elder.

"Jisoo," the elder spoke softly, but firmly.

Jisoo flinched once he spoke, his shaky hands gripping the blanket instead.

Noticing the reaction, he spoke softly, "I'm not gonna hurt you. Nothing is gonna hurt you anymore," slowly and carefully, he extended his arm out, his hand resting on his thigh at first, watching the other's reaction. Realizing that he didn't react, he took his hand off, and placed it on his shoulder, letting it move down his arm reassuringly, and then stopped at his hand, twining their fingers together. Jisoo relaxed under his touch before shifting closer to Jeonghan slowly. Immediately after, he dove into his embrace, face buried in his chest. His sobs were the only thing that Jeonghan heard as he wrapped one of his arms around him protectively, the other rubbing his back slowly and reassuringly, crooning gently. He grabbed the blanket and covered them both again, his back now pressed against the headboard, letting Jisoo bury his face into his chest, his hands clinging onto his hoodie, resting in between his legs.

"Yo.. You left me.. a-alone..!" he cried out, his voice cracking, "H-Hannie.." he trailed off, voice now muffled against the thick fabric, "I-I was so.. so.. scared.." he whimpered out, letting another sob escape, "Don't.. Do..n't ever.. le-leave..! Don't.." he begged, "P-Please.."

"I  _won't._ " he murmured, kissing the crown of his head, "I won't."

"Stupid," Jisoo paused, "Stupid Jeonghan.." he moped, sadness lacing his tone. 

"I didn't think this would happen, you big baby." he teased lightly, before forcing the male to look up at him, kissing the tears away, "I didn't know you'd still have a horrible relapse like this. But then again.." he trailed off, "Healing is a long, hard process, isn't it?"

Hesitantly, Jisoo nodded in agreement.

"It's a tough process," he repeated, sighing softly, "But I'm gonna help you." he held the other's hand, kissing the top of it, "It's only hard if you're alone. We'll both heal together, Shua, okay?"

Jisoo thought for a moment, his heart thrumming against his chest, then nodded, "Okay."

Jeonghan smiled sullenly, yet he was pleased, "I won't leave you, Jisoo. You promised you wouldn't leave me, so I promise I won't ever leave you."

_If only._


	12. XII

_Click._

Awake from his comfortable slumber, Jisoo was wrapped up in the blankets, his heavy eyelids opening at that sound. Rubbing his eyes with one hand, he stifled a yawn, his gaze fixated on the elder, in a confused manner until he saw the polaroid picture develop from the camera. Whining softly, he weakly tried to grab it while Jeonghan moved away with a teasing smile. "How many sleeping pictures do you have of me now?" Jisoo rasped out, sleep heavy in his voice as he mustered up a meek glare, causing the other to chuckle.

Immediately, lips were pressed against his in an adoring manner, catching the younger off guard once he pulled away, "Not enough sleeping Shua pictures." he hummed, leaning in again, kissing his cheek this time, "We gotta head back home again, you know.." Jeonghan trailed off, brushing a strand away from Jisoo's face, seeing how his face fell. Thumbing at his cheek, he murmured, "Come on, don't be lazy." pulling away, he placed the camera on the bedside table, sliding the photo into his pocket. Jisoo, who was obviously tired, rubbed his eyes again, using one hand to push him up, supporting his body weight. Pushing the blankets away, he watched Jeonghan walk to their bags, already dressed. Next thing the latter knew was he got a face full of clothes. "Come on, come on," Jeonghan sang, walking back over to him, cupping his cheeks and kissing his forehead with a cheeky grin, causing Jisoo's face to turn a rosy shade of pink but grumble as he got out, holding his clothes. 

While Jisoo was changing in the bathroom, Jeonghan, despite his lazy attitude, took the time initiative to clean the hotel room so it wouldn't be as bad for room service. Cleaning up the bed and removing scraps while he could. Deeming it clean, he sat down on the couch, playing with his phone. Once Jisoo came out of the bathroom, the younger absolutely looked exhausted. A cap was on his head, slightly raised, complimenting a baggy gray hoodie that gave him sweater paws. Rubbing his tired eyes again, in his sleep induced state, he walked over to the elder, shying from side to side before sitting on his lap after his internal conflict was over, "Do we have to go?" he mumbled, feeling an arm securely wrapping its way around his waist.

"Unfortunately," Jisoo sighed heavily, his head resting against his shoulder, his adorning puppy dog eyes meeting Jeonghan's doe eyes. Though, the elder already could tell what he was doing, causing him to turn away. "We can go on another trip later, can't we?" 

".. I guess." the younger grumbled, sitting up now.

Jeonghan chuckled lightly, "Don't be like that, we have a lot of time ahead of us, don't we?" Jisoo snuck a glance at him and saw the sincere look in the elder's eyes before nodding slowly now. He delved in the light squeeze he felt around his waist, hands moving down to play with Jeonghan's hand, "Anyway, we should head out soon." he glanced at his phone, checking the time, "Whenever you're ready, love."

\---

Once they were on the road, Jisoo thought deeply. Usually after his attacks, he wouldn't be able to remember most of the things. As if his mind wouldn't let him go through that unbearable memory on impulse. But surprisingly, just barely there, he recalled it. _Was it because I don't want to be left alone anymore?_  His parents already hated him, if Jeonghan left, then so would Hansol, Junhui, and possibly Seungkwan. Then there was a strong possibility of becoming that lonely child once more and he'd build walls and wallow in self pity. Something he was always used to.

Resting his head against the window as his mind grew foggy from thinking, there was something that was bugging him. _Where did Jeonghan go?_ Licking his lips tentatively, his fingers played with one of his sleeves as he tried to figure out a way to bring it up. Not to be too straighforward or anything. But then again, considering the question, being straightforward was actually inevitable. Feeling his heartbeat increase in pace, he now tugged at his sleeves nervously, sneaking small peeks at the elder who gazed stoically ahead. He also found it odd that Jeonghan was now quiet.

Letting his gaze linger for a bit longer, he noticed how pale he was. Well, that was an understatement, the latter was already pale in the first place but it seemed - different. _Was that a description?_ _He seems much more tired, lack of sleep from this morning, or coming back late? I wouldn't blame him_. He watched as Jeonghan's lips parted, but the words that were elicited were muffled. Blinking a few times, Jisoo snapped out of it, "What?"

"I said, take a picture if you're gonna stare for too long." the elder mused, a ghost of a smile appearing. 

Blushing, he shook his head quickly, "I-I wasn't staring, not at all!" 

"Sure, sure."

Quieting down, Jisoo thought for a moment. Shifting from side to side awkwardly, "Uhm.." he started, causing Jeonghan to glance over at him for a moment, "Where.. Were you.. Last night..?" he mumbled slowly.

"Out." the reply was simple, blunt, causing Jisoo to paw at his sleeves.

"What do you mean, out?"

"Went to buy things,"

"For  _that_ long. Aren't most things closed at 1 AM?"

"Aren't you asking a bit too many questions for comfort?" Jeonghan snapped almost immediately, Joshua noticing the way he clenched the driving wheel tightly until his knuckles turned white. 

Flinching, his words got caught in his throat. Fear sunk into his body as he nodded quickly, trying to avoid the matter, "O-Okay," he fumbled over his words, feeling his bottom lip tremble, turning his head to face the window, "S.. Sorry," he mumbled meekly as he made sure to stick near the car door more, playing with his sleeves again. Feeling a hand brush against his bicep, he let out a squeak, flinching away, staring at him with wide eyes. 

Jeonghan, of course, grunted out, "Why the hell are you acting like a brat?"

"I-I'm sorry I just.." Joshua stammered out, feeling the suffocation of being in a car again, "I-I didn..t k-know.. i-if.." he whimpered out, unable to finish his sentence, soft wisps of pants escaping his parted lips, feeling his chest heave lightly.

"Just give me your damn hand."

Skeptically, he pulled up one of his sleeves and grabbed onto Jeonghan's hand, his own hand shaking. As he tried to contain it, he looked outside, deciding to stay quiet. His hand remained in the other's, loosely entwined as he shook in his seat. The air around them was thick with tension and Jisoo knew it. He silently cursed at himself.  _I_ _shouldn't have brought it up or I shouldn't have continued prodding at the situation_. _Me and my damn mouth_. To him, it was hard for him to breathe. With his shaking figure and even if the windows were rolled down, it still wouldn't have helped. Maybe he should find a way to sleep this off. Jisoo remained a coward. He didn't want to ruin this fragile atmosphere any longer. 

At this point, he wanted to take his hand away in order to become comfortable but if the other snapped, he wouldn't know what to do. It was so sudden, so surprising and it reminded him of many things. He always hated getting yelled at, it always scared him because yelling can escalate and become the worst thing ever. It'll continue growing and eventually something regretful would happen. Tears stung in his eyes as his vision grew blurry with the upcoming tears. The rims of his waterline became red as he tried to suppress the tears, Jisoo truly felt like cursed child either way - he'd love for it to be undone. The curse that grasped him tightly by the neck and if he did anything bad - it'd fasten. Fasten until he couldn't breathe anymore. The fastened curse around his neck was becoming unbearable. _I'm a good kid, wasn't I? Then, why was it left unnoticed?_

Him, who is as equally filthy without realizing, shares the same curse.

He could still feel his hand shake. 

He could still feel the tense air.

Even with his morbid thoughts, he couldn't help but feel wanted.

But it was absolutely impossible.

That's.. what made it sad.

\---

An hour had passed once Jisoo noticed the familiar surrounding. He missed it but also dreaded it. Hearing Jeonghan's phone begin to ring, the once warm hand let go of his own, causing him to slide it back into his lap. Jeonghan grabbed his phone from his pocket and answered it, "Hello?" despite the soft hum of the radio, it was becoming replaced by Jeonghan's conversation where Jisoo only listened to small parts of it. "Shua,"

"... Yeah?" the youngest mumbled softly, as if he was scared the other would snap again.

Giving him the phone, Jisoo looked at the caller ID, noticing it was Hansol, and Jeonghan watched as his face brightened. Biting back the urge to say anything, he played it off as it was nothing as Jisoo happily took the call. "Hello," the younger hummed, his head tilt as he looked out the window. He felt his hand being grabbed once more by Jeonghan but he left it alone, instead, focusing on the call.

"Are you already at your house?"

"Uh.." he glanced around as much as he could, "Probably five minutes away, yeah?"

"I'm not sure - if it's safe enough for you to go back home yet."

With his eyebrows furrowed, he mumbled, "Well, yeah of course not. But I have to head home at one point, don't I..?" 

"Yeah, but your parents went absolutely ballistic after you left."

As he tried thinking of a reply, he noticed his house coming into view as he mumbled, "Sorry," with that he hung up on him as Jeonghan slowed down in front of his house. About to open the door, he felt Jeonghan's grip tighten. Turning back, he looked at the elder curiously "Are you sure you want to head home?"

".. I think so." Jisoo replied, handing him his phone back and eventually letting his hand go.

"Shua-" he began but was cut off by a chaste kiss as the younger shrugged loosely, "It's fine." leaning over, he grabbed his things and once again was met by a kiss, the elder initiating it this time. His grip around him was tight, almost fearing that he was gonna slip away. Pullng away, Jisoo looked at him surprise.

"Sorry about earlier," he murmured, thumbing at his cheek, "I really am."

"It's okay," he forced a smile, kissing his nose and then got out of the car with his bag, shutting the car door. 

Jisoo saw the front door begin to open and was greeted by his mother, who held a stoic face. Glancing back at Jeonghan, he gestured for him, to show that it'd be fine. The elder hesitated before driving away slowly as Jisoo made his way up to the front door. Without any hesitation, his wrist was grabbed once he made it to the front door and he was forced inside his lonesome home. The house was an absolute mess. It seems like his mother was in the middle of cleaning all the broken family portraits that were shattered within the frame or eventually ripped. Joshua frowned at the sight but immediately felt a sting on his cheek as his mother slapped him.

"I didn't raise you to be like this. Who told you you could pull that kind of stunt? You act as if I'm stupid. I do know you head out but you have no right to keep this from me, Jisoo. God, every single damn day, ever since you met that boy, you've been acting like your father. Soon enough, you're gonna end up becoming like him too. A coward, a bastard." she seethed, her grip tightening on Jisoo's arm.

He didn't bother responding, he wouldn't be able to win against his mother. His chest tightened, the words that escaped her mouth sent daggers right through his heart. He bit back a response as he faced her with unshed tears in his eyes.

" _Now,_ you're starting to cry? I'm not going to take pity on a child that went against their mother's words. I warned you already, many times, didn't I? But you never bothered to listen, huh?" he felt her nails sinking into his arm as he tried not to yelp and fidget away. Roughly, he was pressed against the wall, meeting his mother's angered gaze. "I did my best to raise you correctly. You can't just let someone ruin that all." her gaze softened, "You know I love my baby boy, right?" she whispered, her grip loosening. "Answer me."

Tears began to roll down his cheek as he nodded frantically, wanting to get away, "Y-Yes, I-I kno..w..!"

"Good," then her grip tightened again, "I can't just let this go without some form of punishment."

A soft 'what' escaped his mouth as he was dragged into the kitchen. His eyes were widened with fear as he tried to move away, "No, please..!" he begged, once he felt his sleeve rolled up, "Not again," he screeched loudly, trying to wiggle away, feeling the sharp blade of the knife pressed against his bare arm. "Not again," he repeated once more, now like a mantra as he sobbed, tears falling down carelessly, "No, no, no, I'm sorry! I-I won..'t do i..t again! M-Mom.." he whimpered, looking at her pleadingly.

"You're my good little boy," she cooed, her grip tighening to keep him still, "I have to show a lesson, don't I? So you won't ever do it again." 

"B-But.. I w..on't d..do.." his words began to fade away, fearing for his life before feeling the blade sink in, painfully slow, being dragged along in a torturous manner. Memories of before began to show up in his mind as he screamed bloody murder at the pain.

His mother immediately snapped, "Jisoo, be quiet. If you continue screaming, it'll just go on longer." as he quieted, her gaze flickered over to her son's pale features, "You will not speak of this to anyone."

Joshua went through the worst night of his life. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: NO I DIDN'T FORGET THIS STORY I'VE JUST BEEN BUSY AND FINALLY FOUND MUSE FOR THIS STORY AGAIN - BUT I END SCHOOL IN TWO DAYS SO HOPEFULLY I CAN UPDATE TONS??


	13. XIII

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> R E A D !!
> 
> TRIPLE UPDATE AHEAD BECAUSE I FORGOT TO UPDATE THIS OMG  
> SHORT CHAPTER AHEAD // UNEDITED

Through his heavy eyelids, he felt the warmth of the sunlight peeking through his curtain, resting lightly along his close eyelids, dancing along his long eyelashes. How it moved slowly along his cheekbones, and down to his chin. As his eyes fluttered open, his bright room blinded him almost immediately. Rubbing his eyes, he sat up and stretched out his tired limbs until it let out a satisfying pop from each joint. Running his fingers through his hair, he mussed up his bedhair and yawned loudly as he sat there idly on his mattress. Flickering his eyes to his clock, it took him a moment to process before realizing the time as Jisoo quickly shed his heavy blankets off, scrambled off the bed and rushed into his bathroom to get ready for the school day.

Placing his toothbrush back into the holder, he left the bathroom hurriedly as he adjusted his clothes, grumbling about how it wouldn't cooperate with him at all. Grabbing his backpack along the way, he left his room, feet bounding down the stairs but soon slowed down as he saw two figures in his kitchen. Blinking as his steps slowed and eventually stopped at the bottom of the stairs, he stood there idly, licking his chapped lips. Adjusting the straps on his bag, he shuffled quietly to the kitchen counter, grabbing an apple to help him at least survive through the treacherous school hours. As he turned around to leave, his body tensed almost immediately.

"Jisoo," his mother's voice rang softly. Gathering the small bit of courage he had, he turned around and greeted her with a small smile. Taken back, he was wrapped into her embrace, filled with love that he almost cried. He refrained from doing so as he clutched onto her dearly. Pent up emotions were threatening to burst, but he couldn't allow them to. "Have fun today, text me if you're going to come home late, okay?" 

Pulling away, he nodded silently and met his father's gaze, in which he gave him a smile. Jisoo, taken back, shot back an awkward smile before turning away as he blinked rapidly.  _This doesn't feel right._ His arms tingled as he scratched at them before looking down at them.  _Nothing. Did nothing happen yesterday?_ Quickly, he went to the front door and opened it before exiting his house. Jisoo furrowed his eyebrows as his walk to school continued. _What had happened yesterday? Did I just - dream it? Well, it was morbid dream, but it was something_. Continuing his walk, once he reached the halfway point, he heard Hansol's car pulling up behind him. With his steps slowing, he waited until his vehicle stopped before grabbing the door handle, opening the car door and getting in, slamming it shut soon after. 

"You look conflicted," Hansol mused, "Wake up wrong? Your dad wrestled you awake again or did your mom rip the sheets off?"

Jisoo looked at him confused, opening his mouth to say something but stopped as he reworded it, making it vague, "What.. Do you mean?"

"What? Still asleep? Oh, Josh, you'll forever worry me."

With his unanswered question, Jisoo slouched in his seat and sighed quietly. Ever since he woke up, he felt weird. WIth this continuation, he wasn't quite sure how he was going to survive this day. He just hoped nothing else weird would happen. At 7:23 AM sharp, they pulled up in the parking lot, helping Hansol find a parking space quickly and getting out from the car.

"Josh, are you okay?"

".. Huh? Yeah, I am. Why?"

"You were unusually quiet. You usually chat my ear off on the way to school." he then shrugged, "Oh well, guess you really haven't woken up just yet." 

"I-" Jisoo began but then was interrupted once he saw Jun heading towards them with Minghao hot on his trail.

"Save me, save me!" Jun cried out, grabbing Hansol's car keys before he could lock it, opening the door he dived in, closed it and then locked, the car alarm going off for a moment causing Jisoo to jump. With that, Minghao barrel rolled against the car and the hit the window without any mercy, glowering down at the cowering man inside the car. 

"Hey, that's  _my_ car!" Hansol groaned, walking over and slapping Minghao's hands off the window, "If this were to crack, you'd have to pay for it."

"Oh good, if it were to break I'd have to pay for a car window  _and_  Jun's hospital bills. That is.. if he makes it." he spoke threateningly low. 

"You guys are causing a commotion, you drama queens!" Seungkwan yelled as he approached his friends with a beaming grin, Mingyu trailing behind him, on his phone.

"You're the drama queen!" Minghao shot back, without a care as he continued to glower down at Jun who then smiled smugly. "Just you wait, you can't stay in there forever."

"Whoa, Minghao, you look like a fucking fairy. Haha, I didn't know you were an id-" Mingyu choked on his words once a gut punch was thrown at him. 

"What even happened?" Hansol finally asked, calmly. 

"I moved in with him yesterday and he had the audacity to dye my hair this bright pink color while I slept! And Seungcheol recorded and everything, and I just... I'm gonna  _murder_ you." Minghao hissed, hitting the car window again. 

One by one, the group grew seemingly big. Jisoo just stood there, idly, not recognizing the people who crowded into the group but they recognized him. Having conversations with him as Jisoo grew antsy every second, a queasy smile playing on his lips. The group was unnaturally rowdy but it was nice, though overwhelming. He wasn't quite sure who they were but he was too afraid to ask. Then, it hit him. Jeonghan. _Where was he? Was he still mad at me from yesterday?_ Questions after questions appeared in his head but was soon interrupted once the shrill of the bell cut off their conversations. Time had passed quickly and Jisoo didn't even realize. Jisoo wasn't able to play his guitar like he did every morning. With that withdrawal, he walked to his first class begrudgingly, though, he ached to see Jeonghan.

Usually, Jisoo would keep to himself, get through the day, and go solo. But oddly enough, he had someone to chat with in his classes and it was surprisingly... well? But, there was still no Jeonghan. Even in his last class, there was no sign of Jeonghan.  _Jeonghan, Jeonghan, Jeonghan._

"Hansol!" Jisoo called out, catching up to the younger male, as he slowed down. 

"Hey, Josh. What's up? Need a ride home?"

"Oh, uh.." he trailed off before shaking his head, "I'll get back to you on that in a second. Have you seen Jeonghan?"

"Jeonghan?" he looked at him confused.

"Yeah, that.. Guy that always hangs out with me and is best friends with Seungcheol and.."

"Whoa, whoa, Joshua, hold on. Who's Jeonghan? And last time I checked you were best friends with Seungcheol? Remember? You guys like - basically grew up together until you moved back here. But you guys were still penpals, aha! It's so funny to tease you guys with that, aha. Ring a bell?"

Jisoo words were caught in his throat.

"Haha, are you really still asleep? Damn, did you stay up late watching your anime again?" Hansol teased before lifting his hands and clapping, "Wake up, silly."

\---

Jolting awake, he was blinded by the white lights that surrounded him. His heart pounding, breathing ragged, soon enough, his vision blurred with tears. Warm tears rolled down his cheeks as he sobbed into his hands. His body shaking uncontrollably, he heard the constant, annoying beeping sound as his heart rate continued to accelereate and eventually his breathing was choked out, fluctuating rapidly. His lungs hurting every time he breathed in. It was a bittersweet reality. His arms hurt, his body was sore and abnormally hot. A hand was on his shoulder, causing him to tense and shift away, looking at whoever touched him. He recognized him. He was Seungcheol. But he was confused as to why he was here. Jisoo noticed he didn't look all that well either. His natural pale complexion seemed worse, bags more prominent as if he hasn't slept in days, waterline red and irritated, and hair mussed up. Instead of looking hurt, he gave him a half-hearted smile, "Nice seeing you awake. Gave us all a scare, y'know." Jisoo looked around and finally noticed the environment. _Hospital_. He was at a hospital. His arms were bandaged and an IV was injected into his radial vein. Sniffling, he looked at Seungcheol, almost fearing that if he were to speak, he would be booted right out. Even though, that couldn't happen. At all. "I may be a jackass, but you know I wouldn't hurt you.. Or shit." he trailed off awkwardly, watching as his gaze flitted around. "Lookin' for your friends or specifically... Jeonghan?" 

"... What happened?" he rasped out, clearing his throat soon after.

"Ah," Seungcheol trailed off, "It's been a few days but you finally woke up," he began, lips slightly puckered as he went into thought. "Uh, I was with Hansol  when he called you and.. Uh, well, after Jeonghan droppped you off.. That.." Seungcheol gestured towards his arms, "And, so, I had to hold your mom back while Hansol took you out safely. You passed out from the loss of blood, we were almost too late. Luckily, it was a safe procedure but your body was naturally weak to begin with so it was terrifying. Jeonghan... He was devastated and he.." he trailed off before tensing, as he glanced away, as if he was hiding something, "He's fine, uh.. He wanted me to stay besides you until he.. Er.. Does something. He should be notified soon, I pressed the button as soon as you woke up so.."

On cue, Jeonghan came rushing in, with Hansol trailing behind him, both looking exhausted. But something seemed off about Jeonghan as soon as he stepped in, skin pale, eyes hollow but somehow brightening at the sight of Jisoo. Immediately, he was wrapped into his embrace, causing Jisoo to wrap his arms around him, almost needily. His grip tightening as he cried. Cried and cried until he wasn't able to anymore. Jeonghan coddled him, did anything to show his love towards him. "God, you had me worried sick. I'm so sorry I left you alone." the elder murmured, peppering him in kisses, in which Jisoo accepted whole heartedly. Hearing more footsteps, the doctor managed to come in, looking frantic but immediately became at ease once they saw the sight in front of them. Jeonghan quickly detached himself, almost stumbling causing Seungcheol to stand up, wrapping one arm around him to keep him steady.

"Jeonghan. you know you're not supposed to leave your room."

Interests piqued, Jisoo looked at him worriedly, whereas Jeonghan kept his gaze on the doctor with a forced smile, "Yeah. Sorry."

"If you will, please head back to your room. I will be there in just a moment." 

"Jeongha-" Jisoo began but was cut off once Jeonghan was guided right out of the room.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this was not my best chapter i am upset


	14. XIV

Days had passed once Jisoo was released from the hospital. The doctors told him to watch out for his health and as soon as he felt dizzy, he would have to come back here to be checked out, considering that the bump they found on his head, only meant that he hit his head when he passed out. No wonder everything seemed fuzzy. If no one was able to take him, he'd have to stay put in a quiet place and relax himself, instead of panicking or stressing, because that would only cause more problems that the younger didn't need. After some constant arguing, Jisoo wasn't going back to his house. Under Hansol's orders, as well as Jeonghan's. Not like he was particularly fond of going home either. Of course, Hansol was all gung-ho to take him in, but his mother already knew where he lived so it wouldn't be much of a sanctuary for him. Jeonghan? Jisoo didn't really wanna burden his boyfriend - as much as he loves him, he knows how relationships could become if they are frequently with one another. The honey-moon phase would be gone and soon enough, their relationship could be replaced with constant bickering and Jisoo was far too deep within his feelings for Jeonghan to ruin it so soon. Besides, that also meant that Jeonghan's lazy persona would come out and Jisoo would somehow end up babying him  _and_ Jiwoo. Don't get him wrong, they are still going to be together constantly because of their group, project, and status, just - not at.. Night? Jisoo didn't want to grow dependent on his boyfriend either. Jun? Jisoo really didn't want to share an apartment with him and Minghao, also Mingyu because he crashes there  sometimes. The said flirt makes Jisoo very _scared_ , Jun is just something, and Minghao - well, he wasn't quite close with him but he did have a great amount of sass that Jisoo would be very,  _very_ cautious around him. Seungkwan is just naturally loud, but Jisoo would end up having to hear all of the school's latest gossip, and honestly, Jisoo would have to listen all night and be late for the next school day. It was also odd that since they all had their other groups, that they asked if he wanted to stay over there. As grateful as he was, wasn't it odd that - they didn't know him? No? Just him? Ah. Probably what surprised him the most was when Seungcheol offered for Jisoo to stay. Even though, he didn't quite know him all that well, he was Jeonghan's best friend, he could trust him, right? Jeonghan, who was cautious about that, considering he knew how he lived and how Jisoo was, made strict rules for him. Him, he meant Seungcheol. They made Jisoo sound like a prized pet or something with the eating log, that even Hansol pitched in with and now the medication he had to use which Jun read out carefully and repeated once more when Seungcheol asked once more -  _slower._

Once that was all figured out, Jisoo just sat there idly on the bed, dressed in new clothes, or Jeonghan's clothes, that were brought in. It was bigger on him, Jeonghan's build much more bigger than his lanky figure. But it was nice to wear and the scent was nice, which he would never admit, fearing he would embarrass himself completely. Jeonghan and Hansol would visit Jisoo's home to gather his things once they knew both his parents were gone, or just his mother, in which Jisoo protested weakly but was shut down by his boyfriend who he silenced with a kiss. The rest of the days he had at this hospital, Jisoo noticed many things about Jeonghan. His complexion that paled, his short temper, bags that grew darker if he didn't apply makeup to cover it - in which he did at school, how his eyes were dull and hollow, but at the sight of Jisoo, there was only little light there to show his happiness. How he constantly pushed himself. Jisoo was worried. He didn't have the chance to ask the elder why he was rushed out of his room when he awoke. He feared it would be a touchy subject, but Jisoo had the right to know. Though, once he hinted towards it, he just said Jiwoo came down with a fever but it went down. And he believed it. It took time and help from Seungcheol - who clearly knew about his condition. No matter how many times Jisoo asked, he'd always get a sorrowful smile and a pat on the back, then a topic change. The first day, there wasn't any rules Seungcheol had, in fact, Jisoo thought it was better than he thought. There wasn't much of an awkward atmosphere, it was more relaxed and Seungcheol knew his boundaries and offered help if he ever wanted to rant or anything alike to that. Jisoo found out the other was on limited money and was on a strict instant cup of noodles diet, which he involuntarily cringe at as he thought of the amount of sodium he ended up consuming. As well as the empty instant noodle cups that was laying around his livingroom, kitchen, also in Seungcheol's room. Though, the elder tried cooking for him with his limited grocery in his fridge but caused a fire instead where the younger quickly tried to diminish with water. And that's how the ice broke. Jisoo had a lot of cleaning  _and_ cooking to do nonetheless. Instead of him babying, he thought he had more luck in babying Seungcheol, in which the other didn't mind as long as he was actually fed. The younger was lucky that he had another account opened for him parents didn't know of, where he transferred most of his allowance on it and had enough to survive for a while. The main one, where his parents surveyed it - or should he say his mother surveyed it - would only be used for little things. There wasn't as much money on it either way since he would leave about 20-30% of his allowance in there that eventually piled up somehow. Either way, Jisoo was tempted to take out all the money, shut the account, cut the card his parents gave him, and have a fresh start. Fresh start. With Jeonghan. At the thought of that, a smile graced his lips. 

At school, no one brought up the fact that he was in the hospital. In fact, they dismissed it. There was no use dwelling in it, when he was indeed okay. Instead of Hansol taking him, he got a ride from Seungcheol, sometimes Jeonghan just picking the both of them only because it would be more convenient. But the real reason was he was lacking Jisoo and wanted to see his boyfriend and be  _blessed._ Which Seungcheol pointed out whenever he said Jeonghan would never offer him a ride, it would be vice versa, which is why they were always late. Somehow. At lunch, the group seemingly grew. Considering that Jeonghan's group merged into their own, that consist of Seungcheol, Mingyu, Hansol, Wonwoo, and Chan where his was originally just Hansol, Jun, sometimes Minghao, and then Seungkwan. Now there was new faces, ones he saw in choir like Jihoon and Seokmin, but then also whenever Jun told him to watch his dance practice was Soonyoung. A group that was literally four people grew into a group of thirteen people, including himself. Which made him a little dizzy at how loud it grew but it also made him laugh. He felt at ease - more relaxed and he was actually glad. "Alright, where's my baby boy?" Jeonghan's voice rang as the group's constant bickering died down once he walked over.

A loud sigh was heard, "Right here, hyung," Chan responded, flipping through his textbook for last minute studying session, in which they all knew he wasn't going to do very well since all he has been focusing on was dance but they all cheered him on. 

"No, not you," Jeonghan retorted, "Shua." once their gazes met, the elder's face lit up as he sat besides him on the table and then tugged him onto his lap, embracing him. Jisoo, embarrassed, a pink hue sprinkled along his cheekbones and he shyly ran his hand through his dyed blond hair. Recently, Jisoo dyed his hair back to a lighter brown, a pretty hazelnut, more comfortable with the color more than ever. A gasp was heard from the youngest of the group, everyone expecting him to be taken back, but instead, his face was full bllown with absolute joy, eyes shining and everything. 

"Yes, I'm finally out of that title!" he cheered happily, shifting from side to side and then continued to study, as if he didn't hurt Jeonghan's feelings.

"I lost another -"

"Shut up, you, I'm studying."

Jeonghan let out a whine, masking his embarrassment of rejection, burying his face into Jisoo's neck, mumbling, "Baby me."

Jisoo laughed softly, shifting around until he faced him properly and then cupped the elder's cheeks, stroking his cheekbones with his thumb before planing a kiss on his forehead, and then rubbing their noses together, a soft hum being heard from him. "Gross, I'm gagging." Jun groaned, before having food shoved into his mouth, complimented by Minghao. 

"It's cute," Seokmin chirped, in where Seungkwan nodded in agreement, ready to tease but Soonyoung quickly covered his mouth, as if fearing that he would make an absolute fool out of himself. 

He just smiled lazily, resting his head in the crook of his neck, hearing Jeonghan's words of inviting Jisoo over tonight to sleep over since his parents were going to be out and Jiwoo needed a babysitter, since Jeonghan needed to head out for something quick and then he'd be back. Jisoo agreed almost immediately, excited that he would be able to sleep in the elder's embrace once more. 

\---

At this point, Jisoo just had many of Jeonghan's clothes in his own dresser. Not like the elder minded, he liked seeing his clothes on Jisoo, even in his selfish desires, he would want Jisoo to model all his clothing for the fun of it. Which is something that he wants now. It was now a plan of his. Jisoo plopped down onto the couch once Jeonghan kissed him goodbye and said it shouldn't take no more than an hour. With his constant disappearance and somehow busy schedule now, he couldn't help but worry. _Is it something bad? Was he okay? Hopefully._ Jiwoo trotted down the stairs from her nap 15 minutes later. Seeing Jisoo, she immediately perked up, running to the couch and tackled him into a hug. His book slid down on the ground with a thump and he laughed, hugging her back as he attacked her with kisses. Giggles filled the once silent house and she basically beamed towards him, now happy that she was able to see him once more since it's been so long. Jisoo admired her facial structure, it resembled Jeonghan's so much, except she had much chubbier cheeks that made her absolutely adorable. She was also graced with long, dark brown hair and twinkling almond eyes. 

Fidgeting with the hair tye around her wrist, she brought it up to his face, index fingers stretching it slightly, "Tie my hair!" sleep laced her voice, her chubby cheeks still red, but she looked at him expectingly. 

Surprised, Jisoo nodded slowly. He's never actually been the one to do other's hair - he'd just watch. Specifically, watch Hansol tie back or braid Sofia's hair, but also the girl's at their school had all these different hairstyles, he'd see so it wasn't going to be hard, right? "Get a brush. Let's untangle your nap hair." he mused, as she pouted but nodded reluctantly, sliding off his lap and then rushing back up the stairs. Moments later, Jisoo heard her soft footsteps going down the stairs and she was back on his lap, holding the brush up above her head. Jisoo took it from her and carefully brushed through her tangled hair as she began to sing a song, replacing the quiet atmosphere. Smiling, he stayed quiet for the sake of it as he placed the brush besides him, finished. Combing his fingers through her hair as he thought, his tongue stuck out of the corner of his mouth as he fiddled with it for ideas.

Minutes later, Jisoo settled on a simple ponytail in which she guided him on how to braid it. Topping it off with a second hair tye, Jisoo was pretty proud of his work as she twirled around happily, clapping. A quiet chuckle was heard from him before he was guided upstairs into Jeonghan's room. Surprisingly, it was cleaner than when they first met. _Was it just for tonight though?_ That's what he was curious about. She flopped onto his bed, and then let out a loud, "Ow!" rolling away from her spot. Alarmed, Jisoo walked over to the bed and shuffled through the sheets only to find Jeonghan's laptop. Thinking for a moment, he opened it and saw it needed a password. Clicking his tongue, he thought it would be best to just finish up the essay while he could and continue redrafting it. "Do you.. By any chance know his password?"

Jiwoo tapped her cheek and then nodded. "Yes, he taught me how to! I can watch youtube or netflix on his phone and laptop!" she chorused, obviously proud of herself and very happy once Jisoo praised her and ruffled her hair. As she typed in the password  _slowly,_ he went to grab clothes from Jeonghan's dresser and walked into his bathroom, discarding his school clothes and slipping on Jeonghan's shirt - which was oversized on him. Shrugging loosely, deciding his boxers and shirt was enough, he made his way out, to see Jiwoo fiddling with the desktop, moving the icons around until it made a smiley face. Seeing he was back, she shifted away from her spot and Jisoo took it. With her head on his lap soon after, she got comfortable as she watched him pull up a word doc and began to think about each adventure they had already and let his fingers type mindlessley, stopping at each paragraph to reread and revise until it was at least decent and up for editing. They were almost done with the project - maybe a place or two left? He doesn't recall but they already reached the minimum amount of places to go. At least it was something to work off of for the essay. Eventually, Jisoo got most of the paper done, the light hum of the music from the laptop playing as Jiwoo focused on the laptop, the tapping of the keyboard beginning to lull her back into sleep. She shifted, causing Jisoo to stop and run his finger through her hair slowly due to it falling out for the braid, almost reassuringly. "Your fever went down, right?"

"Fever..? I didn't have a fever. Hehe, silly!"

Eyebrows furrowed, Jisoo nodded slowly, almost unsurely. They both grew quiet once more until he heard her voice."D-Do.." she stammered out softly, the rest muffled, causing Jisoo to let out a quiet, 'Hm?' It was quiet for a moment, but soon enough, she spoke once more, "You are.. Smart.." she said slowly, before looking up at him sadly, tears glistening in her eyes, "Can you.. Not make Jeonghan sick anymore? I don't want him to keep leaving anymore because he's sick. He's.." Jiwoo hiccuped as she rubbed her eyes but the tears wouldn't stop falling. A twinge of pain was felt in Jisoo's chest as he picked her up, rubbing her back as he hushed her. He wasn't the one to comfort so he tried his best. But even he couldn't cope with the news.  _He's sick? How sick? It was treatable, right? It had to be. It.. He's fine. Jeonghan's fine - he is going to be fine and healthy and-_

With the essay long forgotten, he heard the front door opening downstairs and by the time Jeonghan entered his own bedroom, both Jiwoo and Jisoo had tears rolling down their cheeks, leaving Jeonghan absolutely confused. 


	15. XV

_Luke 9:24 - For whoever wants to save their life will lose it, but whoever loses their life for me will save it._

Sunday.

Usually on Sundays, Jisoo would go to Church with his mother, or on rare occassions, his whole family which only consist of him, his father, and his mother. But under certain circumstances, he'd rather not go. He didn't quite want to see his mother, with her innocent act, up until their eyes would meet and it would seethe with absolute anger. The way her nails would dig into his shoulder if he didn't greet anyone or just remained their emotionless. Now that he thought of that, that would happen often but he would brush it off, as if it was a normal thing. Church wasn't on his to-do list but catching up with work and studying for finals was on it. That was until he got a message from Jeonghan to go out with him today. Right, one last location to visit. He had totally forgot - completely occupied with the essay and studying for the finals that is. Summer was coming a little too fast for his liking, but he could do nothing to slow it down. With a soft exhale, his eyes fluttered shut as he felt the warm rays peek through the guest room curtain.  _Survive just a bit longer._

That's how Jisoo ended up at  _Seoul Forest_ with Jeonghan who had their camera handy. Pictures were taken. The shutter of the polaroid having been the only thing he was able to hear. Any type of idle chatter directed towards him went from one ear out of the other, but no response from him was given. Ever since Jisoo slept over at the elder's house, his talk with Jiwoo really made his heart heavy. It was true - Jeonghan didn't necessarily open up and when he did, it was mostly just small rants that he had to piece together and hope that he was right, instead of assuming. After that, Jeonghan tucked Jiwoo into her bed and Jisoo was left to dry his tears and carry on with the essay. But it was an excuse. That essay was his only excuse to have time to himself and think. Though, he would offer to take that burden away from the younger, Jisoo would dismiss him and be left to wallow with his heavy heart, restlessness, and persistent sad mood. _Was it my depression kicking back in full gear to slap me back into the reality I lived before? Probably. It's not like it had visited in a while._ Seungcheol even noticed his change in attitude and questioned it whenever he could, probably telling Jeonghan, hence why he would often get baby'd. But then again, it was rare for Jisoo to see Jeonghan out of school now. And when they did, all he would hear was the elder's phone ringing, dealing with his mood swings, and bickering that would make Jisoo call Seungcheol to pick him up, walk home only to be dragged back inside, or the classic body pillow in the middle of the bed until they slept or Jisoo went mad and slept downstairs, much to the elder's dismay. 

"Jisoo, smile!"

A hollow smile.

That was all he was able to give at the moment as he was sucked back into his thoughts. It was quiet between them, the only thing they would hear was the excited chatter of the people around them, the sound of their footsteps padding along the pathway, or the shutter of phone cameras. It was the last location and Jisoo should make the best of it, right? _Then, why wasn't I?_ His gaze flitted towards Jeonghan, who seemed all excited to be here but the smiles he would give didn't quite meet his eyes. The way he looked at the polaroids after they developed half way through, stuck them into his bag safely and then they carried on. Jisoo always wanted to visit this place, but now that he was here, he felt empty, orr, a mind filled with questions that he couldn't ask, fearing it would tick the elder off, so, he has to sit here like nothing is happening. So, he felt empty. 

An hour had passed, the two taking a break. Their steps faltering as they were finally given the chance to just relax and wonder, not stressing out about the pictures. Staring at the elder's back, realization dawned upon him.  _What if he also fell out of love?_ It was possible. Jisoo was bland, boring. Jeonghan was popular, admirable. The elder could go for anyone at the school and anyone would be willing to date him in a heartbeat. _Right. Out of love._ Just at the thought of that, Jisoo ranked that up as one of the top ideas.

"You okay?"

_Am I okay?_

Jisoo meekly nodded, unable to meet his gaze once he walked besides him. Slowly, both their steps came to a halt. The younger shuffling from side to side as he stood there, quietly. The questions he had stored up wanted to roll right off of his tongue. "Are you sure? You've been unsually quiet lately."

"And you've been unusually absent lately." he shot back, almost bitterly before he clamped his mouth shut as he sighed deeply, "I'm sorry. Lack of sleep."

"Are you really mad about me not showing up that often? I've been busy lately. Shua, you don't have to cling onto me so much." he mused, trying to make light of the situation but noticed how the other's demeanor changed almost immediately, "I mean, I'm not always going to be here at your side. At your beckon call... Wrong choice of words, but do you get what I mean?"

"Yeah, I guess I do." he spoke numbly, "I should mentally prepare myself when you're gone, right?"

Taken back, Jisoo watched the way Jeonghan's face contorted into surprise then discomfort as he rubbed the nape of his neck, swallowing deeply. How his eyes were averted away, his other hand dawdling with the polaroid in his hand, "That's.. Not it."

"Then, what is it?" Jisoo probed, "What is it? Last time I recalled, you were the one who clung onto me the most. But that's besides the point. What are you not telling me?"

"I've been entirely honest with you, Jisoo."

_Ah, my name. I was so used to being called Shua._

"Are you able to tell me why Jiwoo cries over you? Why your phone constantly rings and when I pick it up, it's the hospital? Why Seungcheol deflates at the mention of you? Why you are  _always_ gone? Can you answer that for me or am I just gonna be left in the dust again?" question after question rolled off his tongue. Even if he tried to stop, it wasn't happening. Not at all. He saw how Jeonghan's face turned blank but the tips of his ears grew red due to the anger he was feeling, ".. Or did you just lose interest in me as well? Is that why all you wanna do is yell at me? Yell at each other? Are you trying to hold out until this project is done and its ' _Goodbye, Hong Jisoo_?' Is that it? Just tell me already instead of dragging it on." he panted out, tears welling up in his eyes.

It wasn't fair. His words wasn't fair. Not towards the elder. It was like he personally attacked him but he was  _so_ stressed. He missed Jeonghan. _His_ Jeonghan. He hated fighting with him, feeling like he wasn't ever going to know what's happening. And the idea of losing him - well, Jisoo just couldn't take it. He'd rather end up having to live at his home again than lose Jeonghan. His body shook, lungs contracting as his heavy heart finally raced with adrenaline. Fear sunk into his mind. He couldn't breathe. His lungs grew painfully tight and his body went into relapsed as he droppe down into a crouching position, fingers laced within his hair as a buzzing noise invaded his ears instead. He was having a panic attack, and Jeonghan noticed. 

Quickly, he was swept off his feet, and carried out of  _Seoul Forest._

Here they both were. In the car. In the silence. Jisoo's body shaking, but he was able to breathe again. Jeonghan looked entirely stressed out, elbow propped up agains the door, his temple resting against his knuckle. His deep breathing was now heard, eyes falling shut for a moment as he relaxed his body. Eyes fluttering open, he gazed at Jeonghan longingly. Tentatively, he reached out his shaking hand, brushing the pads of his fingers against his cheekbones.

Cold.

It felt cold.

It felt... Different.

"... Take me back to Seungcheol's."

"What?"

"You heard me." dejected, he dropped his hand back to his side before smiling gently, "Please." 

\---

It was when Jeonghan pulled up to Seungcheol's place. The two sat there silently once more. Not knowing what to say or do. _Who was gonna say the last words? Who was gonna initiate anything they had in mind._ As Jisoo unbuckled his seatbelt, he began to make his way out of the car but was quickly stopped once he felt a firm grip on his wrist. It was like time stilled. He could feel the elder's hand shaking against his wrist. Though, he feared turning around, he mustered up his courage to. As he turned around, he was met with Jeonghan's tear-filled eyes. The tears threatening to spill out of his eyes, lips parted as he heard just the faintest sounds of ragged breathing. His hand continued to shake, grip tightening as if he was afraid this was going to be the last time he'd see Jisoo. The last time he'd be greeted by his kind words and bright smile. The last time they had together would end up being a bitter memory. _Would he end up having to only reminisce?_ Jisoo felt the grip loosen and his hand was off his wrist, the elder looking away quickly. Almost embarrassed by his vulnerable state. But he couldn't hide the way his body trembled.

And that pulled his heart strings the most. 

His weak, vulnerable state he had never witnessed.

Maybe that's why he didn't want to be open about it. 

Just, maybe. 

Jisoo slid back into the passenger seat, leaving the car door open as he sat there idly. Playing with his fingers for a moment as he let the other have his moment until he calmed down. Lips pursed, he turned to face the elder properly, eyes piercing into his red, teary eyes. Jisoo leaned over, cupping his cheeks and placed a chaste kiss on his lips. Ah, he missed the feel of his lips against his own. He missed it a lot. And almost needily, Jeonghan took it up a notch; kissing him eagerly, hands finding it's way onto his waist, deepening it entirely. It was sweet. That moment was sweet, and when they pulled away, Jeonghan almost whined but settled on pouting. Noses brushing against each other, Jisoo sat back in his seat for a moment and then got out, murming a soft ' _I love you',_ in which Jeonghan rolled down his car window once the car door was shut and heartily yelling a loud, ' _I love you too!'_

Just like that, Jisoo was back inside Seungcheol's aparmtment. It was quiet but for all he knew, the elder was probably resting. Or just doing something in his room for the time being. 

Just like that, the tears fell.

At first, it was slowly. Then a rush of tears cascaded down his cheeks, lightly caressing his cheeks and down to his chin as he tried to wipe them away, even more frustrated. He was frustrated with himself. His emotions got the best of him. Jisoo's body shook violently, breathing ragged as he sobbed. Continued to sob, no matter how loud he was growing. Back pressed against the wall as he slid down, burying his face into his hands as he began to curse at himself silently in his head. It was all too much for him. He was deaf to his surroundings - to the sound of Seungcheol's footsteps and his worried questions. It wasn't until he felt arms being wrapped around him and eventually he was carried onto the couch, where he hugged the elder tightly, sobbing into his shoulders. Seungcheol, not having the heart to talk about his soaked shoulder and Jisoo not giving a damn about his soaked shoulder. 

Moments had passed when he calmed down, sitting there blankly as Seungcheol went out of his way to get him something to drink. Was it perhaps a fruity smoothie, chocolately substance, or just something entirely sweet? He was left alone in the apartment. No doubt he was gonna come back with Jeonghan or Jeonghan already knew. Getting up with a sniffle, he walked to his room - or stumbled in. His head throbbed while his eyelids felt heavy. And like that, he collapsed onto his bed. 

Hoping he'd never wake up.

But that was impossible.

Hours later, he heard the door open, Seungcheol calling his name out softly. Jisoo had no choice but to get up and walk over, almost tentatively. His drink was offered but instead of reaching out to grab it, he wiped away his tears, sniffling, "Tell me everything." a pained expression crossed over the other's face. " _Please._ "

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: oh frick i forgot i had this already ready but pls bare with me my muse is coming


	16. XVI

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> FOUR CHAPTERS WILL BE ADDED AFTER THIS ONE !!!

Yoon Jeonghan was just a normal kid with two loving parents who loved him dearly.

Or was. 

Yoon Jeonghan was just a normal kid with divorced parents and an illness that is killing him slowly.

Still is.

Jeonghan had little friends, and even if he did make some, they didn't last long. Was it because the constant attention he would recieve? Was it too overwhelming? Perhaps, it was just because - he was him. But that was okay, as long as he told his mother he played with someone, she was happy. That's all what Jeonghan wanted, his mother's happiness. His father, he was content with his father enough not to have any ill feelings. In fact, he was his role model. He wanted to grow up to be just like him. But soon enough, that dream, that ideal type, was soon crushed under the sole of his shoes. His father's shoes to be exact. One day, during elementary school, during the classic singing warm ups that would teach them about rhythms, give exposure to more words, and to simply have fun, Jeonghan was called up to sing that day. He loves singing! That's the only thing he wanted to do, other than prancing around in his vampire costume at home, with fake blood lathered over his clothing. In which, his mother had to do laundry often because of him. He got up from his seat, staring at his classmates he was already used to. His cheeks turning a light shade of rose pink as he fiddled with his fingers. He stared at his teacher who beckoned him to come closer. And with each step, Jeonghan could basically feel how his legs trembled with, until he fell to the ground. He could hear the laughter echoing around the room and he decided the best method was to laugh it off. So he did as he pushed himself off the ground. Or tried to. He couldn't feel his legs. He couldn't move them at all. His laughter quieted as his gazed settled on his legs as he tried to shift around but was unable to. Breath hitching in his throat, he sat there idly, his teacher's voice muffled in the background. Tears welled up in his eyes as he panicked, face scrunching up as he hiccuped first and eventually began to sob about his legs. The latter couldn't recall what happened after that. He had passed out. When he awoke, he was in his room. Jeonghan had began to move around, the function in his leg coming back. Sliding off his bed, he left his room and bumped into his mother who had relief washed over her face entirely. The two drew the conclusion about him being nervous.

A week later, the same thing happened. But before that, he could feel the numbness of the tingling feeling in his legs and arms. He just waved it off as if it just fell asleep. It was school break when this happened. He had to stay home - alone. Both his parents were gone, at work and Jeonghan was used to the comfort of being alone and in the silence of his home. Usually, he would be dropped off at someone's house to watch him but on this specific day, they ended up being busy, but one was able to swing by towards night time. But it was okay - Jeonghan wouldn't complain. But when it came to his legs - he had to. The younger did everything to try to regain his function back as he hit his legs out of frustration, tears appearing in his eyes as he whimpered pathetically, sitting on the ground. His whole body was trembling in fear as he cried for help. He continued chanting for help like a mantra until his throat was scratchy, head ached, and eventually exhaustion caught up after him as he passed out, back pressed against the cold wall, legs stretched out in front him. Once he came to, he was in his bed once more. The babysitter next to his bed patted his head, his food laid out on his desk. " _Oh, Jeonghannie, next time you're tired, at least reach the couch or try your best to go upstairs into your room. Sleeping on the ground could make you sick. I couldn't bear to see you sick,"_ was what she said before stroking his hair, " _Now, eat up. You've been resting for too long! Your father will be home soon!"_ a kiss was placed on his head, and she was gone before he could even rant to her about his legs. Besides, it probably would have been brushed off.

Eventually, his legs began to go back to normal and just in time for school starting again. Jeonghan was nervous. He'd see the people he normally would see, but what if they brought up the incident? No, he didn't want to hear it. Nope, nope! School was the same - being greeted like usual and keeping to himself after. Until a new kid transferred into his class - Seungcheol. They both didn't acknowledged each other  _until_ they were assigned to be desk mates. Eventually the two grew close and became inseparable. Weeks had passed, it was smooth until the Jeonghan's sudden change in behavior. His usual kind attitude was replaced by something grumpy, unusually mean - horrible over all. No one would talk to him after he continued to snap at them and then when Seungcheol brought it up, Jeonghan didn't remember. Just blinked and told Seungcheol he was silly. Instead of brushing it off completely, he stood up from his seat and apologized to the whole class nonetheless. As the school year continued, his memory was horrible. He couldn't remember anything - keep anything in his head so Seungcheol had to help him often.

One day, he was out with his mother and father, they were at the store. Jeonghan loves the store! He was exposed to many colors and new things to entertain him. And if he played his cards right, candy! Footsteps bounding against the tile flooring, he was unsually more excited. Bouncing up and down as he pointed at everything on the shelves. Of course, his parents tried to calm him down - which didn't work so plan B was his father holding him in his arms and just let Jeonghan freely point at things. It was better than him running around the aisle, bumping into people, and grabbing things. Also, it was better to hold him before he was lost. Usually, Jeonghan was so quiet. Having his speech impediment was what restricted him from speaking - it made him embarrassed. But today, it seemed like he didn't care at all. Moments later, his father excused himself to go to the bathroom, leaving his wife to take care of their kid. As they continue to walk, Jeonghan's vision began to blur. Confused, he knew he wasn't crying. With narrowed eyes, he had his hands out to find his mother, mumbling, " _Mama, I can't see.._ " Then, it was like someone was blocking his vision as the darkness grew. " _Jeonghan, no more jokes. Come on, follow me._ " He couldn't see. But he tried his best to follow but only ran into a shopping cart " _Mama?_ " he asked aloud, confused as he felt around the cart. " _Sorry, kid, I'm not your mom._ " The voice was low and it sent shivers down Jeonghan's back. Suddenly, a hand was felt on his shoulder - it wasn't his mother or father. A shrill shriek left his mouth as he backed away, falling on his rear, trying to scoot away. With his mother's familiar embrace, he began to sob. " _Mama? Mama? I can't see, I can't -_ " and he was picked up, taken out of the store once they found his father, their grocery now long forgotten.

Next thing Jeonghan knew, his nose caught the scent of the familiar hospital smell. It smelled bland, boring even. His vision hadn't returned, his mother comforting him the whole ride and he was taken to urgent care. Jeonghan fussed about at the hands that touched him. Since, he couldn't see, he was even more paranoid. A needle was felt in his forearm and he sobbed at the feeling as the substance entered his body, numbing his senses and he was lulled to sleep. As he came to, all he heard was muffled words that cleared after ten minutes. His vision was blurry but returned eventually. His ears piqued at the words. He didn't understand but he questioned it.  _Focal Brain Stem Glioma? Tumor? What is that?_ His mother saw him awake and the conversation diminished as she immediately went to comfort him, " _Am I okay?"_ he asked, " _What's a tumor? It sounds cool though! But I don't know why it's being mean.._ " he trailed off, lips pursed, " _Was I being bad? Don't worry, mama, I'll be good from now on!_ " And her heart broke.

Jeonghan went into treatments two months later. And he hated it. He hated how vulnerable he looked with many things attached to him, how weak he felt, and how he was stuck on the stupid hospital bed. But everyone told him he was lucky he was diagnosed with _Focal Brain Stem Glioma_ , meaning it was more easier to treat rather than _Diffuse Intrinsic Pontine Glioma,_ which was harder to treat. He was barely able to attend school and he missed Seungcheol! He would complain and whine, so his mother caved in and let his friend visit. They were stuck to each other like glue, whenever Seungcheol was free, he would visit. Even on the days Jeonghan was able to go home, Seungcheol would come and sleep over. But on days Seungcheol wasn't over, Jeonghan was left to hear his parents arguing. About him. About the bills. In the midst of his treatment, on his birthday, the day he was able to stay home, his father never came home. For a year and a half, the treatment continued. When it did hit the first year, the cancer was gone but the next half was only for safety measure. He was relieved by it after all. He was basically the same kid he was. He thought that now he was okay, his father would come back. But that was just wishful thinking. 

As time passed, his cancer was long gone. It was as if it never happened. Seungcheol remained by his side, his mother remarried, his father never returned, his older step sister was gone, and he had a younger sister.

As he stood on the edge of the ledge, he was going through a rough patch once he found out his cancer managed to come back, the tumor small, treatable even. But Jeonghan didn't want to go through the terror, didn't want his mother to drown in debt along with his stepfather, who had to worry about the business. He didn't want Jiwoo to cry her eyes out. He didn't want his mother to secretly beg his real father for money because she didn't want to burden his stepfather. Jeonghan couldn't bear to see that. So, next thing he knew, he was on that roof, peering down at Seoul, everything looking smaller in his eyes. He felt big for once - superior even. He enjoyed that feeling but the tipping point? If he fell? He'd grow small again, small enough to disappear. Forgotten. It'd be like another goodbye, but forever. The elder was too drowned in his thoughts, he didn't realize the sound of the heavy, metal door opening. His fingers were grasping onto the fence as his gaze remained glued to the ground.

" _Hey!_ "

At the sound of his voice, Jeonghan barely knew him. It was Hong Jisoo. That new American kid Seungcheol liked to tease. That hype about him was really unneeded once they realized how he was. But that made Jeonghan drawn to him for some reason. But still, he kept to himself unless someone spoke to him. " _I.. I'm gonna come closer.._ " he heard him speak calmly, nodding to himself. His gaze shifted down, " _Shoes off, the laces will get caught_." slowly and cautiously, Jeonghan took off his shoes, he stayed silent before hearing his next words softly, " _Throw your shoes over to me._ " his fingers grasped onto the fence again and threw them over the fence. " _Hook your legs around the railing and start shifting back to the entrance._ " He followed the other's command, just with the fence between them, Jeonghan heard footsteps behind him and noticed he followed his movements to reassure him. Through the entrance, the older male saw his head peek out and an outstretched hand. His warm hand grabbed onto his own tightly and that's when, Jeonghan was pulled to the safe zone. They both fell back, Jisoo on the bottom as he was crushed by the male, his heart pounding rapidly.

He recognized him, he was the new American student; Jisoo was all he knew. He had very graced looks and was absolutely beautiful. That's what he thought. Before he could thank him properly, he was pushed off and he watched as Jisoo ran out the door. He sat there, defeated and cursed at himself silently before standing up, his legs shaking and forced himself to the door before walking down the stairs to only be greeted by Seungcheol. 

And Jeonghan just had to get to know Jisoo.

So, he did.

Tried to break down his walls, notice what's broken about him, and fix him as best as he could so all he could see was smiles from him.

Then, Jeonghan fell in love with him.

Slowly, and then all at once.

He wasn't quite sure what to say - but it was bittersweet. Falling in love with somebody, only to be taken away once more.

\---

Jeonghan awoke, beads of sweat rolling down his face. Throat dry. His breathing was ragged - his lungs contracting painfully as he sat up. He could feel his arms and legs tingling - the numbing feeling returning as he began to panic. Heart pounding as he licked his chapped lips. He moved his legs off the bed, and got up as he ventured his way out of his room. His phone was downstairs, along with his keys. His house was abnormally cold. Flipping the light switch on, he cringed away at the light but made his way towards his stairs. Until his legs collapsed underneath him. With a loud thud, Jeonghan winced at the feeling, mouth falling open as silently cursed. Hearing the door open, he tensed up until he heard the voice, "Hannie?" visibly relaxing, he saw Jiwoo looking at him tiredly, but also concerned, "Why are you on the floor, silly? It's still early too!" 

"Jiwoo, can you do me a favor?"

"What is it?"

"Can you get my phone from downstairs?"

"Downstairs?" she whined and then pouted, "But that's so far!"

" _Please._ "

With that, she complied and bounded down the stairs, careful about her steps. Jeonghan, on the other hand, let his eyes fall shut, relaxing himself. His fingers grasping onto the soft fabric of his sweatpants, and once he heard her steps, going back up the stairs, he heard the familiar jangle of his keys as well. Setting them both down in his hands, she pouted, "Where are you going? Are you gonna visit Shua? I wanna see him too!"

"No, I'm not visiting Shua. Ah, I won't be leaving for too long," a kiss was placed on her cheek, "Go get some rest again, I'm sorry for waking you up."

"Okaaay.." she mumbled and shuffled back into her room.

Once the coast was clear, he shakily went through his contacts and called Seungcheol. "Pick up, pick up.." he mumbled quietly, before sighing in relief as he heard his groggy voice.

"What the hell, Jeonghan? It's 3 AM, I literally just fell asleep." Seungcheol groaned and then just faintly, Jeonghan heard 'W _ho is that?'_  "It's just Jeonghan, go back to sleep, Shua."

Jeonghan sighed deeply, and then mumbled, as if he was ashamed, "I can't feel my legs again," and before he could yell, he continued, "Please, take me to the hospital."

There was rustling.

"Where's your mom?"

"I didn't want to wake her up. Please, hurry. And, don't bring Jisoo along." but the call ended before he could continue.

Minutes passed, it felt like forever until he heard the front door opening. Jeonghan managed to situate himself better, but his head began to pound as it rested against the railing of the stairs. Eyes hazy as he managed to look at Seungcheol. But Jisoo strayed behind him, looking absolutely mortified. But it grew into concern once he winced. A shaky sigh was heard from the second eldest as Seungcheol took the opportunity to pick him up easily. With his face buried in his neck, he couldn't bear look at Jisoo.

\---

Seungcheol concluded his talk with Jisoo an hour before Jeonghan had called. Jisoo sat there quietly, as if he lost his voice. But it was like he couldn't respond. "I know this sounds like I'm putting pressure on you, but.." he trailed off, "I know I've been shitty towards you before but I need you to do a favor." Jisoo looked at him, waiting for him to continue, "He'll only listen to you. So, _please,_ speak to him about it. I've been to a couple of his appointments, they said it's still small, but the tumor's gonna grow, the cancer's gonna spread much more faster than before if he lets it continue. It's still treatable, it's still.." he spoke softly, his voice breaking, "I don't want to lose him," he gasped out, "I just.. I just.. I know I should respect Jeonghan's choice of not taking up the treatment again because he hates being vulnerable but I just can't. I can't live without him.." he murmured miserably,  _"And I'm certain you can't either."_


	17. XVII

It was then that Jisoo woke up to feeling fingers lightly thread through the strands of his hair. His back ached from the position he was in, legs numb - void of feeling, and arms crossed underneath his head. His upper half of his body was hunched over onto the infamous intolerable hospital bed. Though, with the comforting fingers moving through his hair, it didn't feel all that much different from how he's been waking up lately. With him in the elder's embrace, flushed against his skin, no gap in sight, sometimes a hand up his shirt to rub his back comfortably, or like now - run his fingers through his hair. But it dawned upon him once he heard the soft, yet irritating beeping of the monitor. the smell of anesthetics filling up his senses, and the bright light that shined against his closed eyelids, that ruined his sleep entirely. Slowly, his eyes fluttered open, wincing away from the bright light for a moment, then blinking the sleep away. The hand ceased stroking his hair for a moment and then continued, languidly running his fingers softly against the strands, dragging it out as he tugged loosely at the end of the strands. Before he could even look at Jeonghan, his gaze flitted over to the couch in the room, seeing Seungcheol half hanging off of it, mouth wide open as his limbs were spread out. soft snores eliciting from his mouth. Besides the beeping from the monitors, that was all Jisoo was able to hear. Feeling the pads of his fingers brush lightly against his cheekbones and traced his jawline, he shivered at the feeling, goosebumps appearing on his arm. It now just hit him how cold the room became. He could feel the light draft from the vent above, the chilly air circulating around the air and moving up his thin white t-shirt. "Shua," Jeonghan's tone was light, comforting, maybe even worried. He wasn't quite sure why he was worried. _Shouldn't it be vice versa?_ Neglecting his thoughts, his chin was caught in between his index finger and thumb gently, turning his head to look at him. 

As his head turned, he was met with Jeonghan's usual warm gaze, a small smile playing on his pink lips. His face was pale - he looked absolutely exhausted. There was dark circles under his eyes, yet they weren't as prominent, indicating it was just forming once more. Lifting his hand up, his thumb brushed lightly against his cheekbone, as if he was examining him. His feline-like eyes staring at him, blankly, worrying the elder once more but he didn't question it. Instead leaning into his touches, cheek brushing lightly against his hand before turning his head, nuzzling his face into his warm hand that was held out just for him. Only for him. It was silent for a moment, Jeonghan keeping his face pressed against his hand and Jisoo staring at him idly, Seungcheol's snoring and even the beeping from the monitor were no longer annoying him - instead, it was drowned out. It was muffled as he was sucked into his thoughts. _How was I supposed to approach him?_ He also wasn't quite sure what happened - this morning? All he recalled was Seungcheol picking Jeonghan up and they were off to the hospital. After that, it was a blur. Perhaps it was filled with a long waiting time. Maybe fast. Jeonghan was gone before he knew it. And once more, he was right besides him as the elder slept peacefully, the doctor's saying he should be awake soon. Jisoo glued himself to his spot, holding his hand but managed to let sleep take him and that was that. ".. How are you?" he finally spoke, tone hushed even, shooting a glance at Seungcheol's sleeping figure for a moment. "Are you feeling better? Do you need anything? Do you need me to call the nurse? Do y-"

"Shua," Jeonghan mused, taking Jisoo's hand in his, playing with his fingers for a moment and then twining their fingers together, squeezing his hand, "I'm fine, don't be such a worrywart." a quiet chuckle was heard from him, "Do  _you_ need anything?" his eyebrows were quirked up in amusement.

_I need you to listen to me - to everyone, and get better._

Was what he wanted to say.

But he couldn't, the atmosphere felt delicate enough and he wasn't quite sure how he was going to talk to him - afraid he'll push the wrong buttons.

"Nothing, I don't need anything," he paused and then clucked his tongue, "Are you sure you don't need anything? I can get the nur-"

"Christ, no, don't ever get the nurse." Jeonghan breathed out, shaking his head quickly and then mumbled, "I could rest though."

"Then, rest. I'll be quiet."

"You know I love hearing you talk." then a soft sigh was heard, "As much as I want to, that's all I've been doing the last few days and shocking news - I'm getting tired of it. I want to spend as much time as I can with you."

Without thinking, he whispered, barely audible, "Why does it sound like you're going to leave soon?" but Jeonghan caught it.

A sad smile was on his lips, Jisoo just wanted to wipe it off. He never wanted to see that on Jeonghan ever again. It wasn't fair. He wanted him happy - like how he made him happy but he felt utterly useless. Instead, he bumped their foreheads against each other gently, opening his mouth to say something but no words came out. "Jisoo." he hummed and then felt a light tug on his hand, causing him to look at their hands for a moment, "Lay down with me, I want to cuddle."

"Is that okay? Am I allowed to?"

"It's not like you're gonna harm me." 

Another tug.

Reluctantly, Jisoo let his hand go and climbed onto the hospital bed, Jeonghan shifting over. The soft creaking was heard as Jisoo situated himself into Jeonghan's embrace. His own arms wrapped around the elder's abdomen tightly, face pressed against his chest as he tangled their legs gently together, halting for a moment and then earned a soft squeeze from Jeonghan to continue - and so he did. Becoming entirely tangled up in him. With the arm around him, he was pulled much closer - flushed against his body. Jisoo's cheek was now pressed against his chest, listening to the comforting sound of his heart beating against his chest. His eyes kept closing, slowly, but jolting awake every time he caught himself falling asleep until he felt the same fingers run through his chestnut hair in a comforting away and Jeonghan's quiet voice, murmuring, "Go ahead and rest more, Shua, I'll wake you up." 

And so he did.

\---

Soft voices were heard. Yet, they were muffled. By the sounds of it, they were arguing. It was hush - but each punctuated word to get their words across were evident.  _"Jeonghan, you better tell your damn mom about this. I get calls from her - wondering if you're sneaking off! She knows you're not with Joshua either._ " it was silent and then he heard his voice,  _"Seungcheol, I can't risk breaking her heart all over again. Look at me now. If I do go through treatment again, there's a likely chance I won't survive. It came back_ again  _and it's even worst. I'm at a risk either way. There's no point in wasting money on someone who's already dying. I don't wanna be strapped up in some goddamn machine again, sick, pale, dying, and having to rely on everyone again."_ Some shuffling and eventually the chair was kicked, "Dude, Shua's sleeping. Be a loud ass somewhere else," Jeonghan seethed, irritation dripping off his tone as he moved his hand down to rub his back in a comforting manner. Jisoo would be lying if he said he didn't melt into his touch right away.  _"You're not gonna survive on those fucking suppressant or whatever that shit is they are giving to you. You know it doesn't work like that. There's still a chance. Jeonghan, please, please,_ please _, take the offer. It's worth trying out again."_

_"No."_

_"So, are you just gonna leave me behind?"_

_"Seungcheol, that's not fa-"_

_"You're going to leave Jisoo behind too?"_

Silence.

 _"God, you're_ still _selfish as ever, Yoon Jeonghan. I thought you changed, I thou-"_

_"You must have thought too highly of me. I'm still the same selfish, jackass you grew up with, huh?"_

Jisoo shifted and the conversation was halted. Some shuffling was heard, and a soft grumble that sounded like ' _I'm gonna get food',_ and the door was slammed shut. Opening his eyes, Jeonghan looked at the door longingly, as if he wanted to say something and then sighed deeply, his eyes falling shut for a moment and then opening, his gaze flickering down towards Jisoo, a forced smile on his lips, "Hey, sunshine." he spoke teasingly, "Feel well rested now?"

He could only nod his head slowly.

A chaste kiss was placed on his lips - short and sweet. "Seungcheol went to get food. Should be back soon and then we can leave."

"Ah, really? I'm certain you're excited."

"Of course. I get to leave these cramped up space and spend the rest of the day with you."

"Yeah?" Jisoo yawned and nodded his head, mumbling sleepily, "That sounds nice."

A soft hum was heard from Jeonghan and then silence took over once more. Jisoo licked his lips as he thought of their conversation. An approach was what he needed. But his fear somehow always grasped onto him. "Jeonghan," he mumbled out, "Can we talk?"

"We're already talking," he simpered, before continuing, "I'm all ears, babe."

"About all this," he paused, and then looked up to him, "I  _want_ you to get treatment." 

A groan was heard, "Not you too. You both are so draining, I swear."

"But Jeonghan-"

"No but's."

Jisoo felt frustrated with Jeonghan's attitude. How he waved it off as if it was nothing. How he continously neglected the fact that he was  _dying._ At the thought of that, the latter could feel tears well up in his eyes as he tried to hold them in, the back of his throat burning. How his fingers clenched into fists, his knuckles turning into a pale white. "It's still treatable, Hanni-"

"It may be, but what am I supposed to do when it turns out it's not treatable. The cancer spreads and I die either way. Now, drop this, Jisoo. I don't want to talk about it anymore."

"Why are you acting like this?!" Jisoo shot up from his spot, some of his tears falling, staining Jeonghan's shirt a darker color, "I just want you to get better, so does Seungcheol. That's all we want but all you're doing is acting like an.. An  _asshole_ about it! As if you truly don't care. Do you not care about my feelings? Jeonghan, I've been so happy ever since I met you, but now, just thinking one day you'll be.. g-gone, I can't.. I don't want to think about it. The way you're acting now, it's not who you usually are. Y-You promised, I-I promised.. That night.. In Daegu, we wouldn't leave each other? I'm _never_ going to broke my promise, but are you?" Jisoo choked on his sobs, tears continuously falling until he became an incoherent mess. Eyes red, tear stained cheeks, and voice cracking. His forehead was now pressed against Jeonghan's chest, as he mumbled out pathetically, "I just want to be selfish for once and want you to get better. I don't care about your decision - I don't agree with it. I don't like the idea of you giving up so easily. If you don't go through with the treatment, then fine. I'll act like you aren't dying - like you're not gonna leave, like you told me you wouldn't." his body shook, unable to control his words. His breathing was ragged and once he heard the door open and Seungcheol's steps halting, he got off the bed and walked out, brushing past Seungcheol, their shoulders brushing as he heard his name being called.

He wanted to be the last one speaking after all. 

\---

Jisoo was planning to just stop right outside of the hospital and wait out there until they both came out. Probably arguing. But somehow, he managed to walk ways from the hospital, down the busy street. Of course, he was cold. The one summer day that's absolutely shitty. A bit foggy but incredibly cloudy, the sun wasn't even able to peek through the plush, white clouds. He just needed to clear his head for a bit longer. But that 'bit longer' turned into an extended period of time as he wounded up in a cafe. The warm air nipped at his frozen cheeks and exposed arms. He was indeed still wearing a thin, white cotton t-shirt with sweatpants, complimented with his favorite converses. The bells chimed, indicating his entrance but he quickly blended into the crowd of people, ready to get their morning coffee. Instead of lining up, he pushed through the crowd and slid into the booth. His head throbbed from crying, heart continued to race as anxiety filled his body, and yet, he didn't make a move to calm himself down. Bringing his legs up to his chest, he hugged them close to his body, believing in the makeshift warmth it would provide him as his cheek was pressed against the top of his knees. His phone was ringing non-stop in his pocket, annoying his alone time. 

As his eyes fell shut once his phone finally stopped ringing. Then the bells rang again and hurried footsteps made its way towards him and he glanced up, expecting Jeonghan and Seungcheol but was met by Hansol's worried gaze, "Josh," he sighed in relief, "Both Seungcheol and Jeonghan have been calling me nonstop about you going missing. And your clothes," his protective side managed to kick in - as he shrugged off his coat, putting it around Jisoo's shoulders, "Aren't you glad we had that tracking app?" he tried to make light of the situation as he tugged Jisoo out from the booth, in which the elder almost collapsed down onto the ground, his legs giving up on him - exhausted. Yet, he could feel his tears falling down numbly. Hansol, unsure of what to do, wrapped one arm around him as he guided him out, and into the car. The younger sat there in silence with his friend as his tears continued to fall. "He'll get better." Hansol said softly as he started the car, "I'm sure he will."

But wishful thinking only got them so far.

Once Hansol pulled up to Seungcheol's apartment, he guided Jisoo, careful of his steps, not wanting to push the elder. Relief washed over him as they made it to the door safely, unlocking the door and walking in. It was silent - indicating the two haven't made it back, even though he called minutes before he even entered the cafe. He walked to Jisoo's room and set him down on the bed, tucking him into the sheets. Jisoo laid there silently for a moment and then closed his eyes once the back of Hansol's hand was pressed against his forehead, "You're burning up." he tsked and made his way out of the room, just in time to hear footsteps bustling in.

Jisoo turned onto his side, back facing the door stubbornly as he shut his eyes. His door was opened once more and then shut, his footsteps soft. The bed dipped as he got on top of it, the shuffling of sheets being heard. Slowly, but unsurely, arms were wrapped around his waist, pulling him closer, "Shua," the elder murmured, nudging the back of his head with his nose gently before burying his face into his hair, "Shuaaa..." he drawled on, his warm hands moving up his shirt, feeling his icy cold skin, "I know you're mad at me and I can't just apologize like that. I'm a jackass, I know." Jeonghan mumbled and then rubbed smooth circles on his stomach, "You're so cold," he sighed, now frowning against the nape of his neck. "Can you face me? Please?" Jisoo was still for a moment and then slowly turned around to face him, shifting as he got comfortable.

His face was flushed, a light shade of pink that grew darker over the time. Annoyance was evident on his face but it was quickly overthrown once Jeonghan's hand was pressed against his forehead. "My poor baby is coming down with a fever," he cooed softly, brushing his bangs away, exposing his forehead as he placed a gentle kiss on his forehead, "I'll take care of you."

Jeonghan pushed himself off the bed, and walked to Jisoo's dresser, grabbing a new pair of sweatpants and a hoodie - which was his originally. Walking back to the bed, he sat down and beckoned Jisoo to do the same. Begrudgingly, he sat up. Jeonghan's hands dipped into his shirt as he looked at him for permission to undress him - he felt his cheeks heat up, and no, it wasn't quite from the fever but he could blame it on that now as he lifted his arms up. His shirt was off in a matter seconds and was replaced by the warm hoodie. Jeonghan's fingers grasped onto the hem of his sweatpants, tugging them down. Though it was a struggle, it was discarded and was replaced with a new one. Jisoo, now bundled into the warmth of his new clothes, laid back down and Jeonghan laid besides him, bringing him closer as he covered them both with the sheets.

His palm was pressed against Jisoo's cheek, the silence covering them for the rest of the day.


	18. XVIII

The sound of the chair screeching against the floor caught Jisoo's attention, it was for the nth time he had heard it since they got in the bookstore, deciding to settle in the cafe room they had. The way Jeonghan would hold onto his hand or search for the skinship that Jisoo barely returned, since he was more focused on their essay. It had to be perfect after all - they could get their final waived if it's a high score! Of course, Jisoo just had to snatch that opportunity. He had finished minutes before and was in the process of revising it. His gaze quickly shifting over to the elder, watching him glumily tear a piece of the sandwich off and then angrily eating it, as he chewed bitterly, gaze settled on the people around the room. Raising one eyebrow, Jisoo shook it off for a moment, looking back down at Jeonghan's laptop, continuing to re-edit what they had. The pages seemed endless and Jisoo certainly did feel like a try hard for once in his life. Underneath the table, he could feel Jeonghan brushing their legs together, but also a deep sigh eliciting from his mouth. Bringing his attention back to the big baby in front of him, he grabbed Jeonghan's hand from mutilating the sandwich any further. The sandwich did not look like the original display at all anymore, instead it was just a mush with the tomatoes and lettuce slipping out from the middle. "Are you okay?" Jisoo asked carefully, rubbing his thumb gently on top of his hand, "Are you feeling sick or something..?" A grumble. An incoherent grumble before he saw a pink hue dusting along Jeonghan's cheek. "Huh?"

Jeonghan huffed lightly and laced their fingers together, moving both their hands side to side, "Did we have to go out?"

"Sorry, was it a bad idea?"

"No, I mean, I like going out with you," he fumbled on his words, "But.." trailing off, he whined childishly, "Shua, you're getting cuter everyday and people keep looking at you! What am I supposed to do? How do I get them to  _not_ look at you? Do I tell them you're mine or... Because I'm ready to announ-"

His face heated up at his words as he squeezed Jeonghan's hand and shook his head, "No, no, you don't have to do that." Jisoo choked on his words, embarrassed once Jeonghan made a move to stand up but he quickly tugged him back down as he leaned over the table and pecked his lips lovingly before letting his hands go, lowering his head to finish their essay as the elder smiled,  _slyly._

Minutes of silence filled the two, Jeonghan's small movements finally stopping after that kissed. Instead, he went to study for his remaining finals he decided to take earlier than everyone else. And well, Jisoo felt pity for that and couldn't disturb him. Minutes turned into hours and Jisoo was finally finished. All he had to do was print it. Due to his paranoia, he saved it for the fifth time, looking it over for typos or anything and then saving it for the sixth time, as he shut the laptop carefully. Jeonghan looked up once he heard it close and murmured, "Done? Are we gonna head to Seungcheol's or mine?"

"Your place is fine."

By the time they got home, it was already eventful.

"Ugh, get out of here, you weirdo!" Jeonghan groaned as he tried to shut his bedroom door, "Let me spend time with _my_ boyfriend!" 

"I'm  _not_ weird! If I'm weird, then you are too!"

"Okay, well, Shua still likes me!" he stuck his tongue out, almost mockingly and then placed his finger on Jiwoo's forehead, pushing her out and shut the door, locking it. Jisoo, who was already laying down, looked at him oddly as he shuffled under the covers and immediately snaked his arms around his waist, pulling him flush against his body, humming happily. 

"You know I don't mind her staying in the room with us."

"I want it to be us for now," he murmured, burying his face into his hair, and then sighing, "I think.. I'll take up the treatment."

A soft gasp escaped Jisoo's mouth without him noticing. He could feel his bottom lip trembling before inhaling and then exhaling, calming his nerves. ".. Really?"

".. Yes." Jeonghan said softly, almost scared, "Will you visit me?"

"Of course, I would!" Jisoo spoke, almost immediately and then cleared his throat, "I will, I will." 

He chuckles. A soft, delicate chuckle that warmed Jisoo's heart. "Good, but before I leave.." he paused, and then placed a kiss on Jisoo's forehead, "After I finish up my finals and get readmitted, I wanna take you out." he seemed to brighten at the idea, "Just a fun, little date. Something not school related - dear God, no. I want to take more pictures with you and make more memories." 

"That.. That sounds good." he spoke tenderly, nodding his head with a small smile, "We can do that. Just tell me when."

\---

A few days had passed, Jisoo printed out their essay, fixed up their board with the polaroid pictures, some blurbs underneath the polaroids. Jeonghan, of course had helped before continuing to study. By the time Jisoo turned it in, Jeonghan had already finished one of his finals and had one left. The elder had a strong faith in their project to get it waived entirely and Jisoo just hoped he was right. 

Currently, he was on the ground, a yellow crayon in his hand as he began to color in the sun on the coloring book page, Jiwoo besides him, with her own coloring book. Jeonghan had invited him over to play with Jiwoo while he studied. Though, he was on the couch, near them, Jiwoo didn't bother him at all now that Jisoo was with them. _Beauty and The Beast_ was playing in the background, Jiwoo's dolls scattered along the floor with pieces of their clothes also littered around. Some of her stuff animals even made it on the couch, surrounding Jeonghan. In which the elder just hugged them loosely as he laid over most of them, some of the buttons digging through the fabric of his clothing and onto his skin. 

Earlier, Jeonghan made the remark about how she constantly played _Beauty and The Beast_ and should probably put on a new movie or show, but there he was, singing out every song that came up.

Jeonghan got a tattoo from her with her red, cherry scented marker, on his arm, and it said, ' _U R STOOPID'_ and an angry frowny face. 

To say, Jisoo got a picture of that as well.

\---

Jisoo wasn't exactly fond of finals, like everyone else. The once clean sheet would soon be filled with pencil led smudges and crossing out of characters. He thought it was a curse. Yes, a messy, full of scribbled sheet would always be turned in and Jisoo just had to suck up his embarrassment as he turns it in. Or, try to wait til' someone else gets up and he can rush to the front, put it down first so the other person would but their exam on top of his. It was a classic trick from the book. It was how he survived all these educational years. The past few days have been exam prep, but overlapping into next week, was when his was beginning.

It was the night before Jeonghan had to take his last exam. He decided to stay over at Seungcheol and Jisoo's apartment. Hours before, Jisoo sent the elder into his room to sleep early so he was prepped for tomorrow. With that, it left Jisoo and Seungcheol to lounge in the living room for a couple more hours, Jisoo putting on his favorite show and Seungcheol just watching as he played on his phone as well. _Quite the multitasker_ , he noted. 

Once the two deemed that they were tired, they turned the TV off, bid each other goodnight, and went their separate ways.

Furrowing his eyebrows,  Jisoo saw his bedroom light on underneath his door. He watched as the light seeped out into the hallway. Hesitating in front of his door, he grasped onto the knob and eventually turned it and opened the door. There, he saw Jeonghan sitting on the bed, staring at the wall absentmindedly. He noticed the way his body shifted to the side upon hearing the door but remained unfazed. "Jeonghan?" a hushed tone, almost cautious as he stepped in farther, shutting the door gently behind him, "Can't sleep?"

A soft hum - low and quiet.

His gaze remained on the wall, face void of emotions. Jisoo followed his gaze, almost fearfully but didn't see anything. Until he stood in front of him, Jeonghan's focus on the wall was broken. Looking at his chest instead, blinking a few times. "Are you okay?" he tried once more before delicately brushing his hand along his cheek. Jeonghan jolted away from his touch immediately, eyes widening in fear for a moment before relaxing as he stared at his hand inattentively. Suddenly, Jisoo waved his hand in front of him - and he didn't flinch. "C-Can you.." the younger choked on his words as he leaned down onto his knees, now sitting in front of the elder as he watched him flicker his gaze from side to side - panicked, ".. See?"

"I  _can_ see." his voice was low, aggravated even, "Yes, I  _can_ see. I'm  _not_ blind, Shua."

"I wasn't saying that, I just.." he paused, looking him worriedly, "I just, Jeonghan, where is my hand right now?"

"To the left of me."

False - it was back down by his side. 

"Right," said Jisoo softly, before gnawing on his bottom lip, his teeth piercing through the skin of it, pain searing along his lip. Quickly, he stopped and raised his hand, curling it around the back of his neck, bringing him closer. He could feel Jeonghan trembling in his embrace, his hands grasped tightly at the back of his shirt, the collar of his shirt chaffing against his neck - but he remained quiet. 

"I can see," he simpered out meekly, his forehead pressed against his shoulder as tears eventually dampened the fabric of his shirt. "I can see." he repeated. 

Fingers began to thread through his hair gently, in a comforting way as he cooed soothing words to him. "I'm right here." he hummed, "Shua's here."

"Shua's here." he repeated, nodding  _desperately,_ grip tightening on his shirt, threatening to tear the fabric. "He's here. You are here." repeating those words like a mantra, he began to sob, "I-I know my eyes a-are open but I j-just, I can't s-see. I-It's so d-dark, Shua. It's so-.." a broken wail. A broken hymn. 

Slowly and carefully, he began to lay Jeonghan down, laying besides him soon after. Cupping his cheeks, he rubbed the tears away with his thumbs, the trail of tears that streaked down his cheeks remained. His waterline was red, irritated. The whites of his eyes were a soft pink color, his long eyelashes damp, heavy. Pressing his forehead against his, he murmured, "You're gonna be okay, Hannie. It'll be okay. It's okay. Just.." he trailed off, unsure of what to say. What to  _do_ even. "Do you want me to get Seungcheol and we can go to the ho-"

"No!" Jeonghan shouted abruptly, fear lacing his very tone as more tears fell. His bottom lip trembled, eyes misty with tears as he began to panic, "No, I don't-" his breathing was ragged. Rushed. It was scary to see how much he was panicking. How much he was suffering. And it hurt Jisoo. 

_I'm so sorry._

"Okay, okay." Jisoo tried his best to calm him down, holding him close. His arms around him protectively. A deep sigh escaping his mouth, "Okay." he repeated again, softly, "We won't go." 

Jisoo stayed awake until Jeonghan fell asleep, and hours after that, he was still awake, watching over Jeonghan.

\---

Jisoo sat on the counter, Seungcheol next to him, in front of the stove. A pan that was currently going through an absolute war with the food he was trying to cook. Jisoo was not only the instructor, but the moral support. At this point, he was just encouraging him to keep trying. Surprisingly, there just wasn't a burnt smell wafting through the air quite yet. How it all began? Seungcheol wanted to do something nice and make dinner for the two of them for once, proclaiming that he learned during the weeks he had been over and taking care of him. Jisoo, being the saint he was, accepted the offer and now was watching him half burn the food but the other side being perfectly fine. 

The sound of the door opening piqued Jisoo's interest to look over at the entryway of the kitchen, patiently waiting for whoever was coming in. The back of his feet kicked gently at the cabinet below as Jeonghan walked in, exhausted. Fatigue was evident in his body with every step he took. He sniffed at the air and his expression immediately turned disgusted but quickly hid it as he sent a smile to his childhood best friend who waved innocently. The elder shuffled in between Jisoo's legs, resting his head in the crook of his neck, whining. "That final exam really messed my head up. It's basically fried right now." 

The younger let out a laugh, running his fingers through his blond hair. "The poor baby." he cooed, "But it's over, isn't it?"

"Fortunately," he grumbled, arms wrapped around his waist, "And I'm taking you out on a date tomorrow."

"Tomorrow?" Jisoo mused, "Alright. I'm excited."

Seungcheol looked at them with a pleased smile.

Jeonghan had a cute, happy smile fixated on his face.

And Jisoo was undeniably happy, despite the burning smell that began to now waft through the air. 

But also after dinner, that Jisoo ended up cooking, no one knew why Seungcheol and Jeonghan both pinned down Jisoo so Jeonghan could change his cartilage piercing into the cross they bought months ago - in which, he could have just  _asked._

\---

"Hannie, I'm  _not_ wearing that."

"It's a couple shirt!" 

In front of him was a shirt that said  _If lost, return to his boyfriend, Yoon Jeonghan_ and the other also had a pair that said the same thing - but with his name. His face heated up at the idea of it and groaned gently. Jeonghan's grin never wavered as he waved their shirts around, almost mockingly. Amusement was evident in his eyes as he backed the younger up until he fell on top of the bed. Jeonghan quickly straddled his waist, removing his shirt and forced the new one on, despite his weak protests. Of course, they were getting ready for their date and Jeonghan just had to bring these shirts with him. 

But it looked cute on Jisoo, that's what counted, right? The latter glared up at him, as he fiddled with the hem of the white shirt. Jeonghan was absolutely pleased. Proud even as he snapped a picture.

"Do I  _have_ to?" Jisoo tried once more.

"Yes."

"What if I just hold your hand throughout the whole day?" he bargained, resisting the urge to smile as Jeonghan began to think about that proposal.

"With kisses?"

"With kisses."

"Hmph, deal."

And Jisoo almost cried tears of happiness. 

The two settled on going to the aquarium, Jisoo's choice, and then out for dinner after. It was like a mini road trip again, though the awkward, tense silence was no where to be found this time around. Instead, it was filled with laughter and Jisoo recording or taking pictures of Jeonghan on his phone. Jeonghan, upset he didn't have any pictures of Jisoo, protested and then swore he was going to take a bunch at the aquarium.

In which he did.

He didn't care if his photo album was filled with only him - he was just absolutely adorable.

And he just appreciates and loves him in every way. 

As Jisoo promised, he held Jeonghan's hand throughout the day, leading him around excitedly. Jisoo represented a kid and Jeonghan was looking at him with so much fondness, it was blinding to people around them. His free hand was pressed against the glass tank, face almost pressed up against it, eyes widening with amazement. A  _squeal_ elicited from his mouth as a sting ray swam by.

"Jisoo," Jeonghan sang softly, gaining his attention to be met face to face with the camera. He whined and tried to shove it away, the lenses still seeing him through the gaps of his fingers. "My cute baby boy." he teased as the video ended.

Jisoo, embarrassed, shook his head and began to lead him elsewhere, but of course, he first leaned up and pressed a chaste kiss on his lips. Fulfilling his promise once more - in where Jeonghan said ' _After each tank, I'm getting a kiss'_

Their adventure continued, Jisoo's excitement never faltering. Jeonghan enjoyed being out with him, It was like he saw a new side of his boyfriend and just learning more about him made the elder happy. 

As the two exited the aquarium, Jeonghan spoke, "Do I get to know why you chose the aquarium?"

Rubbing at the nape of his neck, he responded sheepishly, "Back in LA, my parents took me once when I was younger and I absolutely  _adored_ it. But since I was kind of - 'sick', my parents never really took me out anywhere unless it was important and that kind of routine continued as I grew older and I kinda missed it. It's nice knowing I still have the same adrenaline rush from it."

"LA.. Do you miss it?"

".. Everyday." the atmosphere was delicate between them, Jisoo swinging their hands back and forth, "I miss the beach, I miss my old friends, and I miss everything about LA, honestly. I kind of had more freedom there in some way but meeting you guys made me happy as well."

"Would you ever want to go back?"

"Yeah, I think, I would like to go back." then an idea popped up in his head, "Maybe, after graduation, all of us, the whole group and everything, can save up and go on a trip to my hometown." a smile began to grow on his face, "Wouldn't that be fun? I'll even take you to the aquarium there." he teased, nudging his side.

"A trip to LA? We would all have to learn English," a loud sigh, "I can't bullshit my way through this now, and the others can't either." he pouted, "It sounds like a fun trip, with the others. I think we should do it. Guess you and Vernon are going to be our teachers then."

"But of course!" it was silent between them for a moment before Jisoo let his hand go and stuck out his pinky, "Promise?"

A forced, small smile was on Jeonghan's lips, his eyes fixated on his pinky as he lifted his hand up. 

_Would it be okay to make an empty promise?_

Slowly, he hooked their pinkies together.

_Just this once, Jeonghan wanted to live._

"I promise." lacing their fingers together, he guided him to his car, "We'd have to tell the others then. But right now, I'm kind of hungry." the elder grinned at him and then leaned in, placing a kiss on his cheek this time, "Also add the pictures to my Shua album." 

_Maybe the promise wasn't so empty._

As Jeonghan's gaze flitted towards Jisoo as he continued to talk about the marine animals, he laughed sincerely.

_A promise was a promise after all._


	19. XIX

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> LONG CHAPTER AHEAD ! READ A/N AT THE END ! THANK YOU FOR READING !

It wasn't all that easy.

Not at all.

Having to stand there as his boyfriend broke the news to his mother about his illness returning. The soft, awkward laughter that filled the air and eventually the words that fell from her lips ranged along ' _This is some joke, right? Sweetheart, I've had a long day and I don't have time for jokes - not jokes like this'_ And no matter what he would say, the house soon was filled with back and forth bantering about it not being real, that he was okay, and there was nothing wrong with him in the first place. That he was still her healthy, sweet little boy. One that wasn't suffering in any which way. How Jisoo had to stand there and continue watching, because Jeonghan wouldn't let him intervene. How his mother's body continued to shake as tears fell down from her rosy cheeks, mouth covered as ragged sobs were muffled. Now, that left Jeonghan to comfort her - his embrace tight, comforting, but also shaky. Trembling. His grip remained the same, afraid she would slip right through his fingers from heartache. Jisoo just could only watch. Observe like he always did. The mother and son embrace - a sight all too foreign for him, but the evident warmth that radiated from it, he felt it. It made him feel.. Lonesome. For his own mother. His pitiful mother he left. His pitiful father that didn't want to stay around anymore. Jisoo never realized he was alone until he saw this. Felt the empty pit in his stomach that soon made him nauseous. 

It wasn't until Jeonghan was readmitted into the hospital a few days later. Rushed away before Jisoo could say goodbye. But did he want to say goodbye? He felt like if he did, it'd be the last time he'd ever be able to say it. Visitng was possible and he promised but.. Jisoo wouldn't be able to handle it. It was like that. At one minute, he was in Jeonghan's embrace, and the next minute, he was cold, vulnerable, and empty. The smell of iodoform from the hospital invaded his senses, but this time, it grew stronger with every frustrating minute that passed by as he left Seungcheol outside, waiting. The older male already said his goodbyes and best wishes, and couldn't handle it another time. They all promised they wouldn't visit until sometime after finals - a small treat to thieir achievement. And how could they ever deny Jeonghan's words?

But Jisoo wasn't ready to go, not yet.

Was it the longing feeling or the dreading feeling that held him back?

He wasn't quite sure, but feeling the warm hand on his shoulder, and Seungcheol's soft voice was muffled, as he was tugged out of the hospital, promises having been left behind. 

As he dedicated his free time to studying, there was an annoying feeling at the back of his mind as his hand strayed to the pads of sticky notes and notecards he left all piled around. Often, his notes would go astray, totally irrelevant towards the topic. Whether it was about his personal life or just an entirely different topic, the sticky notes and notecards had _many_ things crossed out and his OCD managed to sink in as he crushed it into a ball and threw it down on their once clean floor. Unconsciously, on the side of his paper, Jeonghan's name would somehow be printed there neatly before scribbled out in frustration. Moments passed before his forehead was pressed against the table, he lamented, brooding silently as his hands stayed on his lap numbly - as if the time was frozen right there. Withdrawal wasn't okay. It wasn't healthy. Not at all. But, all Jisoo could do was blame it on the stress of Jeonghan being in the hospital - instead of blaming it on the feeling of missing him. 

Two days before his exam, Jisoo looked ahead of him - the hospital that loomed over him without mercy. A building that held so much grief but also happiness. A building that was entirely dangerous. His hands scrambled up to his backpack straps, gripping them tightly, feeling the soft, spongey texture crushed between his hands, the subtle  _crunch_ noise emitting from it. 

A shallow exhale.

An abrupt push against his shoulder as someone - possibly a victim's family member - rushed inside through the double glass doors with tears streaking down their face.

Stumbling forth, the toes of his shoes supporting his weight until he pushed himself back down to the soles of his feet. With that, he walked into the hospital, the strong scent of iodoform wafting into his senses once more.

A gentle knock, his other hand limply grasping onto the door handle.  _Come in._ Was what he heard faintly as he hesitantly opened the door, his gaze instantly settling onto Jeonghan who had a photo album on his lap, in the midst of having an inner conflict between two polaroid pictures he wanted to insert inside on of the pockets. Pictures littered the hospital bed, and Jeonghan seemed at ease - tired, but at ease. Finally, the elder looked up and shut the album immediately, lifting his blanket to cover the photos that were not hidden. 

On the chair besides him, was two other photo albums - old but well kept and Jisoo recognized them from whenever he visited their house. Family photo albums that his mother would whip out whenever Jeonghan was upstairs getting ready, napping, or just not in the room. 

Amusement filled the elder's features as he raised one eyebrow, "If I recall, I'm sure you have another final soon. Wasn't our deal til' after your finals you can visit?" then a sullen expression filled his face as he muttered lowly, "Right? I can't seem to remember that well.. Haha."

A wince. He waved off his words as he sat grabbed the albums off the chair and sat down, letting them rest on his lap as his backpack dug into the small of his back. "Ended up coming here unconsciously," he admitted sheepishly, "Did I interrupt something?"

"No, not at all." 

A tight lipped smile - entirely force as he continued to keep the front Jisoo was entirely used to. His pink lips much more prominent on his now pale skin. The bags under his eyes grew darker, eyes slightly droopy from the medication. He really did seem vulnerable but he would never utter those words as the silence between them was filled with the quiet beeping from the monitor. 

"You know.." Jeonghan began, looking at Jisoo for a moment, gaining the younger's attention, "Just because I said for you guys to focus on your finals, doesn't mean you  _can't_ text me. You guys are dead silent, I'm worrying a bit." he rubbed the nape of his neck sheepishly, a pink hue dusting his cheekbones, "I miss talking to you and all that.. It'd be nice to see a good morning or just a regular update from you, Shua." he thrummed, leaning over and grabbing one of Jisoo's hands.

Jeonghan was cold.

But Jeonghan was still worried even if his health was deteroiating. 

 _I'm_   _worrying ~~a bit~~  a lot. _

Jisoo wanted to say those words, let them fall from his mouth without thinking but instead, he slotted their fingers, squeezing his hand, "I've been studying. Been entirely focused on my finals that I actually haven't been picking up my phone." a kiss on his knuckle that left a burning feel to it. "I'm sorry," he choked out, his lungs tightening, heart racing as he felt guilt seep into him. His vision blurred, eyes misty and the elder caught on. It wasn't like that at all. He just  _couldn't_ bring himself to do it. To interact with Jeonghan. 

"Hey, hey, nothing to cry over." Jeonghan said urgently before letting his hand go, moving the photos out of the way and tugged the younger onto the bed.

"Is this allowed?" Jisoo intercepted, finding a safe place for the albums and discarding his bag quickly.

"Are you really asking that now?" the elder mused - eyes twinkling with new found amusement, "I missed you. Like a lot. So, they are going to have to deal with it unless they want me to be grumpy like the first day. Wasn't all that pretty at all." obliging, he climbed onto the bed, careful of the wires as he manuevered his way underneath them and hugging the elder tightly, nose buried into the crook of his neck as he took in his musky scent that he missed. Bathed in the warmth of his embrace. Hands were on his hips, fingers dipped into the inside of his shirt, the pads of his fingers bringing the cold in. "Much better."

Jisoo laughs - short and sweet. Tender and delicate, accomodating towards the atmosphere. 

The soft buzzing noise from Jeonghan's phone was heard, disturbing their moment together and Jeonghan ignored it. Instead, a frown etched onto his lips, "You would think that girl would give up when you completely ignore any sort of communication with her," an irritated huff, "Hate my dad so much. Doesn't even know his son is on his death bed at this point." 

The younger tensed slightly at his words, as he wracked his head for the said girl. _The one his father forced him to talk to?_ That's what he was assuming. It's been quite a while and Jisoo let it drift away from his head, since Jeonghan already explained himself. That was enough. But with his father? He only saw a glimpse of his real father. He's heard the stories. Jisoo wasn't particularly fond of him but the words stung. 

"Whatever, he'll forget about messaging me soon enough. Though, I should visit Taemin.. Even if he is a pain. It wouldn't hurt, y'know." Jeonghan squeezed his hips gently, "Next time you visit, think you can bring me a book to entertain myself?" Jisoo looked up at and nodded slowly, as he tried to think of books he could bring. A kiss was placed on his forehead, trailing down to his temple and cheek, "I'm not that picky so surprise me, okay?" a gentle kiss on his lips, kissing him softly - cherishing the intimate moment as he swiped his tongue lightly along his bottom lip, deepening the kiss, his grip tightening - afraid to let go.

"I'm going into surgery in a couple of weeks." Jeonghan spoke slowly once the kiss was broken, "I'm taking CT scans tomorrow to finalize it." 

"Really?"

"Yeah. I just.. Wanted you to know that."

Silence.

"I'll be here with you."

"I know you will be." 

\---

It was after finals. That meant two weeks filled with absolutely  _nothing._ Nothing at all. At this point, it was just free time for seniors since all their credits were done and over with so Jisoo just sat there idly in every class. Some of the group would be in his class, initiating a conversation he would gladly join in with, knowing that staying quiet wouldn't benefit him. Besides, why would he drive his friends away now? It was all planned out - they were all visiting Jeonghan today. Twelve people fitting in a small hospital room? It was going to be an absolute hassle.

Seungcheol drove them both home, the elder claiming he had to get something. But so did Jisoo. As soon as he stepped into the apartment, he walked to his room. The once nice, kept room was filled with papers scattering all over the floor and so were some clothes. On his desk was the book Jeonghan wanted, but it was actually Wonwoo's. Jisoo's books didn't seem that appealing so he asked the younger male for help. Toying with the cover of the book, he heard something roll off his desk and rattle onto the floor.

Looking down, he spotted the familiar white bottle of pills he used to take. Pursing his lips, he leaned down and grabbed it, popping the cap open. Usually, at this point in time, he'd be left with only three or four left. But more than half was left and realization dawned upon him that he stopped taking it once he spoke to Jeonghan more frequently. He stared at it silently, as he capped it and brushed his thumb against the label.  _I thought if I took this I would be happy, but it ony gave me grief._ A silent goodbye was given and when he heard his door open, he froze entirely. Jisoo looked at Seungcheol, watching as the elder's gaze lingered on the bottle and then back up to him. Trying not to make it obvious, he murmured, "Ready to go?"

Was he ready to see Jeonghan again? His grip tightened on the bottle before he responded, "I.. Suddenly feel sick. Do you think you can drop this book off for me?"

"Of course."

Hastily, Jisoo grabbed a sticky note, sticking it onto the book as he wrote ;  _Sorry I couldn't come today. Wasn't feeling all that great. This is actually Wonwoo's book, just saying. I'll visit you soon. I... ~~Love~~_  Quickly, he crossed it out until it was beyond recognition.  _I miss you. Make sure you take care of the kids and Cheollie._

Handing the book to Seungcheol, he had a small smile on his lips as he waved goodbye, the bottle of pills now slipped into his back pocket. 

Jisoo went through his own inner conflict as he stood in front of the plain, wooden door that was recently polished. The smell again invaded his senses causing him to cringe away. Grabbing onto the silver handle, he pushed the door open and greeted the familiar face with a smile. Brown toussled hair, thick black frames beginning to fall off his face, and a soft stubble. His wife probably scolded him before leaving for work today.

"I'm sorry, I'm really busy rig-" he paused, "Jisoo," Dr. Lee breathed out, surprise evident in his eyes as his mouth was agape.

"Hello." he bowed slightly and sat down in one of the vacant chairs.

"Didn't think I'd see you around. You did stop coming after all." he laughed gently, "Anything new?"

"It's been quite a ride," a shaky sigh as he found comfort in the "J" carved next to the marking he left from his anger. "Your office is much cleaner. And you did lots of new things to it." he spoke in awe, silently praising him. 

"I'm gonna think of that as a compliment. Besides, I don't think you're here to talk about my office, huh?"

"Not at all." he fished into his pocket and placed the bottle on his desk, "I don't need this anymore."

Dr. Lee picked the bottle up, checking how much was left and then looked at his papers to see when it was prescribed. ".. Oh? What suddenly made you think that?"

"I noticed I haven't been taking it for quite some time now."

"Is there a reason why?"

"Yes." his voice grew meek, "I met someone who brought color into my life."

A small smile started to appear on his therapist's place, even if he did try hiding it, it was evident, "Really?"

A quick nod, "He showed me all the bright places."

"I'm glad someone was able to make an impact on your life." he paused and then put the bottle of pills in his drawer, "Waiting it out a little longer really was beneficial, huh?" with a click of his tongue, he opted, "After your.. Last visit, what happened after?"

Jisoo looked up at the ceiling, his gaze lingering on the subtle stains, "After that.. Well, I had a school project with the person. I actually met them.. On that roof top. Now that I think about it, who was I trying to fool thinking I could be the butterfly that flies if I fell? I can only be a butterfly if I spread my wings, right?" he hummed and then tapped his chin, "But I also realized, that fall down from the roof top wouldn't be scary at all."

"Oh? How come?"

"Because falling for someone is the scariest fall in life. You never know if they are going to catch you or you have to catch yourself. That's pretty scary."

"You do have a point." 

"Ah, well, it was just filled with projects together and then my family.." he scratched the back of his neck, "Fought and... I- had a hospital trip at one point." he didn't dare elaborate on it, "But, I don't live with my parents anymore. Two of my.. Friends helped me and I now live with one of them."

"I see, I see.. I was wondering if you would bring that up. Your mother did indeed swing by a week or two ago, talking about you. About your guys' family. She was seeking help, actually. But there was something entirely off about her. I couldn't quite catch it that well. I'm going to believe it was substance abuse. She was much more jittery and avoided any topic that related or referred towards that. After that, I tried calling but I haven't gotten an answer. Considering it was an unsafe environment, I recommend not going after her. I'll give you updates instead."

Jisoo felt his throat tighten as he listened more about his mother. His father on the other hand was entirely MIA. He wouldn't blame him at all though. It was evident he was just as unhappy there as he was. As they all were. He nodded slowly, deciding to follow his instructions. His gaze settled back onto the "J" carved into the desk, his index finger running along the groove of it gently before pulling away, "I think that's all there was to it. I thought an update would be nice. But once I walk out the door, that concludes our final session, doesn't it?"

"Indeed it does."

It felt bittersweet, Jisoo actually felt like he was gonna miss this place. Though, he barely attended it as it was, Dr. Lee was always a soft spot for him and that was that. The figure he needed in his life. That sounded about right. Mustering up his strength, he got up from the chair and bowed, "Then that's that." he waved goodbye and began to walk to the door.

"Don't be a stranger. I don't mind if you drop by or anything."

"Of course I'll drop by."

"... I noticed that you have taken interest in the 'J' carved into the table. Yeah, that client - about your age. I've had him come in ever since he was about nine years old. His father just dropped him off here to talk - to socialize. He's actually your age. Stopped visiting around the time you did too." Dr. Lee furrowed his eyebrows as he shuffled through the papers, "Now that I think about it.." he pulled one of them out, dated far back, "He was the one with you during that incident. Jeonghan, right?"

Jisoo blinked. His mouth grew dry for a moment as he hesitantly nodded his head, choking out, "Yeah, I know him."

Dr. Lee stared at him before a smile grew on his face again, "I'm sure the 'J' served you some comfort during your stay here. And again, don't be a stranger. I must attend to other paper work now. I will see you around."

"Of course." leaving the room, he shut the door behind him as he pursed his lips for a moment.

_So, you've always been there, huh?_

\---

On his free time, Jisoo hung out with Hansol, Seungkwan, and Jun like the good times they always had. It was nice - nostalgic and it was much more enjoyable. Jisoo grew out of his shell, he was able to speak to them properly, he even felt proud of himself. Sometimes, he'd be invited out by the other members, individual or not but he accepted it anyway. He had nothing to do after all. Seungcheol was permanently glued to Jeonghan's side during the day but then glued to Jisoo's at night since Jeonghan always sent him home. Jisoo visited Jeonghan, just not as frequently as the elder does. But, whenever Jisoo didn't visit, Seungcheol gave him sticky notes that came from Jeonghan.

Jisoo was never updated, but Seungcheol was.

All Jisoo knew was his surgery had taken place two days ago. 

He heard Seungcheol talk about how Jeonghan was on the phone with his mother. The treatment was constantly fluctuating. Jeonghan's body was rejecting it at some points but also accepting it for the other half. They said it was going in a positive direction but seemingly, his outer appearance just wasn't matching the results. He looked more sickly rather than healthy. There's only times where Jisoo had brief visits where Jeonghan's skin had it's original glow but most of the time, it was then gone. Back to that sickly appearance. The younger had only slept over twice at the hospital - Jeonghan's wish he couldn't deny. 

But if he wasn't with his friends or boyfriend, he was at Jeonghan's house, under his wish as well, providing his family support and entertaining Jiwoo who would still watch  _Beauty and The Beast_ on the TV. Whereas, Jisoo didn't at all, even if he somehow ended up with one of her teddy bears in his embrace, knees pulled up to his chest. 

During the time here he saw Jeonghan's real father, wife, and their kid. It was different. His father held a new glow to him - more prideful. Thinking he was much more superior. They were here to pick up Jiwoo and Jisoo had to say goodbye to her, and yet, she clung onto his leg.

"Are you the babysitter or something?" his father blurted, eyeing him suspiciously. 

"No!" Jiwoo squeaked, "It's Jeonghan's boyfriend!" she exclaimed, sending him a glare before huffing, "I don't wanna go without him or Jeonghan! I wanna stay here now!"

"Where is he?" The younger boy, Taemin, asked.

"He's gone! Gone, nowhere you can find him!" 

Jisoo patted her head gently, before threading his nimble fingers through her strands, "You have to go. You promised your mom before she went to work."

"But.."

He crouched down to her level, placing a kiss on her forehead. "I'll see you when I come back, right?"

"Yeah.. I guess.." she let his leg go and grabbed her bright pink backpack, slipping it on as she held on to Taemin's hand, who begrudingly grumbled as they left, leaving Jisoo alone.

\---

_I hope you're having a nice day, I'm lonely. Visit me soon._

_I miss you._

_You're cute._

_Seungcheol showed me a picture of you today and you look adorable, I just wanted to cuddle you._

_I love you so much._

Various sticky notes were returned to him whenever Seungcheol came back. They were all stuck onto his wall, the colors ranging from blue, neon pink, yellow, and purple. Each one different from the other. It made Jisoo guilty for not visiting often enough. But he indeed sent him text messages and sticky notes back. 

The day before graduation, Jisoo visited Jeonghan with Jiwoo. It was the first time she was able to visit. Their mother would go without her, same with their step father so Jiwoo was obviously excited. But no one knew how to break it to her. Though, she practically begged Jisoo for this moment so when they both walked in - like all the time, he was met with Jeonghan putting photos in the photo album and writing things. But at the sound of the door, he looked up and closed it, a gasp fell from his lips as Jiwoo immediately hopped onto the bed and gave him the biggest hug.

Jeonghan winced at the sudden movement, his head still hurting but hugged her back, smothering her in kisses.

Jisoo sat on the chair and leaned over, running his fingers through Jeonghan's blond hair, his black roots beginning to show. His hand slid down and twined their fingers together, already seeking comfort from the elder. With his cold hands, his gaze examined Jeonghan once more. Sickly pale and dull eyes. More wires were attached to him. He looked tired. He knew he was tired. "How are you feeling?"

"Better." his free hand unwrapped from Jiwoo, scratching at the back of his neck.

A lie.

"That's good then, right?"

"Of course." Jeonghan leaned over and pecked his lips, "You're graduating soon, are you excited?"

"Kind of nervous but I'm ready to leave." Jisoo shyly laughed and nodded, "You already got your diploma and everything, right?"

"Before I left and everything." he opted, nodding happily, "Ah, we're both graduates." he poked Jiwoo's stomach, "You have a long way to go before you graduate."

"Well, duh, I'm not old like you guys!"

Jeonghan gasped, offended. "Take that back!"

"No way!"

The Yoon siblings continued to bicker back and forth, Jisoo sitting back and watching in amusement. He learned the hard way to not interrupt their fights. But it was just as entertaining so who was he to stop them after all. 

\---

Jisoo felt the excitement and the adrenaline rush as he graduated. How happy he felt when he recieved his diploma on stage and walked off. It was simple. It was great. He was free. That night, he heard a soft tap on his window. All he could think of was those cliche, tacky horror movies that if he answers it, he would die. But knowing him, he went against it and opened his window, greeted face to face with the blond hair man. The cold air sent shivers up his spine. "What are you doing here?" he whisper-yelled, ushering the male off the fire exit. Jeonghan's face was tinted with a soft pink from the cold as he immediately embraced the younger, bathing in the warmth he emitted. Jisoo leaned over, closing the window. "Answer!"

"I wanted to see you. I missed you and I missed you guys walk on that stage and graduated so I thought it was best for me to visit now."

"You're still in treatment, Hannie."

"One day wouldn't hurt." 

"Your he-"

"Congratulations for graduating to you too, babe." Jeonghan teased lightly, placing a kiss on the side of his head, silencing him entirely. 

Jisoo felt his cheeks heat up as he rolled his eyes just slightly, clutching at the back of his shirt tightly, "Yeah, you too." he retorted - dumbly, burying his face into his neck. 

A surprised gasp was heard once his back hit the soft mattress, Jeonghan now hovering above him. "Awh, Shua, your face is red again," he cooed, running his finger along his cheek for a moment before raising it and ruffling his hair fondly.

The younger lifted his hand up and grabbed his hand, twining them together, mumbling, "You always manage to point it out."

Jeonghan rolled off, settling besides him, propping his elbow up on the mattress and rested his head on his hand. "You know me." the elder responded, "Living off of teasing you and doting after you. The usual."

Jisoo's gaze settled on their hands, twining and untwining them constantly, "I'm starting to get used to it and I don't think that's a good thing,"

"You're right. It's not a good thing. It's a  _great_ thing."

A slap on his chest. 

A pitiful pout on Jeonghan's lips.

A victorious smile on Jisoo's lips.

"You know, I must be head over heels for you something to start thinking about having late night talks with you and being able to wake up every morning to your cute face - in our shared apartment, where we're alone."

The thought of that warmed Jisoo's heart as he nodded, a fond smile beginning to grow, "Wouldn't I be the one waking up first to your sleeping face?" his free hand leaned up, poking the tip of his nose lightly with his index finger. "Since all you do is sleep after all." that earned a huff from the elder but he didn't deny it causing the latter to laugh lightly, "Then I would make us breakfast, clean up around the apartment while waiting for you to wake up. And when you do, I'll give you a morning kiss but also a goodbye kiss when you leave for work."

"Is this a promise?"

"Of course it's a promise." Jisoo responded immediately, linking their pinkies together, "And it won't be broken."

\---

The distance began to grow as Summer arrived. Usually, everyone would be free - in which they were and visited Jeonghan, but not Jisoo. Every time he overheard Seungcheol's updates to his mother, Jisoo feared it the most. Terrified that if he goes there, something horrible would occur.  _How much did he change? Is he okay? Is he doing well?_ At this point, Jisoo could only pray for a good outcome. His gaze was fixated on the sticky notes that basically covered the area designated around his desk. The multiple colors always catching his attention and eventually his interest drifted to the black ink on it that represented Jeonghan's neat handwriting.  _Isaiah 43:5 - Do not be afraid I am with you._

When Jisoo decided to visit, it was when the group wasn't all there. It would be all too overwhelming for Jeonghan and possibly the nurses. The one time he visited with everyone, Seungkwan, Soonyoung, and Seokmin were sitting on the ground, Chan on the foot of the bed, Seungcheol on the chair, Hansol and Jun on the other two chairs propped against the wall, Minghao deciding to sprawl across their laps as if it was nothing, Wonwoo leaning against the wall, Mingyu doting after him since Wonwoo hasn't made a chance to confess or anything of relation. Jihoon was also on the foot of the bed, but he had a notebook on his lap to preoccupy himself. Jisoo on the other hand was right beside Jeonghan, considering the space, he was in between Jeonghan and Seungcheol. And it was quite the rowdy day. 

There were times where his personal nurse would let Jeonghan leave for an hour or two - rather than him sneaking out which he tended to do often and arrived at Jisoo and Seungcheol's place towards nightfall. That time spent was with different members but usually, it was Jisoo and Seungcheol that hung out with him where they would talk and reminsce. Usually between the two so the younger would just have to listen. 

However, Jisoo stayed with Jeonghan this time around. Much more frequently than before.

"I love you."

The elder spoke out of the blue at one point, flipping through the book pages absentmindedly. Jisoo, who was on his phone, was taken back from his words and then mumbled quickly, almost embarrassed, "I love you too." looking at Jeonghan, he noticed the small smile that appeared on his lips at the moment as he continued to flip through the pages.

"And I love the others. When you head back, tell Jiwoo that I love her too, alright? Same with my mom or dad if you catch them."

".. Alright."

"Just a small constant reminder from time to time," the sound of the book shutting was heard, Jisoo's gaze lingering on the plain, hard cover as he nodded slowly. "Yeah, of course." Jisoo cleared his throat, nodding more confidently, "Just a reminder.."

Jeonghan rested his hand on top of Jisoo's, fingers curling around his as he squeezed them lightly, "What's with that distraught look?" his other free hand reached up, his thumb swiping along his cheekbone. His index finger moved down, poking at the corner of his mouth, pushing it up, "That's better."

A half smile played on his lips, but Jisoo's eyes were casted down as he mumbled, "It just kind of... Sounds like.."

"I'm saying goodbye?" he opted, as if he read his mind but slowly retracted his hand, the younger already missing the warmth emitted from it. "Well, when this flatlines-"

" _If._ "

" _When_ this flatlines, what if I never was able to say my goodbyes?"

"It won't." Jisoo responded firmly, shaking his head as he felt tears brim on his waterline but he wouldn't let them fall. "Goodbyes aren't.. Allowed." he mumbled pathetically, shaking his head numbly.

"Do you want me to say 'see you later' instead?" he tried to make light of the situation as Jeonghan raised his hand again and placed it on top of his head, gently running his fingers through his hair as a small smile appeared on his lips once more, staying quiet as Jisoo's shoulders shook just slightly, hands clutching the white, hospital bed sheets. As he weeped silently. The burning feeling at the back of his throat that made his breath hitch every few seconds, how his eyes screwed shut, and his body continued to shake. 

His cheeks were cupped, tilted up to meet Jeonghan's gaze. Their foreheads pressed together, as Jeonghan wiped his tears away with his thumb, "I love you." he repeated once more, voice quiet, gentle as if he didn't want to ruin the tender atmosphere around them.

Jisoo looked at him - his once hazel eyes that were filled with so much brightness with a hint of mischief was now dull, hollow, and lifeless. His skin paling at an alarming rate, as if he was already fading from his existence, the bags that appeared under his eyes remained prominent, giving him a sullen look. His composure was filled with absolute fatigue - tired of fighting, tired of trying. The white walls that have been surrounding him for months, no light able to grace his angelic features. There was nothing left of Jeonghan, he was already a husk of his former being. And this was his last goodbye. 

Choking on a sob, through his teary vision, he replied once more - hesitant, scared, "I love you too."

\---

It wasn't until a sudden summer heat wave appeared and Jisoo sat on the couch, his favorite show playing on the TV - but it saved more as background noise as he held a mini fan to his face, as the old AC was working in the back, mindlessly blowing hot air around. The doorbell rang, causing Jisoo to jolt in surprise, fumbling with the fan as he almost dropped it on the ground. Setting it back down on the couch, he walked to the door and opened the door, before being pressed up against the wall almost immediately. A choked gasp managed to elicit from his mouth, staring up at Jeonghan's father, who looked absolutely furious. "You," he began, pointing an index finger at him, shaking with absolute anger, "You're the reason he got sick again, aren't you?" blame after blame, Jisoo's head grew dizzy as his father continued to belt out accusations, one after another about Jeonghan. "Getting a call from the hospital about my son, I didn't know shit about this but this bitch did," he scoffed, "Next thing you know, he's gone. He's already gone. I'm not on his damn emergency contacts, but Seungcheol is. Where the fuck is he?" 

Jisoo, despite his head spinning, he mumbled, "J-Jeonghan's gone?"

"Yes, my son is gone. Good as dead at this rate. And because of y-"

"Stop." Seungcheol got between them, pushing his father back, watching him stumble and before he could fall, the stair railing saved him. Jisoo clutched the back of the elder's shirt, hands trembling as he felt his legs lock, threatening to buckle over and fall on his knees."If you need to speak to me, you should have talked to me instead of blaming it on Jisoo. Now, if you're willing to talk about this and tell me everything you may come in. But first calm down." he spoke calmly. 

"How could I possibly calm down knowing my son was on his death bed for fucking months and no one had the nerve to tell me? And him,  _him,_ I saw him there every time I went to pick Jiwoo up but he had the audacity to keep it to himself - this damn family, and you as well."

"You weren't there for him the first time, well barely. Don't act like the victim here if you didn't help him the first time."

As the two argued, Jisoo's hands grabbed the wall for support before he slipped away, stumbling as Seungcheol eyed him and went to call out for him before Jisoo disappeared around the corner.

Through the fire exit, Jisoo left the apartment, hurrying down the stairs and grabbed his phone from his pocket to call Hansol. Despite him not picking up, he continued calling as he walked hurriedly to the hospital - despite it being a great distance. After the nth phone call, Hansol answered. "Hey Josh, what's up? Sorry, I was with Seungkwan and Jun. Do you need anything?"

"Hospital," he mumbled, "Please take me there."

He didn't have to question it. A simple 'okay' sufficed as Jisoo walked to the cafe now.

By the time Vernon picked him up, Seungkwan preoccupied the front seat, Jun took the left seat, Minghao in the middle, and Jisoo occupying the right seat. He didn't question when and how Minghao was there but the car was tense, quiet on the way there. Once they arrived, Jisoo bolted out before he could even park, rushing through the busy parking lot and through the front door, ignoring their yells. He hurried towards the front desk, heart beating rapidly, as he panted, gripping the counter as the man stared at him bewildered. "Do you have an appo-"

"Yoon Jeonghan." he breathed out, watching as the nurse hummed, looking back down at his computer.

"I'm sorry, sir, but unless you're a family member, I cannot give you any form of answers until his mother comes." 

He was desperate, incredibly desperate. His gaze scanned the area before seeing a familiar face. Quickly, he jogged over, "Excuse me." urgency laced his tone as Jeonghan's personal nurse turned around, clutching her clipboard and a book to her chest, looking at him surprised, then noticed the familiar face and relaxed.

"How can I help you?"

"Jeonghan," he began, "Is he- Where is he?"

She clicked her tongue, shifting her weight from side to side awkwardly before grabbing the book from behind her clipboard and handed it to him before walking away before he could ask anything else. With shaky hands, he looked down at the book, and it all clicked. It had been the album he was working on every time he visited. Flipping through the pages, it was pictures filled with them both, as well as everyone else. Some of them he didn't quite remember. Each polaroid was inserted neatly, the infamous hearts he drew would litter every page. A sticky note fell from the back of the book, causing him to lean down and pick it up.

_~~Goodbye.~~ _

_I'll see you later._

**FIN.**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WOW SO I AM CAPABLE OF LONG CHAPTERS! This chapter was a mess because I am a mess but holy moly, writing it tugged at my heart strings because I love them both so much and I loved creating this fanfic. This update is long overdue and I was planning on releasing this when the epilogue would be created but then I realized that it would take even longer and high school has been a hassle. So my goal is for the epilogue to be out before I start college too - I am legitimately praying I can do it. Then, another JiHan single parent & kindergarten teacher AU will be released! Gosh, I am emotional - thank you for sticking around and the epilogue will be out next. (:


	20. XX - EPILOGUE

A year had passed, nearing two, to say Jisoo was coping well was quite the overstatement. He began to mope - sulk, until Seungcheol brought him back to the cursed reality he was living in. From then on, Jisoo tried to his best to fix himself, to  _heal_ himself. But at the same time, he found that impossible to do. He thought that if he were to heal himself, that part of Jeonghan, the one that was always with him through thick and thin would be gone. He couldn't possibly let that wound go. So, he thought. And thought. And thought. Jisoo created it into a scar instead. It was there, the wound was gone, but it served as a reminder.

Even til' now Jeonghan's mother never revealed anything but she was equally torn. Fragile like glass. Jisoo and Seungcheol both knew that was the last thing Jeonghan wanted his mother to be. Jiwoo continued to be bright spirited, but at nights, when Jisoo was over, she couldn't help but cry until she was able to fall asleep. And Jisoo had to remain strong. 

_To Hong Jisoo,_

Indeed, the group decided to save up and go to LA for the heck of it. Before Jeonghan left, he told everyone about the plan, of course everyone was wary of it. English? No thanks. But besides that, they thought of Jeonghan's health. How unstable it was. Was it safe? Was he.. Going to make it? They couldn't help but beat around the bush, offering plans on how to save money up, who was actually going to keep the money in a safe place, and rides. Hansol and Jisoo contributed heavily since they already knew of how American currency worked as well as the environment. As the conversation continued, everyone eased into it, relaxed, forgetting their first problem with this. Before they knew it, excitement did begin to bubble up. They took up jobs almost immediately after that. The group was indeed bustling about and trying to help one another - even safely try to be references, with the lack of job experience they already had.

_Hey. Ugh, wait that was totally a dumb way to start this. Do I rip out the paper again? But I've tried to redo this so many times.. Do you see the bind, how much paper was ripped right out? Wait, don't look, it's so embarrassing. Okay, avert your eyes away from that, Shua! Anyway, I'll start again. Uh.. A few spaces down while I mindlessley cross this out._

They rented out a total of three hotel rooms that had at least two to three beds and everyone upheld the buddy system. Unless there was someone who wanted to sleep alone, which was no one since they all sought comfort in sleeping with one another - no shame there. Jisoo, who was in a room with Seungcheol, Hansol, Seungkwan, Jun, and Minghao, Seungcheol opted for Jisoo to have his own bed, but he quickly denied it and patted the spot next to him. Of course, the elder did not budge at all. It was a shared room with him - and yet sometimes Seungcheol would sleep on the couch provided or in a room with Mingyu and Wonwoo - who indeed started courting after graduation, Mingyu was absolutely estatic. Lately, Seungcheol served as his bodyguard instead of best friend. 

_Alright, I don't know how to start this so.. I love you. Like a lot. I'm certain you already know that too, and if you don't, you're kind of dumb. I literally love you with all my heart and  I just somehow can't put it into words. Anyway, enough with the gushy, mushy stuff. You're getting this.. When I'm gone, right? I hope you liked the album, it was so hard trying to keep it a secret from you! Of course, I had to get the other boys to take pictures while I was sick ~~and dying~~  at the hospital. But they are cute, right? The cutest boys. _

To Jisoo's surprise, they were staying here for three weeks. If Jisoo had known, he could have asked his grandparents about using their extra house. But it felt nice working their way up and raising a ton of money and getting here themselves. If the hotel bill did end up not serving them justice, they could go there. But considering how large of a group was, there was about three rooms, and the rest would occupy the living room  _and_ floor. Which could be comfortable.. Maybe. 

"Have you forgotten about him?"

Jisoo looked at Seungcheol, them both alone in the room, Seungcheol occupying Jun and Minghao's bed, staring up at the ceiling. "How could I ever?"

Hansol decided to serve as Seungkwan, Jun, and Minghao's guide, along with everyone else possibly, leaving these two alone. Why weren't they weren't invited out? Well, they weren't quite sure at all. It's not like Jisoo minded, as long as they were having fun, he was certain that was all that mattered. It was a group trip but there was always something that bothered Jisoo in the back of his mind.

"You don't mind loving a corpse?" It was bitter, blunt. It was something Jisoo wouldn't imagine Seungcheol saying at all. 

His breath hitched - quiet, yet broken. It felt like all words were lodged into his throat. His gaze was fixated on the elder, hoping he didn't mean those words but Seungcheol kept a stoic, blank expression. "H-How could you say that?" he stammered out, eyes slightly wide.

"It's true, isn't it?" his voice grew quiet, meek almost.  _Almost._

Jisoo stayed quiet, returning his gaze back to the ceiling. Moments later, the bed shifted and Seungcheol hovered above him, trapping him. His fingers curling around his wrist, pinning him against the bed. "W-What are you doing?" he watched as the elder leaned down, leaning in closer and  _closer_ , their lips barely touching, hovering above one another until the latter squeaked, turning his head to the side, eyes screwed shut. A scoff - a bitter chuckle was heard as Seungcheol got off of him, sitting on the foot of his bed. Rubbing at the nape of his neck, he looked irritated. Jisoo looked him now, almost hesitant.

"So, you do." Seungcheol said aloud before muttering to himself, "I got your answer, you prick." with that, he pushed himself off the bed and out the door, leaving Jisoo confused. 

_Off topic. But how are you? Are you doing okay? Are you well? If so, that's good. I miss you. So much. ... Wasn't supposed to say that but.. I'm gone because of an important reason. I... I'm honestly a coward, aren't I? For not saying anything, for not telling you. Considering that my health was fluctuating and it would eventually go to shit, I was at a loss. I wanted to be with you. For one more day. For, forever. Really. And I was serious about that. The doctors, the nurses, they tried everything. But it was futile. Eventually, a kind doctor was searching, helping. He was so determined to not let me go. It was then there was a hospital that had very high chances in saving someone like me. They were relieved. But, it was.. In America. As much as I didn't want to go, I wanted to live. I wanted to be with you. I wanted that promised future we had, and maybe have a kid or two. So, I went. Without telling anyone but my mom, and perhaps Seungcheol months later. I told them to all keep it classified until I returned. You've probably been lonely, huh? I'm sorry._

The next day, Jisoo got a text from Seungcheol to meet him at the cafe he took them all to when they just arrived at LA. As an apology. Jisoo had no hard feelings on him, he didn't mean anything, he knew. But it was just so sudden, he couldn't process it and became overwhelmed. So, of course, he went without questioning it. Now, he sat there, staring out the window as the coffee in front of him was steaming with delight and eventually cooling down. Eventually, he began to play with his phone and moved onto spamming Seungcheol about where he was. And by the time he answered, he got a simple ' _Go get him.'_

_I figured as much that this is a letter that didn't make it into the album on time since I'm being hurried away. So, who knows if you know why I'm really gone. But that's okay, at least I got it off my chest. If this letter does make it, I'm fine with that. Anyway, wait for me, Shua._

_I'll see you soon._

_Oh, and I love you._

_From, your one and only angel, Jeonghan._

The sound of a polaroid camera shuttering and the sudden flash from it startled Jisoo from his confusion. With his eyebrows furrowed, he looked up and a loud gasp left his mouth. There before him stood Jeonghan, looking absolutely healthy, his complexion returning, his hair now a beautiful beige, quirky round framed glasses perched atop of his nose. The same dopey smile he fell in love with etched onto his feature, gracing him entirely. He could feel tears form in his eyes as he covered his mouth. "Do you mind if I sit here with you?" Jeonghan asked, gesturing to the empty seat in front of him, the polaroid in his free hand. 

"G-Go ahead," Jisoo choked on his words, tears now beginning to fall as a bright grin appeared on his face, "It was always there for you after all."

**OFFICIAL ENDING.**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: AND BUTTERFLY IS OVER! Unf, my heart. I'm gonna be honest, this is legitimately the first time I've ever finished a long chaptered fanfic. And I'm happy it was with this one omg. At one point during this whole process, I didn't think I'd ever finish this fanfic but here it is, completed! I hope it was a good epilogue and oop, he was alive and well. Nothing else bad has to happen in Jisoo's life, pls. I was so conflicted about how I should end it! If Jeonghan dies or not, that's why the ending and epilogue serves as both - his death or if he continues being alive. It's the reader's choice on if they want to keep it at the finale of chapter 19 or chapter 20 epilogue! I'm sad to see it ending hhh.. But I told myself to keep writing and I plan to do that - hopefully. If school doesn't decide to be a butthole. Thank you all so much for reading and sticking with me - especially during the times I wouldn't update for so long! Really, it makes me happy. If you wanna stick around with more JiHan fics I'm going to be writing, I'm going to post the single parent & kindergarten teacher AU on AO3 and AFF, if you want the link on AFF, I will post it - but it's in the midst of making so reminder the first chapter will not be up quite yet.
> 
> And that's that.
> 
> Butterfly is officially over. (:


	21. IMPORTANT NOTE

**IMPORTANT  
** _looks at the title_

Ahahaa, yes, I revamped Butterfly because I missed them and realize that my writing style for chapters 1-11 were way too messy so I decided to revamp the  _whole_ story. Not just my writing style, but now in the beginning parts, there's more feelings/story to Jeonghan, well, a bit that could express and lead into what happened in the second half of the story. There's even a lot more added scenes and scenes that got changed. There's more to their relationship and how it grew! And of course, I decided to stick to their Korean names too so yes yes, it's finished.

_Butterfly is officially finished._

Hey, who knows? Maybe I'll add special scenes, but right now, it is over. Guys, it's been a ride and I really wanted to do this before their comeback and honestly, Falling For U is on the tracklist, I'm so happy! 

Just a small treat before I resume school and continue my other stories.

Thank you, guys.

Even though I said this in chapter 11, if not, I will say it again;

**DAILY REMINDER THAT YOU ARE A WONDERFUL PERSON AND THAT YOU ARE STRONG. YOU ARE LOVED. I AM _SO_ PROUD OF YOU. **

**Author's Note:**

> transfer from AFF
> 
> AFF username: _areumdawo  
> https://www.asianfanfics.com/profile/view/1486952


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